Page 194 of Boy of Ruin
I love them.
I love them both.
“J,” I whisper, my voice rough, my hands still planted on his chest. I open my mouth to speak again, but I don’t know what to say.
How did we get here?
How did this happen to us?
Why did the world us fuck us so. Goddamn. Hard?
His eyes hold mine. “Baby,” he whispers.
Lucifer’s fingers dig a little deeper against my shoulder, and he still hasn’t let go of J’s hand at my throat.
“I need you to come back with me, Sid,” Jeremiah whispers.
I tense, waiting for Lucifer to say something. Waiting for him to shove me away.
But there’s silence.
There’s just fucking silence, and even Jeremiah is surprised. I see it in the way he looks past me, just for half a second, at my husband behind me.
The silence almost feels…worse.
Like he’s letting me decide. Like Lucifer is letting me run.
I can’t breathe.
“I…” I can’t speak, either. I don’t know what to say. What to do.
I glance at both of their hands so close to my throat. They’ve always been at my fucking throat, since the days we met. They’ve been at each other’s too, for reasons neither of them could help. Neither of them chose.
I feel my blood heat, seeing Lucifer’s pale fingers wrapped around Jeremiah’s tan wrist, his own fingers against my throat, feeling my pulse pick up speed.
Why am I like this?
It’s like I told Lucifer. They fucking broke me.
But the thing about being broken is no one expects you to be wholesome. You’re already in pieces. You can fuck everything up, and it’s all anyone will ever expect.
So when I look up through my lashes at Jeremiah, and his eyes dart to my mouth, and when I feel Lucifer tug me back, his hand leaving my shoulder to go to my hip, and I feel his cock digging into my spine, I don’t care.
I get to do this, because I’m dirty. I’m wrong. I can do anything I fucking want, and no one will think any less of me than they already do.
Fuck ‘em.
“Lilith.” My name from my husband’s mouth sounds like a warning.
I don’t care.
“We can either do this together, or not at all.” I can’t live without them both. I just fucking can’t.
Lucifer doesn’t say anything.
There’s just silence.
Nothing.
