Page 26 of When He Saved Me
I took the phone, opened my messages, and typed a response.
I’m fine
I should probably have said more, should have apologized, but I didn’t even know how to begin. I wasn’t used to anyone caring about my words or actions, and I certainly hadn’t worried about how I made someone else feel in a very long time. I watched as those three little dots appeared and disappeared several times, but when it finally seemed like no message would come through, I laid my phone face down on the nightstand and climbed back into bed.
I felt Carmen wrap her arm around me but made no move to turn toward her. Still, I didn’t shrug her off either.
We lay there for a while like that, listening to each other breathe. I needed to get up and shower before work, but for all my insistence on pushing everyone away and my determination that I was fine by myself, it felt good to be held. To be wrapped in her warmth. To be cared for. Tomatter.
“I met someone,” she said, her voice quiet. There was a hesitation as if she was afraid of my reaction. I rolled over to face her, eyebrow lifted in question. “Her name is Isa. We met on the beach over Thanksgiving. She’s a ballet dancer from Denver. She’s…” The expression on her face was a mix of wonder and apprehension. “Finn, she’s everything.”
Her wide eyes were full of so much damn hope. I felt my heart lurch in my chest. Carmen’s dating history was absolute garbage. She was so quick to fall in love, and she inevitably ended up falling for a horrible excuse for a human. She loved the thrill of the fall so much that she allowed herself to be blind to the other person’s faults.
Still, this time, the look in her eye was different. She looked so damn hopeful, but I could see a little bit of fear there too, and it may have seemed odd, but I actually thought that after all she’d been through, a little fear was healthy. It meant she might be a little more cautious rather than throwing herself at someone who didn’t deserve her.
God, I hoped Isa was worthy of her. I wasn’t sure I could pick up the pieces of Carmen’s love life again.
“Wow, CiCi. That’s really great. I’m happy for you!” At least, Iwantedto be happy for her. I wasn’t sure what to think, honestly.
She narrowed her eyes but didn’t say anything.
“What’s that look for?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Aren’t you going to tell me it’s too fast and lecture me about how I just got out of a relationship and how hard long-distance relationships are?”
“Would it do me any good?” I threw back, heavy on the sarcasm. “Sounds like you’ve already covered all of that for me.”
“Dick.” She shoved my shoulder playfully. “I’ve overthought the shit out of this, about all the things I just said and all the ways it could go sideways. But my gut says this is different.”
“How? How is it different?” She shot me a look, fire in her eyes, but I cut her off before she could snap at me. “Calm down. I’m not judging. I’m genuinely curious. What about this feels different to you? Different from all the other girls who’ve promised you the moon only to turn around and treat you like shit?”
She flinched at my words but didn’t try to deny their accuracy. “I don’t know. I guess the best way I can say it is that I’ve honestly never felt like I could truly be myself with someone so quickly. Usually, when I’m starting to date someone, I feel like I have to be on my best behavior, with my makeup flawless and my hair perfect. I’m always thinking about the perfect thing for us to do, the perfect topic of conversation, the perfect response to every question. Then, about the time I start to actually get real with someone, they fuck me over somehow or other. But Isa sees past my bullshit and won’t accept anything less than real. She pushes me to be myself but somehow puts me at ease at the same time. It’s scary as fuck to have someone really see the heart of who you are, but it also feels so damn good, like it’s a relief that I can relax and be myself, and she still wants me around.”
I honestly couldn’t imagine what that was like. Aside from Carmen, I couldn’t think of a single person in my life that I’d allowed to get close enough to actually see the real me. Was I willing to let Jamie in that far? With the way I’d fucked up last night, I wasn’t sure I would get the opportunity to find out.
“Well then, I hope it works out. Seriously. I want you to be happy.”
“Thanks. Me too.” She was quiet for a moment like she was pondering what she was going to say. “I want that for you too, you know.”
“What?”
“I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone you’re willing to let your guard down for.”
“I don’t know, Carmen.” I sat up in bed, placing my feet on the floor and turning my back to her. “I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me.”
“So, what? You’re just giving up on Jamie?”
“I fucked it up. I told you I wasn’t built for this shit.” I ran my hands through my hair, scrubbing my curls a couple of times before swiping my hand down my face. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“Bullshit.”
“What?” I asked, turning back to look at her.
“I said bullshit. You keep saying you don’t know how to be in a relationship, but you’ve been friends with me for years.”
I rolled my eyes. “A friendship isn’t the same as a relationship.” I stood from the bed and turned to face her, the corner of my mouth turned up in a smirk. “Besides, I don’t know if it counts since you pretty much browbeat me into it.”
I was trying to go for light. I was tired of this conversation. Tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of dealing with all thesefeelings. Things had been so much easier before.
