Page 97 of Ecstasy
Zara
I findmyself in Alex’s Jeep Friday night, headed to the coast.
And I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it. I have no idea how this is going to go down with Eli coming too. I don’t know how I should act around him. I don’t know if I’ll open my big drunk mouth and tell Alex something I shouldn’t while we’re there.
Half of my heart wants to. Half of me wants to tell him everything. Ask him about his parents. Tell him I want to try again. I want to do this right.
Half of me wonders if this thing with Eli could be something more than a fling.
“We need to talk.” It’s the first words Alex has said so far since he picked me up outside of my apartment, besides a grunt in place of a greeting. He brushes his thumb over his mouth, drops it back on the ledge of the door. He’s got his other hand on the wheel, muscles flexing in his forearms. “I don’t know what’s going on here, between us.” He blows out a breath and I try my best to resist the urge to open his door and fling myself onto the highway. “But we should probably talk about it, yeah?” He glances at me, as if he expects me to agree.
I swallow a few times, severely regrettingnottaking Vyvanse before this shit. I tried to stay strong and downed four shots of espresso from Kylie’s espresso machine instead. I was proud of myself.
Now I’m just disappointed.
If we try this again, if we get back together, I’ll have to tell him. I’ll have to tell him because Eli isn’t trustworthy. Eli lied to him already, Eli spilled about him and Kylie and yeah, that benefitted me but what else would Eli lie about? What would he confess to Alex?
If Alex and I get back together, I’ll have to come clean. And then we might not get back together at all.
“I don’t know.” That’s all I manage to say, staring straight ahead at the dark September sky. Tomorrow, it’ll be fall. I wish I was in fall right now. Falling right out of this fucking Jeep.
Alex is quiet a moment. Even the stereo is turned down and I do not like that at all.
“You don’t know?” he finally asks.
“Alex.” I keep my words calm and cool. “I think what we’re doing right now is fine.” I don’t look at him as I say the words, and I just hold my breath, hoping he keeps his shit together. It’s a lie. It’s not fine. I miss him.
But Eli, I need to get my shit straight where he is concerned.
Alex is quiet for so long I wonder if he even heard me, but I still keep staring straight ahead. And then he finally says, “I want you back. I clearly can’t stay away from you, Zara. I want you.”
I feel hot all over. I desperately want to roll down the window but don’t. I just keep staring straight ahead, hands on my bare thighs, beneath my cut-off black jean shorts. I’m glad I’ve got sunglasses on even though it’s nighttime, since I’m a fucking weirdo, because I do not want Alex to see my face right now.
“But what about everything that happened?” I don’t really want to remind him of the Jamal incident. I don’t want him to blow up about it again, but he’s bringing this shit up. I need to test the waters. If he could forgive me for Jamal, maybe he could forgive me for Eli. Maybe this could work between us.
His large hand rests on my thigh. I tense beneath his touch and he only presses against my skin harder.
He still doesn’t answer me, though.
“Alex,” I whisper into the quiet of the car, “do you forgive me?”
His fingers dig into my thigh. “It’s not your fault that the girl who fucked this all up is dead and the guy isn’t.”
I almost flinch at the words. At his callous tone. I mean, I didn’t like Rihanna or know her either, but the way he says it, it’s cavalier.
She fucking drowned in his pool. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m irritated because I’m not on drugs for once, or maybe it’s just because I’m not high that it finally gets to me, his attitude about her death.
But it does.
At least Eli pretended to give a damn.
At least Eli acts like he has a heart.
I twist around to look at Alex, ripping my sunglasses off, knowing that my surge of anger is irrational, but I can’t hold it back. “How can you say that?” I ask him, thinking back to that party. That girl that I don’t know shit about. What he might have done to her. “How can you—why don’t you fucking care?”
He stares at me a second too long and we almost run off the goddamn road.
“Alex!” I scream, and he yanks the steering wheel, nearly overcorrecting. But he straightens us out as my heart pounds way too fast in my chest. He keeps his eyes on the road, his jaw clenched, and he’s not touching me anymore.
