Page 34 of Odin
“I was mostly ignored, and that was fine by me. I wasn’t treated like part of the family. The dog was given more love, but that was okay, because I loved Benny too. He was a sweet dog. A basset hound. The day he passed was the worst of my life, if you can imagine that.” She makes a wet sounding noise in her throat and her hand strokes over my knee. “I was never loved or given a second of guidance, but I know it could have been much worse. As soon as I was able, I got a job, hung around with the wrong friends, did a bunch of stupid shit. My aunt kicked me out when Iwas sixteen and told me not to come back. I didn’t. I did a bunch of illegal shit to stay afloat because that was easier and more lucrative than honest work. I just kind of drifted around all over the place. I thought I was tough, on the inside and out, because I didn’t trust anyone and didn’t need anyone. I thought the softer emotions were a joke. I didn’t need to be loved and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to be giving any of it.” My hand grips the full bowl of ice cream so hard that the heaping scoops nearly spill over the edge. “I might not call myself a piece of shit now, but I have no idea how to guide a child. No idea how to be a dad.”
For a long few moments, Willow is quiet.
I know she’s processing what I just said, and I give her that time, even though it makes me feel sick inside. I’m not trying to scare her off. She deserves to know the truth so she can go into this after making an informed decision based on reality and not the hope of redemption that a lovely soul like hers believes in.
She carefully takes the ice cream from me and sets it aside. She grips my hands, bending over them. I don’t even realize that she’s crying silently until splashes of wet baptize my knuckles.
She grazes her lips over them, as though she can kiss away the blood, sweat, tears, and stains from me.
I’m astounded by her kindness. Frozen with it. Sick with it. Sick with tenderness and the dangerous hope it brings.
“We’re all a product of our pasts,” she whispers. “I want to be a good mother, and you want to be a good father. We will be, because of the past, because of now, because of how we’ll move forward in the months to come. That’s what matters. Notthat we might mess up. It’s that wetry. I think the greatest love is just that. Trying.”
Somehow, I force words past the wet blockage in my throat. “I’m sorry that I’m a mess. I should be the one supporting you.”
She kisses my hands one more time and lowers them, but still clutches them tightly. “I want to propose that this is a partnership. We’re equals. We support each other and lean on each other, and we pick each other up when we need to. My dad used to say that’s what made things work.”
My brain is already whirring, churning over logistics. I can find her a place to stay. I know tons of people in Hart, most of them connected in some way to the club. They’d give her a job if I asked. But health insurance? Having a baby costs money. A lot of it. I just heard Zeppelin a few days ago, talking with Gunner about how much an appointment costs, even with insurance. His old lady, Ginny, is due in a few months.
“You aren’t in school anymore. Do you have insurance?”
At the sound of that word, Willow blanches. It’s the first time I’ve seen her taken aback this entire time. I hate to say it because I know how triggering this must be for her after her dad and those bastards denied his coverage. She didn’t just lose him. She lost everything over someone else’s greed.
“I- I don’t. I can probably get it, even if it’s expensive. I- I didn’t even think about that yet.”
“Marry me,” I blurt, before my brain can catch up. “I have insurance through the club. You’d be covered.” Now that I’ve said it, I have to keep going, or look like a fool. “We could get divorced a few years later, so it looks legit on paper. That doesn’ttie you down. Zero obligation. Just… safety. Financial security. Health insurance for you and the baby in case—everything out there fucking forbid—that anything should go wrong or be wrong. I’ll find you a house here. It could be yours, with the illusion of us living there together. I’m at the club most times anyway, so no one would question it. I can find you employment as well, if you’d like to work to fill up some of your days, but if not, it’s not a problem. I know you don’t want to take my money, but I have more than enough savings for both of us, at least until you figure out what you want to do. I don’t know what I can offer, but I can give you these things. I can look after this. Will you let me?”
“I mean, I- I…” she squeaks.
Yeah. I’ve completely shocked the hell out of myself again. I sure as shit didn’t see myself proposing or finding out I was going to be a father today.
“We could sign a contract. Not for when we’d get divorced, because leaving a paper trail for evidence of insurance fraud is never a great thing, but I’ll have our club’s lawyer, Lynette, write up a contract for you protecting all your assets. I’ll get her to draw one up for me as well, a will of sorts, I guess, that leaves everything to the baby if something should happen to me, with you as executor.”
“No!” Her yelp echoes through the park. “Stop.” She lowers her voice to a hiss, getting herself under control. She visibly shivers. “Don’t talk about anything happening to you.”
“I just want to make sure you and the baby are taken care of. I never had that. I fucking wanted to so badly.” My voice breaks on the end. Without hesitation, Willow pushes herself into me and slings an arm across my chest.
“I appreciate that, but I don’t think insurance fraud is the way. They could just as easily say that it was a pre-existing condition. Like- like with my dad.”
“Our health insurance is top notch. Lynette would set it up and ensure you’re covered. She’s very good at that. She’s an amazing lawyer and she’d fight so damn hard for you if she had to. I don’t know that anyone could cry fraud. A baby is, and always has been, a valid reason to get married.”
The way she looks up at me sends fractures spreading through my already cracked heart. She’s so uncertain, but she’s trying to cover it up with more bravery. Fake it until she makes it, except she’s already made it. She came all this way.Again.
There’s so much hope shining in her eyes, even if she needs a minute. “I’ll have to think about it.”
She shuffles over an inch, but doesn’t leave much space between us. I still miss the way her arm felt slung around me, like she knew she could protect a man three times her size, because it wasn’t my physical body she was worried about.
“Of course. You can also say no. I won’t be offended. I’ll just be worried, but we’ll figure it out.” I’ve made things awkward again, but I can’t seem to stop myself. “I have a place in mind, if you’d like to look at it. This old shop went up for sale across town. When I say it’s nothing special, that’s extremely kind. It’s basically two degrees above a dump. We have two garages run by guys from the club, but I’d like to start another, just for body work. We don’t have one that’s dedicated solely to that, and shoving everything into the other buildings is tough. It would take a good while to renovate it if we did buy it. It would be loud, before, during, and after. Not a great place to live by any means. Actually, that’s terrible. I don’t even know why Isaid that. There are other places. If we can’t find something that someone from the club already owns, I’ll buy a house.”
She looks at me like I’m crazy. “You donotneed to do that. I’d be happy to live anywhere. I have money for rent. I can find a job. I just… might need some help, if you know anyone who’s hiring. It’s hard, when you know you’re pregnant and want to take time off, to actually find work.”
“Wherever you go, you don’t have to worry about rent. I’d like you to save your money for school, when you go back. I know lots of people who would be happy to hire you. I can talk to anyone you’d like me to.”
She bites down on her bottom lip, then reaches for the bowl of ice cream and helps herself to a spoonful. “I’m not really a romantic, I guess. Even when I thought I was going to be married, I saw it as a partnership, not a fairytale.” She twirls the spoon through the rapidly melting mountain of pink. “This feels wrong, but I’m willing to admit that I don’t have twenty grand, or thirty, or forty- whatever it costs to give birth. I know that medical bills can break a life.” She shudders, clutching the plastic bowl as hard as I was before. “At the same time, you’re not a bank account. I want to reiterate that.”
“I know. I know that’s the last way you think of me. You’re not… I’m not thinking that this is the same way I needed to just provide financially before. I want to try to be a good father for this baby. It’s just that I’m in a position to be able to provide, and I’d like to be able to do that to give you both the best life I can. I think thatispart of a partnership. Doing what you can to help the other person live their best life.”
She laughs wetly, like she’s going to cry, but at least her smile is there, even if it’s wobbly. “How can I argue with my own logic?”
