Page 115 of Pray for Scars
I run my hand over my face but then I do. I turn to him. His eyes are searching mine and I don’t know what he’s looking for. Whatever it is, I probably don’t have it.
“What?” I ask wearily. “Wanna play 21 Questions about who all got in Sid’s pants without her permission?” I laugh and his eyes narrow, his jaw clenched tight. I throw up my hands, feigning flippancy. “Then we can play who got inwithher permission.” I give him a bright, fake smile. “That list will be longer.” The smile falters. “I made sure of it.”
For a moment, he just stares at me, his knuckles white as he clasps his hands together. Then he shifts closer to me, wraps an arm around me, his body shielding mine.
From what, I don’t know.
“If anyone ever hurts you again, Sid, I’m going to fuck them up. Just like I did with all the others.”
Including his father.
I roll my eyes and try to move my face from him, but he grips my chin in his hand. “I’m not fucking around. Let me protect you, okay? Just...” He swallows. “Just fucking let me.Please.”
I look down, feel my heart hammering away in my chest. I don’t want his protection at the exact same time that I crave it.
“What if it’s you?” I finally ask, eyes meeting his.
His brows pull together.
“That hurts me, I mean. What if it’s you?”
His grip on my chin loosens but his arm around me tightens. “It might be,” he admits, words soft. “But not like that. Never like that. And even if I do...” he takes a breath. “Even if I do, I’ll never leave you. We can fuck each other up again and again, but I’m not leaving. And you’re not running. At least,” he smirks, “not very far.”
I don’t say anything. What is there to say? I don’t even want to run anymore. I like the way Lucifer sleeps with his arms around me, as if he can’t get enough of me, even when he’s resting. I like that he eats cereal in the morning and watches cartoons and gives me backrubs while I sit in his lap.
I like that Ezra’s father has agreed to burn down Sanctum and start a new church for the cult—the6—to meet at. I like that Lucifer hasn’t pushed me to learn about any of their rituals yet. That he has guards all around our home when he goes out forwork, and that when he comes home with more blood on his hands, he doesn’t tell me the details unless I want to know.
I like that we run together every morning. I like that he hasn’t pressed me about Mayhem—Maverick.Myrealbrother.
I like that next weekend, we’re going to Liber, just him and I, for peace and quiet.
I like that he’s asked if I want to meet Finn, but hasn’t made it a big thing yet.
I like…him. So much.
His hand moves from my chin to the back of my neck. “What did you mean?” he asks again. “About too much work?”
I don’t really like that he can never let anything go when it comes to me, but…deep down, I like that too.
Every muscle in my body is tense and I know he can feel it, because he starts gently massaging my neck. A gentleness I never thought him capable of. A gentleness he’s demonstrated over and over again these past two weeks. He’s all hard angles and rough edges, but for me…he can be whatever I need. He has been.
“You can say it out loud to me, Sid. Face the monsters. I’ll take care of them all. I’m the worst one.” He smiles. “I just need you to name them, okay?”
I close my eyes. Shake my head. But he keeps massaging my neck and finally I just blurt it out.
“The first one…he couldn’t fuck me. It was...I was young. I was just a fucking kid.” I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and he keeps his hand on me, his arm around me. “He couldn’t...” My eyes snap open and I jerk out of his grip, backing away. Slowly, he comes closer, towering over me.
I sigh, shaking my head, then my eyes turn hard on Lucifer. On his brilliant blue eyes, his pale skin, those dark lashes that nearly fan to his cheeks when he closes his eyes. “You really want me to say it? Spell it out for you, Lucifer?” I get in his face. Shove him against the deck. “Are you that sick in the head?” My voice cracks with those words and he grabs my wrists, pulling me into him.
I can’t stop the sob that escapes my throat and he wraps his arms around me, whispering in my ear. “I am sick,” he admits quietly, and I can’t stop crying. “I am sick, but so are you. It’s why you’re for me. And I’m for you. And if anyone ever tries to hurt you again, they won’t get past me.”
I suck in air, trying to stop the tears, but I can’t.
“Don’t be like this, okay, Lilith? Not with me.”
I don’t know what he means. I shake my head, unable to speak, to say a fucking word, the tears falling faster, hot and wet down my face, buried against his chest.
“Don’t try to pretend you’re okay when you’re not,” he says, his words rumbling from his chest, vibrating through me. “Don’t try to be so brave all the time, okay, baby? You don’t have to be. We got…” He stops for a second, and when he starts again, his voice is hoarse, nearly choked, so much emotion that he can barely get the words out. “We got fucked up, okay? We got fucked up, and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of it. And I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you. I’m so sorry you were here, so close to me, and I had no idea…I’m so fucking sorry. But you can fall apart with me, Lilith. Okay? You can fucking fall apart and I’ll put you back together, over and over and over again, scars and all.” He pulls away from me, spins me around, pulls me back to his chest, his arms wrapped around the front of me. “We’ll figure this all out, okay? Everything. When your memories come flooding back, tell me. Talk to me. And as for the other shit, you can meet Finn if you want, or if you don’t, that’s okay, too. And we’ll, ya know, go see a movie and go on a fucking date and do nice, normal things. And then I’ll take you home and bite the shit out of you and drink your blood and fuck you so hard you can barely stand, and that’s what I want my life to be.”
