Page 17 of Let Me
Instead, I thumb through my texts and open the thread with Rolland. He’s threatening to come to the condo, which I don’t give a fuck about. He owns the place. He’s got a key, he can let himself in. But not until tonight, because for now, I want to be alone.
With Adam. Talk soon.
I send it and smile. Adam’s family is well-connected. Unfortunately, that means Rolland will soon find out that we aren’t together anymore, if Benji or Caden haven’t already told him. Fortunately, it means he’ll leave me the hell alone for at least a few more hours.
I strip down, glad to be out of the black dress that’s filled with the grime of the city, and set myself down in the big, marble tub. I turn on the hot water and dump in lavender oil that’s on the ledge. Then I lean back against the soft, waterproof pillow at my back, and shut my eyes. Rich people have the weirdest shit.
I’ve done nothing.
In the past twenty-four hours, I’ve done nothing. No yoga, no Pilates, no running. No academic classes, either. No working at the gym. But I’m still completely exhausted. Because being in this city reminds me of the night that changed everything. Being here is being too close to Rolland. Being here reminds me that I’m still under his thumb.
I sigh, listen to the water running into the tub, the fan humming in the background, because I can’t stand to sit in silence. I don’t remember if it always used to bother me, but since Rolland, and since Jack…I hate it. There’s too much to think about in the silence.
Even with the water running and the fan going, I still can’t block them out completely. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forget these years of my life. If Rolland will ever back off. And I wish, not for the first time, I could tell Caden everything.
But I can’t. Because it would break him. And having him broken…that would break me, too.
TEN
May, 3 years ago
LAKE JORDAN IS FINALLY THAWED COMPLETELY OUT, and I’m finally out of Jack’s crosshairs. For now. He’s away on some guy’s weekend trip up north, and I’m arm-in-arm with Tyler as we make our way into the forest, the late-spring sun warming my bare arms.
“Look man, I know you don’t want to, but you’ve got to dump that asshole,” Tyler is saying. He takes a hit of the blunt in his fingers, blows out the smoke. I exaggerate a cough and he rolls his golden eyes.
We step over a puddle in the dirt path, and I see Lake Jordan glimmering ahead, sun rays bouncing off of the expanse of blue.
I shake my head. “Jack isn’t bad,” I insist, and I mean it. “He’s just…”
“A prick? Obnoxious? Possessive? Controlling?” Tyler takes another hit, holds it in, then blows it right in my face. I unwind my arm from his and take a step back.
“Speaking of pricks,” I mutter, glaring at him.
He smiles, drops the blunt, grinds it beneath his heel, then plucks it up from the dirt and shoves it in his back pocket. “Gotta protect the planet,” he says with a wink. He nods his head in the direction of the lake, and we keep walking, side by side.
“I’m serious, Ry. Dude is out of control. He didn’t even like you hanging out with me today, did he?”
I rub my hands over my arms, wishing I’d brought a light jacket. It’s not cold, exactly, but it’s not really warm, either. I don’t answer Tyler, and he elbows me in the ribs.
“Hey, that hurt!” I cry out, deflecting him.
But as we reach the bank of the lake, my scuffed, knock-off Vans sinking in the soft dirt, he turns toward me. He takes my hand gently in his. I look down at our entwined fingers, his deep brown skin against my white.
“Riley. Did you tell him?” His voice is soft, kind. So unlike Tyler’s usual manner that I feel suddenly embarrassed.
I don’t lie to him, though, so I shake my head. Then I say it out loud, because I think I need to hear it, too. “No.”
Tyler sighs, his hand squeezing mine gently. “Why not?” he prods. I knew he wouldn’t just let this go. We used to be inseparable. But in the past few months, as graduation has gotten closer and the prospect of me and Jack going to different universities has gotten very, very real, Jack’s gotten more territorial. He’s started to actually think he owns me.
“If you didn’t tell him because you were scared of what he would say, then you do understand that this is a problem, don’t you?” I finally meet Tyler’s golden gaze, his eyes piercing on mine. I swallow, but nod.
“Yeah,” I manage to say. “I do.” I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, pull my hand from Tyler’s.
He shakes his head. “Then why? Why are you still with him? You’re not weak, Ry. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
Because the Viranis have a place for me to run to, when Mom gets too high. When she invites too many men over, men that pay her in drugs or change that helps pay the bills. That keeps us in the shitty apartment we’re in. That even though Mr. Virani is kind of creepy and overly friendly and even though Mrs. Virani barely says two words to me every time I come over, they let me come. They don’t judge me, at least not to my face.
That I like seeing Caden there, when he comes over on the weekends. That I like the way he looks at me. Like he really sees me. Not like he wants to own me, but like he knows me. Like he cares.
