Page 21 of Love On Deck
The door swings open and immediately closes, a “go to hell” reaching Connor’s ears in the few seconds it takes the door to snick shut once more.
Yeah, he supposes he deserves that. But he needs to make amends.
Connor knocks again and raises his voice to be heard through the door. “Drew. Please…I’m sorry. Hear me out.”
The longer he waits for Drew to open the door, the lower his stomach sinks. After several minutes, it becomes clear that Drew isn’t going to hear him out. Drew was blindsided by Connor’s reaction, and Connor crossed a line, he knows it. Maybe Drew needs more time to be ready to listen, and that’s fair.
Connor turns and heads back toward the elevator. How’s he going to explain this to Casey without revealing everything? He’s going to have to confess his sexuality to her at some point. He wants to, he really does. He should wait though, right? Make a special trip to Austin next time his schedule allows and tell her everything. But after the wedding, right, so that nothing overshadows her special day?
The wedding.
If Connor can’t get Drew to listen and allow him to make things right, future interactions between them will be awkward at best, disagreeable at worst. The wedding is planned for the day they return from the cruise, day after tomorrow. Connor can’t allow the wedding to be anything but sunshine and roses. He whirls around and jogs back to Drew’s cabin. He knocks hard and rests his head against the door. He knows Drew knows it’s him again. “Please,” he says loudly into the crack. “Please will you listen to me? If for no other reason than for Casey and Will.”
The silence stretches out, but Connor also knows how much Drew loves Will. Finally, the lock clicks and the door opens. Connor shuffles in. His relief goes up in smoke because the sight of Drew’s unmade bed reminds him of what they shared. The loss of their connection stings, and it’s his fault. But he has to fix things. He actually has to say something right now. Make some sense out of his behavior.
Drew stands with his arms crossed. The anger rolls off him like raindrops off an umbrella in a hard rain, sharp bouncing little pellets. But there’s something else too. Hurt maybe? How can that be? They’ve only known each other a few days. But Connor’s almost positive that’s what it is. Well, fuck, yeah, after the trouble Drew went to, to get tickets to the game. Why would he do that if he didn’t like Connor? Again, Connor feels like a piece of shit. “I was an ass. I overreacted. I’m sorry,” he says and waits.
Drew’s eyebrows curve over his brown eyes that seem more taken aback now than hurt, but he stays quiet.
Years in therapy taught Connor to swallow his pride and issue apologies, not necessarily how to make said apologies good. “I don’t want this thing between us to ruin the wedding. Casey’s kissed a lot of frogs and Will’s a fucking prince. It needs to come off without a hitch. So…this is me apologizing for freaking the fuck out on you.”
Drew nods. “I appreciate that you want Will and Casey’s wedding to be perfect. I do too.”
Connor’s heart burbles as if it’s suddenly sitting at the bottom of the Gulf. “But?”
“But… While the wedding is a priority and I want their day to be everything it should be, what you did has nothing to do with the wedding. I can feign good will for the sake of the bride and the groom, but that drivel you just spewed? That’s not an apology I can accept.”
As if he’s been hit in the chest with a baseball, the breath whooshes from Connor’s lungs. He stands there stunned, rubbing his chest. Fuck. “Ouch… Yeah, you’re right. I’m shit at this and you deserve better.”
Drew shrugs. His silence seems to ask,So?
Connor hangs his head and closes his eyes. He’s got to address the wrong he did Drew. He still has no idea what to say, but he’s got to start somewhere. He prays the right words will eventually pass his lips and begins. “Okay, look. Most of my adult life has been spent with this niggling fear that the world at large is going to discover I’m gay.
“Honestly? I don’t have a good excuse for panicking; I just have an explanation. I mean, baseball is all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life. The fact that I’m good enough to get paid to play is amazing.”
Drew’s continued silence is unnerving and uncomfortable, but the set of his shoulders has eased, so Connor keeps talking.
“I’ve never had a reason to risk my career. I’ve never taken this kind of chance. But I did it because…fuck. You’re different. Because you seemed to see something in me that I couldn’t—can’t—see in myself. That meant something to me.
“To assume you’d deliberately out us, out me, well, it was unfair. You gave me no reason not to trust that you’d keep your word.” Connor rocks back and forth in an attempt to dispel some of the unease that’s making his skin itch. Yeah, he wants the wedding to go off without a hitch, but suddenly he wants Drew’s forgiveness just as much. Even though they can only ever be friends, he wants that friendship and not just because of Casey and Will. He can count the number of real friends he has on one hand. So yeah. “It was wrong of me to think you had. Will told me he acted like he knew and that you were just responding in kind. I don’t know you that well, but everything you’ve said and done since we met has been in my best interest. I see that now, and I apologize. I’m really sorry, Drew.”
There’s silence for a moment and Drew nods. “That was really heart-felt and honest. Thank you. That apology accepted.”
Connor’s body deflates as all the tension he’d been holding onto lets go. “I’m glad. Thanks for giving me a chance. I’m gonna go now. I’ll, uh…I’ll see you around?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
* * *
Drew watches his door close and starfishes onto his unmade bed. Connor’s apology had been heart-felt and honest, and Andrew really does accept it. But he’s not feeling happy about the whole thing, and he’s not sure why.
Pushing from the bed, that still smells faintly of sex, he throws on his jogging kit and grabs his wallet. Maybe a run will unwind his body as well as his mind.
The track is deserted and he stretches a little before taking off. There’s enough light to see by, both from the atrium skylight and the safety lights lining the deck railing, and the noise from lower decks is muted. Lights twinkle on the shore in the distance. The world seems far away. The upset that has simmered in his veins eases as he completes his first lap.
Connor’s accusation had been a shock, but once the surprise had worn off and Andrew thought about it, he understood. That understanding had smoothed the rough edges of his hurt, but the initial lash still stung a bit. Connor’s explanation made sense of everything, and Andrew’s anger has dissipated, though the wound remained tender. Now a feeling of being let down fills his chest. He’d harbored happy hopes for him and Connor to connect on a more personal level and long-term basis. Now what?
The rhythmic pounding of his feet against the track lulls Andrew into quietude and his mind floats for a while. He completes a second and then a third lap before his thoughts and feelings coalesce into realization.
