Page 67 of The Art of Being Merry
I won’t feel guilty for doing something for me.
I won’t feel guilty for leaving my kids with their favorite babysitter while I do filthy things with her uncle.
I won’t feel guilty for any of it.
Convincing myself of this proves to be futile.
It’s been years since I’ve been in a situation where I can put myself first, if even for a few hours. It’s weird to have Shania at the house under false pretenses. Even though my kids love spending time with her, she’s a great babysitter and enjoys their company, too. She’s getting compensated, I’ve left a hot meal, and everyone is happy.
It feels wrong to leave my children to meet Dax for sex. Sure, we’re also going shopping, but I’ve got plenty of time during the school week to fit that in. Hell, I could bring them with me. Long as Atlas has his Switch with him, Jace will be all too happy to shop for supplies.
“Okay, I’m off. I’ll be back by eight-thirty. You’re sure that’s not too late?” I check in with Shania. They’re playing a card game, but she greets me with a smile.
“Not too late, I promise. Have fun wherever you’re going.”
For a minute, I think she knows, but there’s no way she could. When I texted her to ask if she was free, I didn’t tell her where Iwas going. The fewer people who know my whereabouts, the better.
“Thanks. I will.” I bite back the smirk trying to emerge. “Bye, boys.”
Atlas looks at me and waves, but Jace rushes over to hug me. “Bye, Mama. Have fun. Don’t be gone too long.”
Nope, can’t let the guilt of this eat at me. He’s safe and protected, and I deserve time apart from my kids. It’s not hurting anyone. I repeat these words as I hug him back and say, “I’ll be back in time to tuck you into bed.”
“Great.” With a last embrace, he scampers back to the game, not giving a backward glance, and with a clear conscience, I slip on my boots and exit the house.
It’s not that I’ve never left them before. I’ve never left them for this reason. I don’t want them ever to think I could be like Keith—sneaking around with someone else. Sure, the reasons might be drastically different, but the “sneaking” part fits.
Something I’m not letting deter me from the fun of this night, either.
Instead, I’m going to pack down any emotions I have regarding how right or wrong this is and enjoy the hell out of myself tonight.
When I put it like that, I can’t get to Dax’s house soon enough.
He’s waiting for me in the driveway when I pull up, his keys dangling from his fingers, and directs me to the side of the house. I’m taking a chance leaving my car here, but I suppose it’s not too odd we’re running an errand to the craft store.
When I’m out of my car, I halt in front of him. “I told Shania I’d be back by eight-thirty at the latest.”
“Do you have your list of supplies?”
“Yep.”
“Then let’s get going. Mind if we grab something on the way back for dinner? We’ll save time by eating it at my place rather than eating out.”
“I didn’t account for dinner,” I hedge, though I can’t explain why. Am I upset he’s suggesting we eat dinner together? Nope.
Am I disappointed he would have taken me out to dinner if we had more time? Yep.
It’s been so long since I’ve eaten out at a restaurant with a man. Even on our anniversary, we didn’t make an effort to go out. Mom and Dad would surely have kept the kids, but Keith never wanted to. One more red flag I completely ignored about my ex-husband.
Dax’s brow furrows. “Did you already eat?”
“No. I made mac and cheese for the kids, but I hadn’t considered myself.” And this is exactly why I can’t feel any ounce of guilt. I never put myself first. I deserve someone who’s going to allow me to make myself a priority. Even as friends with benefits, Dax is doing that, and I’m going to relish it.
“You were just going to skip dinner?” The idea is preposterous to him.
I shrug, laying my truths out. “Figured I’d eat when I got home after the kids were in bed.”
Dax’s head shakes before I finish speaking. “No, not happening on my watch. Start thinking about what you want now so that when I ask what you want on the way home, we don’t waste precious time deciding on what to order.”
