Page 131 of The Cruelest Chaos
I’mhischild.
Sid is, too.
My father makes a strange gurgling sound, like he’s trying to speak.
Ella holds my gaze, and my hand. “He’s going to die, Mavy,” she repeats softly.
And I think,Why isn’t she freaking out right now?And then I think,Why am I not freaking out right now?
My father is dying.
My father is going to die.
I’m not running to him. I’m not helping him. Ria’s soft whimpers are the only sound in this room, aside from my father’s choked words. Unintelligible things that I can’t understand.
Sid finally moves.
She lowers the gun, closes the distance between us. I turn toward her, still holding Ella’s hand.
Sid holds the gun out to me, gripping the barrel, the grip facing me.
I look down at it, but don’t take it.
Instead, keeping my eyes down, I ask her, “Are you going to leave with him?”
Ria stops whimpering. My father stops speaking, as if he knows just how important this is, too. As if he knows that even if he dies, this still matters. This is… This could change everything.
Sid doesn’t say a word, but her silence tells me everything.
I swallow, wet my lips as I stare down at the gun. Ella is at my back, still gripping my hand. The other I flex into a fist.
“Tell me why,” I whisper. “Tell me why, so I can make him understand. So I…soIcan understand, Angel.”
More silence.
She doesn’t drop the gun, just keeps holding it out for me to take. But her fingers tremble, and I wonder if she knows the answer to my question. Is it just what her heart wants? Can we ever deny that feeling, no matter what we know? Can logic ever win? Or is it the insanity of love, every time?
“Fac, si facis.” I whisper the Latin words, but she knows them.
She knows them, because she wrote me a letter. And I wrote her one back, with this very phrase.
Do it if you’re going to do it.
She takes a shaky breath, her words so low, but the room is silent. Everyone can hear her when she says, “Vivere miltare est.”To live is to fight.She pauses, another shaky breath in, a slow one out. “Memento mori.”Remember death.“It will come for us all, Mav. Even me, and considering they’re still not very happy with me…” I hear a smile in her words, but I hear the pain, too. I hear the hurt. “Maybe sooner than later. But not today.” Her fingers graze my cheek, but I still don’t look up. “Not today.”
She turns to go, but sets the gun carefully on the ground, rising back to her feet in silence.
I stare at the floor, still holding Ella’s hand.
“Wait,” I call after my sister.
I hear her steps falter.
I can’t hear my father anymore.
“Do you love him, Angel?” I still can’t look at her. “Did you ever?” I remember what he said to me:Aside from hearing Sid tell me she loves me? Nothing has ever felt better than driving that knife into my father’s fucking brain.
Had she meant it?
