Page 18 of Let Me
I don’t say any of that. Not even to my best friend. Tyler knows what my mom is like, but he wouldn’t let me use that as an excuse. His own home life isn’t exactly peaches and cream, either. He lives with his older sister because his parents kicked him out for something he can’t help and shouldn’t have to.
“Riley.” He says my full name and takes my hands again, both of them this time. I look at a bird flying over us, high in the sky. Free. Wild. I feel a surge of jealousy toward the animal.
“I’m gay as shit. If you can’t tell Jack you’re hanging out withme,well, that’s fucking ridiculous, now isn’t it?” He snarls the last few words.
I take my hands from him again, shove them in my jean pockets. I stare out at the clear, calm lake. “I know.”
“Knowing isn’t helping you. And if it’s because of your mom, well, you can always callme, Ry.” He says it with such sincerity, and I know he means it, but of course it isn’t true. I can’t just call him whenever shit gets bad, because shit is always bad. Since Jack wants to control me, coming over to his house all the time isn’t that odd. I don’t feel like a burden, because he wants me there. Even though I’m using him, and he’s probably using me, too, in a way, it kind of works for us.
For now.
“When we go to different schools, it’ll be different.” I don’t know if I’m really telling Tyler that or if I’m saying it more to myself.
I hear Tyler sigh beside me, and then he puts his arm around my shoulder. I lean into him, savoring his warmth. His nearness. Because even though going to separate schools where Jack is concerned isn’t really an issue, to me, taking a different path from Tyler…that scares me.
But I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t even know if I’mgoingto school. I might just work full-time. Move the fuck out of Mom’s place. I’ve avoided any really messy situations so far by keeping my head on my shoulders and looking out for myself, being hyper vigilant, and generally avoiding her and her boyfriends. But I kind of want to let loose. I want someone to take care of me. I want to reallylive.And I won’t get that at home.
If I don’t get a really, really good scholarship, moving out will be my only option. But Tyler has already gotten several wrestling scholarships to schools I could only dream of attending. I know his real passion is art, but I also know he isn’t made out of money. He can’t exactly afford to turn down any free money at this point.
“Look, Ry, just…think about it, okay? I know you’re stubborn as hell but think about what I’m saying. I don’t want you to end up stuck with this freak because you think he cares for you or some shit.Icare for you. Morgan cares for you. So many people can care for you and they don’t all have to own you while they do it.”
I nod without looking at him. It’ll be so simple, really. Jack will find another girl. He could haveanygirl; the fact he hasn’t found someone else by now is really the kicker. But it won’t last long. He’ll get bored of me. Until then, I’ll hold on.
ELEVEN
Present
“YOU STILL WANT HER, MAN,” Benji says to me. He’s sipping on water and I’m drinking a beer even though it’s only the middle of the day.
Because last night was rough.
And hey, at least it’s Saturday.
I’d gone back to the club, intent on at least getting off, and shoving away all those memories ofher: The feel of her hair in my hands, the look in her eyes after I saved her ass in the alleyway. Her, in that black dress.
I shake my head and finish my second beer, set it down on the table between me and Benji. We’re in a casual lunch spot called Rutgers, tucked away in the back, because I don’t want to see anyone I know. Which means no Shade today.
“And I don’t blame you,” Benji continues. “She looked hot as fuck last night in that little black dress—”
I slam my fist on the table and glare at him. His dark eyes dance with amusement and he leans back in the booth, a smug smile on his face. I’ve known Benji since I was a kid. We grew up on the same street. Some days, he knows me better than I know myself. Which is why he should know better than to say that to me.
“All I’m saying is her nipples were—”
“If you don’t stop talking about her like that, I swear to God I will fuck you up.”
He laughs easily, and I marvel at the fact this dude ever went to prison. It didn’t harden him. He was already hardened. It just made him…indifferent. Uncaring. He doesn’t give a fuck about much of anything anymore.
He rolls up his shirt sleeves and I see the tattoos on his inner forearms. Ones he didn’t have before prison. Now, banned from working at his father’s company, he does his own thing, on the side. He still manages Shade, but he does other shit, too. And honestly, I don’t really know what that is, exactly. He hasn’t told me, and I don’t press. I know it’s enough that he bought a penthouse in one of the most expensive cities in the world, so he’s not doing too bad.
I just don’t know what kind of bad he’s doing to live like that.
“Look, man, I know that she and Jack…I know you blame her for that. But you do realize it isn’t her fault? Jack had an illness, man, and she didn’t—”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My heart is slamming in my chest like it always does when I think of her, and of Jack. Of how she lied to me. How she fucked him over. How she fucked usbothover.
“Actually,” Benji says, sitting up straighter and shoving his water glass over so he can put his hands on the table, “I do. I was there when you fell apart. And I’m not saying she’s a saint, but neither were you. Neither was he. We all fuck up.”
“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” I counter, gripping the beer tighter in my hand.
