Page 26 of Love On Deck
Chapter Twelve
“Hi, bubba. What’s going on?” Casey leads Connor into her and Will’s cabin and hugs him.
Connor’s heart has been thumping since he left Drew. He takes a breath and peers around. He hasn’t been to their cabin once during the course of the cruise, but it has the same faux wood cabinets, gold bedspread, and royal blue carpet as his own. They have windows and a balcony. “Where’s Will?”
“Jogging.”
He surveys the room. Casey’s souvenirs from Cozumel and Yucatan are on the desk. Postcards and pens. Shot glasses and a mini-Mayan ruin on a key chain. A small pile of clothes sits on the floor of the open closet. He knows he’s avoiding the conversation. But he won’t leave the room until he says what he came to say. So.
Connor shoves his hands into his pockets. He lifts his eyes to the low ceiling. “I need to talk to you.”
“So you said. What about?”
He swipes his hands down his ass to dry the dampness. This is not the way he wanted to do this, certainly not the way he thought it’d go down. But fuck…Andrew is special and Connor wants him. Wants the relationship.
Andrew is right. So is Marva. And he’s so very tired of keeping this secret from Casey. Even if she banishes him from her life, he needs to tell her. He’s got a reason now, and it’s a damned good one. Drew is definitely worth the risk.
“There’s something I need to tell you. About me.”
Her eyes go wide. “Did the team cut you?” She rushes to him and throws her arms around him. “I’m so—”
“Case, no.” He hugs her and steps back. “It’s not that.”
He whirls away from her, rakes his fingers through his hair. He needs a haircut. He should have gotten— Shit. He needs to focus. This shouldn’t be so hard. But it is. She’s the only family he has left and if he loses her… She’s been there for him through everything. His big sister, Casey, taking ballet with him when they first arrived in America. Helping him learn the language. Helping him with homework. Playing catch. Attending his high school baseball games when she could. Filling out college applications and FAFSA forms. He’s gulping air, but his head still feels like it’s going to float off his body
Her hand lands on his shoulder and he jumps.
“Fuck, Casey,” he says and shrugs out from under her touch. He puts the bed between them.
“You’re freaking me out. Just say it. Whatever it is.”
Maybe he should just keep quiet. Maintain the status quo. He doesn’t want a life without his sister in it even if she drives him insane. Even if he can’t be out. Even if he loses Drew.
“Some things are worth fighting for. And some secrets don’t need to stay secrets. At least not from the ones who love you.”
Marva’s words whisper through his head. She’s right. She is. He knows it, butfuck.
“Connor, for Pete’s sake, what could be so awful that you can’t tell me?”
A chill rushes right over him and he freezes. Right. The moment of truth. Win or lose. “I’m gay.”
Her mouth drops open; she takes a step back and shoves her hands into her armpits. Color creeps up her neck and she looks everywhere but at him. “Connor Vladimirovich Kulyk. I don’t even… How could you not—” She turns away, face raised to the ceiling. “Oh my God, oh my God. This is… How could I not— Of all the—”
His heart sinks. The corners of his eyes burn. Fuck. His breathing bottoms out and his head feels painfully light. He bends over, bracing his hands on his knees. He forces himself to even out his breathing, to deepen it. Shit, shit, shit.
Casey paces, not looking at him, shaking her head, muttering. It’s not quite as bad a reaction as he expected. No disgust. No name-calling. But it still hurts. His chest is tight, as if in a vise, but he can’t deny that the weight he’s been carrying is gone. Maybe someday they can come to terms, but he needs to get out of here. He swipes at the moisture on his face and heads for the door. “Okay, I’ll go.”
She whirls around, her eyes wide, and then she blinks, dislodging her tears. Her face crumples. “Oh, God, Connor, bubba, no…” She vaults the bed and wraps her arms around him. “Oh, honey, I don’t care about you being gay. How could you think that I would ever not love you, no matter what?” She holds him tightly, rubbing her hands up and down his back. “I’m so sorry you thought that for even a moment, Connor. Oh, sweetheart. It was just a surprise, but then not so much, you know?”
He nods. “But all the muttering. I thought you were mad or something. Baba. Baba was so homophobic. I thought you…too…” he says, voice hitching, hugging her back. He buries his face in her neck, a sob escaping. “Casey…” he whispers.
“Baba was born and raised in another time, another place, a whole ‘nother world. We can’t hold her entirely responsible.”
“She was a narrow-minded, prejudiced old—”
“—woman who kept a roof over our heads and food on the table.”
Connor huffs and nods. “Yeah. But you used to go to church with her all the time, and I never heard you say anything against her views. And then you were gone to college when that kid committed suicide, and Baba said all kinds of horrible things about gays, and I didn’t know what she’d say or do if I told her. Or you.” He takes a breath. “So I just…didn’t.”
