Page 235 of Like Grim Death: Part One
I don’t, but it kind of fucked with my head. Thinking of everything I’ve dragged Ella into. It messed me up. It still does. It’s why I was fucking mean when we fucked later, and I just left her there, on the floor. It’s why I chose to get in the pool with Sid and Lucifer, then stay there when Lucifer left. It’s probably why I was fucking so close to Sid when I should have been following Ella, and that was all before the mistake I made with Atlas.
Ihateall the danger I’ve brought to my girl.
But still… “No,” I answer her question. “Not at all.”
“Can we forget it, then? Just for right now? Can we just forget our fights and…” She takes a deep breath and I want to agree with her, but then it’s like she flies into some kind of strange rage.“Youwere all over Sid in the pool last night andyouwanted me and Atlas tofuck,thenyouleft me, and you were with her and I just want toforget it!”She almost screams the last words, trying to get off of me, attempting to turn around.
I hold on tight, just under her chin, my fingers splayed over the top of her throat. But I pull my hand from between her thighs, only to lift it and push her shoulder back, so she’s angled more toward me, a few inches between us. I can smell her from my fingers and every physical part of me wants to do just what she said.
Forget it.
But my heart is beating too fast inside my chest, my stomach is tangled into knots. Because she’s trying to distract me from what she just said.
I slide my hand up from her shoulder, both around her throat now, angling her chin up. “Who gave you a pill?” I ask it slowly, carefully. “Did you take it before I fucked you?”
Her eyes dart around the interior of the Mercedes, like she can find some secret escape. But my hands are quite literally at her throat and I’m not letting go.
I lean in close, our eyes level. “Answer me. Say his name.” I know it wasn’t Sid and she’s the only other girl here at Liber right now since Cain’s fuck for the night went home this morning and Lucifer kicked Ezra’s out last night.
My blood pressure rises inside my veins. The weight of my world—of Ella’s innocence and the ways I might have failed to protect her last night because I walked the fuck away—it rests like a casket on my chest.
She licks her bottom lip, her brows pulling together. Then she just whispers, “Before. And it was…Atlas.”The answer guts me, but there’s something about what she’s saying, something inside of it is a lie.
“What was it like?Growing up under your uncles?”
I know it’s him. None of my brothers sound like he does. It grates under my skin, his voice. A reminder of ghosts in my past. Of Mikhail and the Malikov name and all the things I don’t want to be. The urge to carve off every piece of me that’s just like my father is always strong. But I’d have to break my ribs and extract my heart to get it done. We’re too much alike, and for Lilith, for Rain… I hate that.
I pull from the cigarette, watching the cherry glow bright as my eyes zone in on the darkness of the woods surrounding Liber, beyond the gazebo I’m under. For a brief moment, I miss my own home with an ache that catches me off guard. We have gardens there now. A fountain. Things I thought would make our house a home. Truthfully, I think Rain did that, all on his own.
I tap out the ash on the glass tray beside my chair, leaning back as I exhale through my nose, sitting around an unlit fire in one of Liber’s many backyard alcoves, there’s a single cement wall attached to the canopy of the gazebo.
This is what I wanted, him to come to me right here. I went inside and needed to check in on my wife and son, and I told him to bring his ass here in fifteen minutes.
Now he’s somewhere behind me, I’ve got what I wanted, and I’m not so sure I like how it’s going. Seems to be the story of my fucking life.
“Did you…” Sevryn’s words are strained. He’s swallowing down an emotion, like he’s been taught to do his entire life. I know he’s somewhere close behind me, because with the roar of the fountain just past the fire pit, I can still hear him clearly.
I don’t want to though.
I don’t want him to say another fucking word. I’m supposed to question him about Natalie and the secrets Atlas is keeping. Not be fucking questioned.
I take another pull, closing my eyes as I do. My hood is over my head. Even after what I assumed I’d do with him, after the walk inside, I just wanted to be alone. Not think. Truthfully, I wouldn’t mind an escape in white lines again. It would be so easy. My fingers tighten in the pocket of my hoodie, around my lighter.
It’s my mood swinging, dipping angry and low, but I can’t fucking help it.
“I don’t know what to do with all this space.” Sevryn doesn’t shut up. “I do not even mind when you force me into my room. It’s too much. I keep waiting for someone to…needme.”
I don’t want to think about what he means by that. My temper starts to fray. I don’t know why he’s talking now, except maybe it’s all eating at him, since he’s alone all the time. Or maybe he’s fucking deflecting.
My phone is in the pocket of my pants. I can grab it and score in five minutes flat. I can drive to pick it up and have someone cover for me so Sid isn’t on my ass. I can—
“I don’t want to do this. I’m not hiding anything. I don’t want to be here just as much as you don’t want me to be. Mikhail said… he said I have to stay here now and learn from you and the rest of them, but I don’t want to—”
I’m on my feet before I can take another breath. The cigarette snaps between my fingers and I drop it as I spin around to face Sevryn. I brush my hood back and the cool air does nothing for my hot temper.
It’s the first time he’s talking to me about any of this shit.
“It doesn’t matter what you fucking want.”
