Page 201 of Boy of Ruin
I place a hand on it now and see Lucifer’s eyes dart my way again, trailing up my body, locking his gaze with mine.
We don’t speak.
I’m not even breathing.
But for a few moments, we hold each other’s gaze, and for the first time since I knew he’d leave, it’s this moment I want to beg him not to.
My hand over what will be his child, my eyes on his, he holds me in the palm of his fucking hand. What he let me do, what he did with me… He loves me.
And I know, as my heart skips a beat in my too-tight chest, I know he loves me enough to let me go. Set me free.
I want to tell him not to do anything stupid for me right now. I want to tell him to live his life, because he deserves it.
He deserves happiness.
Even if it isn’t with me.
It’s okay, Lucifer. You can let me go.
I keep thinking it, as if maybe our connection is more than scar deep. Maybe it runs further than the marks on our palms. The rushed, angry wedding vows at the courthouse. The nights we spent together as a married couple. Even last night. Ignis. Maybe we really do love each other and maybe we really are soulmates. Maybe all this shit about doing everything to save my life was an undercurrent, not the wave.
Maybe he loves me, too.
And if we weren’t so fucked in the head, we’d probably build a future together. A good one. He’d be the perfect dad. He’s the perfect man.
But I don’t deserve him.
Let me go.
Live a life you can be happy with.
I’m not that person for you.
I’m not it.
“I’ve waited a long, long time to fix my mistake.” Maddox’s voice slices through my thoughts like a knife, and I grip the one in my hand ever-tighter, aware that because I’m behind Jeremiah’s body, Maddox might not see it.
Lucifer turns from me, a look of anguish on his face as he bites his lip, his brow creasing. But when he’s staring at Maddox, that anguish is gone. Replaced instead with a cold, calm fury.
“Put the gun down, Maddox,” he says quietly, his voice full of that that raspy edge that still makes my stomach flutter. “You’re fucking embarrassing yourself.”
Maddox’s jaw clenches as he turns to Lucifer, stepping closer to him.
My stomach drops.
No.
I make to move around Jeremiah, but he senses it, shifting with me, holding his arms out to stop me from going around him.
Maddox and Lucifer are having a standoff, but that gun is too close to my husband’s fucking head.
Then Lucifer moves, standing directly in front of me and Jeremiah.
Shielding both of us.
Maddox laughs. “You’re a little shit, you know that?” he asks Lucifer coldly, his brows creased, but a manic smile on his face, full of hard edges just like my brother’s. “A disrespectful shit. Your perceived power has gone to your head, Lucifer,” he steps even closer, and Lucifer doesn’t back down.
The gun is inches from his head, and my stomach churns, but it’s like I’m frozen. Behind Jeremiah, knife in hand, I can’t move.
