Page 69 of These Monstrous Ties
I try to repeat those things over and over again in my mind. Like a chant. A ward against the other feelings that are resurfacing at his nearness.
“Did you want it?” he tries again, eyes flicking to my throat.
I swallow. Anger lights through me, but I suppose it’s a fair question. Sometimes I do want that. Sometimes I had. But these marks weren’t sexual.
Although he doesn’t know that.
I still don’t say anything. I’m not sure what sins I might confess tonight if I do. I don’t want to give him any more of mine. I don’t want to take any more of his. I can’t.
His hand runs down my body, like it had that night. He stops at the hem of my sweatshirt, staring at me. Then he slips his hand beneath it, his fingers splay on my skin. His touch is like fire. A fire I want to burn me.
I try to force that thought away.
“Get your hand off of me,” I snarl.
His fingers dig into my skin, one hand still on the wall beside my head. “Who hurt you?”
I sigh. He isn’t going to give it up. But how can I tell him? And why would I?
“That’s not your business. Who hurts me, who pleases me, who fucks me. None of that is your business. It never was.”
“Lucifer, get your girl under control,” Ezra drawls from the couch at his back. “We probably don’t have much time.”
Lucifer’s eyes narrow, long lashes nearly reaching his dark brows. He presses his brow against mine. “Lilith,” he says, and I notice there’s something like a plea in that word. “Please. Tell me.”
Please.
Him and my brother are more alike than they probably know. Both manipulative. Both seductive in their darkness. I wonder if they got along well, those few years they ran together. I marvel at the fact they lasted that long.
I marvel, too, at the fact that my brother walked away from them. From this. Over one night. He chose me.
I bite my lip, and Lucifer’s eyes go to my mouth. Something flashes in his gaze, something besides the anger. The coldness. Something warm.
I turn my head away from him, and his fingers dig a little deeper into my abdomen. He doesn’t move his head from mine.
I close my eyes tight, trying to not feel him. Trying to get my mind away from this moment.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say softly, the fight going out of me for a moment. “It doesn’t matter.”
His hand slides further up my torso, coming to rest on my heart. “It matters to me,” he whispers.
I shake my head. “Someone that works for Jeremiah. And…” I swallow against the lump in my throat. I don’t know why I’m telling him. But it won’t make a difference for anyone, anyway. “Jeremiah himself.” I spit my brother’s name out like it’s poison. In some ways, he had been poison to me. But he’d also been my antidote. Lucifer had fucked me over, had taken away my choice to die. But Jeremiah had tried his best to bring me back to life, even if his methods were unconventional.
I feel Lucifer’s hand tense on my heart, over my breast. The touch isn’t sexual. It’s…comforting in a strange way. I keep my eyes closed.
“Look at me,” he commands.
I don’t.
He sighs through his nose, his brow still on mine. “Lilith,” he pleads. “Sid.” It’s the first time he’s said my name, my real name, without disdain. “Sid, look at me.”
I open my eyes, turn to face him. He pulls back a little, to take me in fully.
“Who is Jeremiah to you?” he asks me again.
“Why do you get to ask all the questions!” The words erupt from my lips in a growl, but he doesn’t even flinch. As if he expected them. As if he was used to my darkness, just biding his time, waiting for it to come out and play. “Why do you get to ask anything at all? What am I even doing here? If it’s money you want, you won’t get it. Jeremiah doesn’t love me that much. He’ll kill you, and he’ll take me back, and that’s it.”
He breathes a laugh, my chest heaving beneath his hand under my sweatshirt. “I don’t need his money. I have plenty of my own.”
