Page 135 of Ecstasy
Alex kisses my neck again and I keep talking. “I probably didn’t need the Narcan but one of my friends called 911 anyway, and they administered it and my friend called my mom and…well, here I am.”
Alex’s lips are warm and soft against my skin and I let my eyes flutter closed, falling into his warmth. Into his goodness.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he finally says. “It sucks it happened that way, but I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” The words come out without thought. I don’t think about them at all. They’re just true.
“You mean that?” Alex asks, hope in his words.
“Yeah. I mean it.”
“What comes after this?” he asks next, and there’s hope there, too, but something else in the way his words are so quiet. Lower than a whisper. Almost as if he’s asking himself and not me, which might be the smarter thing to do because fuck if I know what comes next.
I turn in his arms so I’m facing him. From the moon shining through my curtains, I can make out his dark eyes, his beautiful mouth. The worry on his brow.
I trail one hand over his bicep, and his hand finds my waist, clamping down on it as if he can keep me forever. As if this week isn’t just a fantasy. As if it’s something real.
Is it real?
I don’t know.
I don’t have any idea what this shit is between us anymore.
“What do you think?” I ask him instead of saying any of those things.
He slides his hand under my shirt and it’s so warm against my skin. I keep trailing my finger up the veins of his arm, the hard muscle beneath his soft skin.
“I think I want to keep you,” he says with a faint trace of a smile. “I think I want to keep you and I think I don’t ever want to let you go, Zara Rose.”
There are so many things I could say. What about this? What about that? What about everything?
But I don’t say any of them, because then he’d askmequestions, too, and I don’t want to think about the answers. For one of the first times in my life, I just want this moment.
He moves his hand from under my shirt and cups my cheek instead. His hands are so big, it nearly covers my entire face which makes me smile. He brushes his thumb over my bottom lip.
“What do you think about that?” he asks me, and I stop skimming his arm with my fingers and instead rest my hand on his back, scooting closer to him in my bed.
“I think I like that idea a lot,” I admit.
“Really?” He sounds surprised, and I guess I can’t blame him.
“You really want me?” I counter. “After everything I did? Everything you know about me?”
He still has his thumb over my mouth, and he doesn’t move away from me. He doesn’t run, even though bringing up all the ways I’ve wronged him gives him every reason to.
He’s not like Eli. He admitted as much to me before. He doesn’t like to watch me with other guys. He doesn’t want to share me. But he’s seen all of that, seen me at my worst, and he still wants me? It’s almost hard to fathom.
“Yeah,” he says, his voice kind of hoarse. “I do.” I hear him swallow, and he pushes his hand back, through my hair.
“Why are you so good to me after all the shit I’ve done?”
I hear him swallow. “I could ask the same of you.” This time,heclears this throat. “I’m sorry too, you know. For how I always get so angry, and not sticking up for you with my dad. But fuck him, Zara.” His eyes are shining in the dark. “I mean it. Fuck him, and fuck me, too. I promise I’m going to work on my own shit, too. I promise you, princess. I’m sorry for all of it.” He takes a deep breath. “We’ve all made mistakes, Zara. It’s called being human.”
I laugh, shaking my head as he strokes my hair. “I think I’ve done a little more than make mistakes.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He smiles at me, his white teeth visible even in the dark. “But I see everything you could be. Everything you already are, even if you don’t know it yet. I see more than what you want people to see, Zara. I see past your bullshit, and that’s what I want. What you really are.”
“What if you’re wrong?” My mouth is dry, my stomach fluttering as I meet his gaze. “What if I’m not any of the good things you think you see? What if I’m just as wrong as I look?”
