Page 39 of Boy of Ruin
I don’t let go.
“Jeremiah, let go of me.”
I don’t.
Even when she lifts her hand and slaps me across the fucking face again, I don’t let go of her. I turn my head back to face her, fingers digging into her waist as I pull her closer still.
Her jaw clenches, her hand still raised like she might hit me again.
“Do it,” I tell her. “If it makes you feel better, do it again. I want you to fight me. It’s why I’ve tried to teach you.”
Just as she goes to do just that, to show off what she’s learned, I catch her hand, spin her around so her back is to my chest, both of her wrists gripped in one of my hands, the other over her mouth.
She stills in my arms.
“If you were another girl, Sid Rain, I’d have already fucking killed you,” I tell her, my mouth against her ear. “Be careful what you do to me.” I kiss her neck, feel her shiver in my arms. “Be careful what you say to me.” I kiss her again and she relaxes into my touch because I know Sid Rain, and I know she’s a sick fuck, just like me. “Be careful how you treat me, baby, because I don’t play games. I’m not him.” My hand over her mouth slides down her throat, over her chest, to her stomach. She tenses beneath my touch. “I’d never want to hurt you, you know that, Sid?” My fingers slide under her tank top, hot against her smooth skin. “But if you keep fucking playing with me, I’ll have to show you all the things I don’t want to do.”
“You don’t want the baby.” I don’t phrase it as a question because I already know the goddamn answer.
She looks down at her bare feet, and I see her swallow. “I don’t think now is—”
I brush a lock of hair behind her ear as she lifts her chin, her eyes silver slits as she looks up at me, gaze wary. “Now is the perfect time.” I drop my hand, gesture around the living room. This fucking stone mansion that’s hers now, just as much as it’s mine. This entire street is ours. The fucking world is ours. But that doesn’t seem like enough for Sid Malikov. “I’ll take care of you, like I’ve always done. Of our baby.” I glance at her belly, definitely not showing yet but still. There’s a baby in there. “Why isn’t now the right time, Lilith?” I try to keep my tone soft, but I’m feeling edgy, my fingers twitchy.
Her hands are balled into fists at her side as her gaze hardens. “Because you do fuck all but get high and lose your fucking mind whenever I try to open up to—”
I slam my fists on the wall beside her head, caging her in and making her flinch. I hate that, but I can’t…stop. Nothing I do is enough for her. It’s just never fucking good enough. “You mean when you try to tell me how much you miss the man that fucking raped you?”
“He didn’t—”
“Yeah, because he realized you were his fucking sister. Are you stupid, Sid? I always thought you were the smartest person I ever knew, but lately I’ve been wondering if—”
She slaps me. I should see it coming. It’s her thing. She does that. Especially with me. But I don’t see it coming, and my head spins to the side as I flex my jaw, my heart pounding so hard in my chest I can hardly fucking breathe. Anger lights in my blood, and it takes a fucking effort to keep my fists against the wall and not on her as I turn back to face her. I don’t want to hurt her. Not like that. But my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and it’s the fucking blow that I can taste in the back of my throat. She isn’t wrong, the things she’s accusing me of. She isn’t wrong, and I hate that all the more.
“Don’t talk to me like that, Lucifer. Get out of my fucking face.” She glances behind me, the sun not even up and we’re already fucking fighting. She couldn’t sleep well and I decided, one more time, I’d try to be there for her. Clearly, that was a fucking mistake. “I want to be alone.”
I bite my tongue, trying to hold it all in. All the hurtful things I want to say. The shit that’s been boiling in my blood for a couple of months now. She’s hurt that I stabbed him. The man that made her life a living hell. The one who never belonged with us and has no place in her life. I know what he did to his sisters. I know how they suffered. My father told me that. The 6 claimed it made him one of us. They didn’t even find one of the bodies and I feel sick wondering what he did to her.
Now, Sid is mad because I did the right fucking thing.
Fuck that.
I don’t hold it in anymore.
“Nah, I’m not moving.”
Her eyes snap to mine.
“You’re fucking testing me, Sid. You’re pushing me and I’ve been nothing but patient with you. The coke? The fucking…women? All of that is your goddamn fault for pushing me away—”
She shoves me, and I step back, my hands going to my side. “Don’t put that on me. I’ve done nothing but exactly what you want me to do.” She throws her hands up. “I’ve stayed in this house and haven’t gone anywhere to please you and—”
“Shut the fuck up.” I wipe my hand over my mouth, regretting the words as hurt flickers in her eyes, but I can’t stop myself. It’s true, about the coke. It’s true, and when I got up this morning, it was true as I bumped a line then, too. But I need it. I can’t keep up with her mood swings. With the fact that no matter what I do for her, it won’t be enough because I’m not him.
And the things I’m seeing, the voices in my head…it’s getting worse. They’re getting louder.
I need her, but I can’t figure out how to talk to her.
I drop my hand. I still regret those words. She pled with me to stop hurting her, weeks ago. And I haven’t. I fucking haven’t. “I just…I’m sorry. I want to keep you safe and I love you, and I don’t —”
