Page 3 of When He Saved Me
Others were fully immersed in their daily existence while I was on the outside, watching life move on around me. I woke, I worked, I ate, I slept. I survived. I didn’t seek joy, nor did it find me. I had Carmen. When I really needed it, I had the occasional fuck with a random stranger. This was my life. It just…was.
I didn’t have time for additional friendships and all the drama they entailed. People were demanding. They had expectations. And they always, always disappointed you.
No, thank you. I had Carmen, and that was enough. She pushed and pulled me, and while our friendship did make demands of me, she also accepted me. She didn’t understand me, but she didn’t try to change me. What more did I need?
Movement from the bedroom caught my attention, so I closed my notebook, laid the pen on top, and picked up my cold coffee to take it into the kitchen to warm it up.
Carmen entered wearing a pair of my sweats and a T-shirt. She’d pulled her long, dark hair into a messy knot on top of her head and had mascara smeared under both eyes. There were shadows there that I hated to see, as I knew they came from her experience last night. We hadn’t gone to bed until four a.m., and while a quick check of the clock on the microwave told me it was a little after noon, I knew her sleep had been restless. She’d woken me several times as she’d squirmed and thrashed in her sleep, tossing and turning in the midst of whatever dream had a hold of her. Each time, I’d run my hands down her back, stroked her shoulders and hair, and held her until she’d settled. She probably wouldn’t even remember those moments, but they would be burned into my mind for a long time to come.
She moved toward the coffee, grabbing a mug from the cabinet above, her eyes not quite meeting mine. I came up behind her, wrapping my arms around her, hoping to offer some comfort and reassurance.
She stiffened momentarily but then relaxed into my hold, leaning her head back against my chest. We stood like that, our breaths synchronized, as we sought comfort from each other. At length, she sighed and pulled away from me, reaching forward to pour her cup.
“I’m okay,” she said, staring into her cup without taking a drink.
“Are you?” I asked.
“I am.” She turned toward me, looking me in the eye for the first time. Something seemed to shift behind her eyes, a spark of the fire and determination I was used to. “I’m okay, Finn.”
A burning anger followed on the tails of my relief at seeing her spirit begin to return, a frustration that she’d once again allowed herself to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t treat her the way she deserved.
“You’re going to break up with her, right?”
“Finn, don’t start.”
“Why, CiCi? What possible reason could you have for staying with that bitch?”
Fire flashed behind her eyes. “I didn’t say I was staying with her,” she fired back.
“You didn’t say you weren’t either.” I ran my hand roughly through my already messy hair and stepped away from her, putting some space between us. “Jesus, CiCi. Shecheatedon you. Right under your nose. When are you going to stand up for yourself? This probably isn’t even the first time. I just don’t—”
“Enough!” Carmen shouted, slamming her coffee cup on the counter, the contents sloshing over the side. “This ismylife. She did this tome,andIwill be the one to decide what happens. Not you.” I stumbled back in shock as she pushed past me into the living room.
“I just don’t want to see you hurt again,” I said, following her into the tiny room. We stood facing each other, arms crossed like we were in a showdown. “It kills me every time one of your girlfriends treats you like shit. And yet, you always go back. If not to the same girl, then another one just like her. And who’s left picking up the pieces?”
“Fuck you, Finn! I didn’t ask for any of this to happen. And I sure as shit don’t need you pointing out all the ways I suck at choosing a girlfriend. Certainly not from someone like you. At least I put myself out there.”
I threw my hands up in disgust. “What’s that supposed to mean? ‘Someone like me?’”
“Nothing. Just drop it.” She walked a couple of steps over to the couch and threw herself onto it, refusing to look at me.
“No. I’m not dropping anything. If you had the balls to say it, you can fucking explain it.”
She sighed, some of the anger deflating out of her, and raised her eyes to mine. “You’re not exactly a relationship guy, Finn. It’s not really fair of you to criticize my relationships when you won’t even try to be in one.”
“I don’t need or want a relationship. Not everyone’s built for that shit.”
“I know that. And while I don’t agree that you’re not built for it, I understand why you feel that way. But that doesn’t mean you’re exactly qualified to give me dating advice either.” She pulled her legs onto the couch, tucking her feet underneath her. “I just need you to be my friend.”
I let out a frustrated sigh and plopped down on the couch next to her. “Are friends supposed to just sit by and watch the people they care about get hurt over and over again?”
“Sometimes, yeah.” She pulled her legs out from under her and scooted herself next to me so she could throw them across my lap and lean her head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her closer and tucking her head under my chin. “You know what else friends do?”
“What?”
“They go with their bestie to pick up her stuff from her ex’s apartment.”
I sighed again. It was equal parts relief she was breaking up with Amy and annoyance that I had to deal with this shit. I wouldn’t have done it for anyone other than Carmen. “Yeah, okay. When do you want to go?”
