Page 63 of Things We Left Behind
Because I savored their ruin.
“Because she reminds me of a past I’d rather forget,” I said out loud. “She betrayed me when I was vulnerable.”
And today she’d spread her thighs for me, perched on my desk like she belonged there. Like she wanted to be there. Like she wantedmethere.
I shook the images out of my head and replaced them with another older, darker memory.
Sloane looking brokenhearted and brave, her arm in a sling, those emerald eyes glittering with defiant tears.
“What did you do?”I’d shouted at her. What I’d meant but hadn’t said was,“What did he do?”
“Lucian, you’re a smart man,” Emry stated as he peered at me over the rim of his glass.
I already didn’t like where this was going.
“What are you getting at?”
“As a reasonably intelligent man, I’m going to assume that you know you can’t just forget the past or pretend it doesn’t exist. And as you’ve spent significant time in therapy with a brilliant therapist, I’ll remind you that the only way out is through. You can’t just keep putting your emotions in a box with a lid and expecting them to stay there. That’s not what feelings do.”
“Then I’ll remind you that we both know why letting those emotions out of their box is dangerous.”
“You have a lot more control than you give yourself credit for,” he pointed out.
“That control hinges on not letting my emotions get the better of me.”
“There’s a difference between quelling impulses that everyone has and refusing to acknowledge any feeling at all.”
I scoffed. “I have feelings that I acknowledge all the time.”
“For instance?” Emry prompted.
“For instance, I’m hungry and annoyed right now.”
My friend chuckled. “Pepperoni and sausage?”
“Fine.”
“Lucian, I don’t pity you for what you went through as a child any more than I excuse you from doing the hard work of realizing you are a whole, complicated man capable of not only experiencing happiness but sustaining it.”
“Why is everyone so obsessed with happiness? There are other aims a bit more worthy than walking around with an idiotic grin on my face.”
“Let me say this. You’re a grown man who has achievedwild levels of success, which in itself is impressive. But when you factor in your upbringing, it’s downright miraculous. Trust yourself to handle having feelings. Even the uncomfortable ones.”
The man gave me too much credit. He didn’t know what I was capable of. But I did.
I exhaled slowly.
“Out of curiosity, what did she do this time that aggravated you?” Emry asked, his eyes dancing behind his half-moon spectacles.
“She got fingerprints on my desk,” I said testily.
Our bickering had always turned me on. It was a weakness that made me feel pathetic. But today she’d taunted me on my own turf, and my cock had risen to the occasion so swiftly I’d gone light-headed.
I’d wanted her. I’d craved her. And I would have had her right there on that desk.
Maybe that was the answer. Maybe this torturous tension between us would finally vanish if we gave in, just once.
Emry chuckled. “Sooner or later, my friend, you’ll learn that embracing the messiness of life is where you find its greatest treasures.”
