Page 13 of Love On Deck
Connor hesitates for a split second, but he did drop that little bomb in her presence. A low chuckle releases his tension. “Caught that, did you?” If she was savvy enough to figure out his veiled confession, then she deserves the truth.
“I sure did. I’ve been wondering why you’ve never told her. The secret weighs you down. I barely know you, and I can see that. I could see something was bothering you even before you said anything.”
Plus, he and Marva are soul mates and he’s got a nickname. He blows across the milky surface of his coffee and takes a sip. “I was eight and Casey was sixteen when our parents died. Our grandmother raised us. She was born and raised in the Ukraine, and let’s just say she had very strong opinions about homosexuality. Casey clung to Baba when our mother died, and I just…” Connor shrugs, studying the creamer swirling in his coffee. “She’s a lot like Baba.”
“You’re afraid she’ll have adopted your Baba’s views.”
“Pretty much.”
“I can certainly understand how awful that would be. Have you ever broached the subject with her? As a hypothetical or in relation to a friend, to see how she reacts?”
He shakes his head and slurps another mouthful of coffee. “No. She was off at college before I realized I was gay, and then I was away at college and playing ball and hiding my sexuality to do so, so it didn’t really matter one way or the other.”
“But it matters now?”
Connor nods again. “It’s starting to. Like you said, it weighs on me. More and more.” He shrugs. “I’m lonely, you know?” Meeting Andrew less than two days ago has nothing to do with it, but doing so made Connor realize how much he’d like to have a relationship. Giving up baseball would suck, but he could do it. Losing Casey would devastate him, but he’s starting to wonder if living a lie for the rest of his life wouldn’t eat away his soul. He doesn’t want to be alone until he retires. He wants someone to celebrate the wins and mourn the losses with him on a daily basis. But he doesn’t want to lose his sister either.
Ms. Marva comes around and envelops him in a hug from behind, her whisper-soft cheek pressed against his. He closes his eyes and clings to the bony arms crossed over his chest. She smells like lemons and laundry soap, and the warmth and caring emanating from this woman is unexpected and almost presumptuous, but he can’t deny how much he needs it. He relishes the moment and soaks up the kindness pouring off of her.
“Listen, honey, I can’t tell you what’s best for you, but some secrets don’t need to stay secrets. At least not from the ones who truly love you. Now, if you need an ear or another hug, anything at all, you come find me, all right? Cabin 7289, Empress deck.” With a pat to his shoulder, she leaves him alone to finish his meal.
* * *
Andrew spends the morning dozing on a lounge chair with his favorite playlist murmuring in his ears while thoughts of Connor whirl around in his head like a tornado gathering momentum. Their mutual attraction isn’t in question. The push-pull between them continues to be strong. The air between them last night, both at dinner and at the pool, had been charged like the air in the hours before an incoming super cell. Connor’s physical reaction the night before had been evident, although Andrew’s pretty sure Connor thought he was hiding it. What Andrew can’t figure out is why he’d walked away. Andrew is almost one hundred percent certain Connor doesn’t have a significant other. If he had, this cruise would have been the perfect secret getaway. If his sister knowing about them is Connor’s only objection, then, hell, Andrew knows how to keep his trap shut.
Andrew swipes a hand down his face. Christ. He spent one night with the guy. One. Now he’s mooning over him like some love-struck teenager. And why? That’s what’s really got Andrew’s mind in a whirlwind.
Connor had made his feelings perfectly…muddled. His words are completely at odds with the signals his body is sending out. His mouth says “no,” his body says “yes” in big neon letters. BAT signal anyone? Maybe Connor isn’t sure he’s gay. Maybe he’s taking advantage of being so far from home to experiment. Which is perfectly legit.
Andrew dismisses the theory with a shake of his head.
Connor had been confident when he’d approached Andrew in the bar. He’d been self-assured and skilled in the bedroom. There’d been no confusion in him last night at the pool. Connor knows he’s gay. However, Andrew’s previous assessment that Connor has embraced his homosexuality no longer rings one hundred percent true.
Still, Andrew doesn’t need the distraction of pondering a cruise-long affair with someone who says he doesn’t want him. Andrew could easily go back to that bar and find someone else who’d have no qualms about being with him. Hell, he could probably talk Penelope into bed with him.
Andrew checks the time. He’s hot, hungry, and frustrated. Not only with Connor and his mixed signals, but also with himself for caring so much. A juicy burger with all the trimmings and a large cold beer are calling his name, and he makes his way to one of the restaurants. He’s halfway through both when he sees Will, but not his better half. “Where’s Casey?”
Will slides into the seat next to him and says, “She started feeling sick, and by the time we got back to the ship, she had a pretty bad headache. I left her to sleep it off.” He nudges Andrew’s knee with his own. “What about you? I thought you were gonna soak up some rays and enjoy a good book or a good playlist.”
“I spent some time up on the Sky deck, but then…” He glances at his half-eaten burger and the remaining fries and pats his stomach.
A server comes by and Will orders a beer. Andrews asks for another. They sit without talking for a while as conversation from the other patrons surrounds them. The latest headlines scroll along the bottom of a big screen TV next to the bar.
“So what’s up with you and Connor?”
Andrew’s gaze cuts to Will’s. Will’s eyebrow is arched and he’s smirking.
“Nothing’s up with Connor and me.” It’s the truth, much as he’d like it to be otherwise. Connor had turned him down.
“C’mon, I saw whatever passed between you two at breakfast yesterday, as well as last night.”
Well, hell. “What about Casey?” Andrew asks, a lump forming in his throat. “He doesn’t want her to know.”
Will shakes his head. “She’s oblivious. Too focused on the wedding to notice subtleties.”
Andrew lets out a breath. “Good.”
“So there’s something then? Spill.”
