Page 57 of Let Me
I want to disappear.
TWENTY-SIX
June, 3 Years Ago
I’M NOT DRUNK ANYMORE. I should be, because before tonight I never drank. I stayed away, even when Jack offered it. When the Viranis said it wasfine. When I saw Mom’s beer in the fridge; beer we couldn’t afford but she found a way anyhow, because she always found a way for whatever she needed.
But for some reason, I’m stone-cold sober.
I follow Caden into the elevator of some fancy hotel that I would never be able to afford in my wildest dreams. He offered to take me to his condo, but the traffic is terrible. I was itching to get out of that car. It was nice, nicer even than Jack’s, but I couldn’t stand it. Being so close to him and not touching him.
And when he put his hand on my thigh, well…whatever resolve I’d mustered up tonotsleep with him the moment I saw him in that bedroom doorway, it went out the window.
I don’t even care that he found me on top of some random guy. I’m just glad he found me.
I left Jack because I had to. Because there was no way I could keep seeing him and have that secret between us. I couldn’t go to his house and see his father and act like everything was fine. As it is, it isn’t fine.
Rolland sent me the video. Of course, he’s not visible. Not his face, anyhow. He has no wedding band, not tell-tale markings on his hands or his arms. He was wearing long sleeves. It’s only me, from my nose down, so no one can see my eyes wide with fear. Only my breasts, my bare stomach, Rolland’s hands trailing down my body.
I met with Rolland after school, the Monday after it happened. He wants nothing, for now, he says, but to keep an eye out for me. And he won’t show anyone. Won’t tell anyone.
I’m not stupid. I know more demands are coming. I know, too, that I should have told someone. But who? My mother still has no idea I ran away because of one of her perverted boyfriends, who, thankfully, was gone when I went home the next morning, after the drug Rolland spiked my drink with made its way out of my system. My mom would never believe me. And I don’t have money. I can’t go to court.
I think Jack would believe me. But what if he didn’t? In the video, everything appears consensual. Appears like I’m conscious, aware. My abdomen even shivers under Rolland’s touch.
I clench my hands into fists as Caden and I get out of the elevator, on the seventh floor.
He doesn’t look at me as we walk down the sleek, black hallway. There’s art on the walls, black and white photographs and paintings that are kind of abstract and probably supposed to have some deep meaning that I don’t get.
The only one that really catches my eye is made of words.
Fear feeds us, in letters made of black snakes.
I feel that fear in the pit of my stomach as I follow Caden. Not from being here, with him. But from what I’m hiding. What I’ve done. My God, if Caden found out…he would hate me. Everyone would hate me.
Jack already does. He lost it when I broke up with him. He’s been blowing up my phone non-stop. I left it at home, not giving a damn if Mom or her next boy toy swipe it from my nightstand. I deleted the video, the texts with Rolland. I couldn’t bear to see Jack’s face pop up again on my caller ID.
I haven’t even talked to Tyler about it.
He knows we broke up, but that’s all he knows for now.
I can’t tell him what happened. I can’t tell anyone.
“After you,” Caden says ahead of me, swiping the key card and opening the door for me after the little light turns green.
I glance up at him, frozen for a moment.
His eyes look like they’re carved from glaciers, framed by long dark lashes. A lock of his thick, dark blonde hair falls over one eye. His jaw is lean, his blazer open, and I can see, even through his crisp, white dress shirt that his body is lean, toned. I’ve seen him without a shirt on before, at his house. He’s stronger than his brother. Taller, too.
His full lips twitch up into a smile. “Having second thoughts?” he asks me, his voice low.
I shake my head and push past him, into the suite that’s ours for the night. I hear the door click closed behind me and I step further into the room, see the king-sized bed with far too many pillows and a black comforter. There are black dressers, a walk-in closet, a small living room off of the bedroom with a black leather couch. I see three TVs from this vantage point, and the window looks down on the glistening city, the black curtains open. The funky silver lamps beside the bed are flicked on.
I walk over to the window, looking out at the night sky. The stars aren’t really visible here in the city with all the lights down below, and I kind of wish they were. I want to see them, and I don’t even know why. Maybe to remember they exist. To see a little natural light in the darkness.
I hear Caden come up behind me.
I can feel his body heat, but he doesn’t touch me. In the reflection from the glass, I see him behind me. He’s so much taller than I am, even more so than Jack was. I find it interesting he never played basketball.
