Page 22 of Things We Left Behind
“I’d like to point out thatyoumet your fiancé by arriving in town and kissing his brother.” I turned to Naomi and Stef. “Andyoutwo met your respective men by walking into a coffee shop and a barber shop.”
Stef tipped his glass at me. “Then you can start walking into every establishment and kissing every human with a penis in a fifty-mile radius,oryou can download an app and build a kick-ass dating profile.”
I groaned.
“Is there anyone in town you’d consider dating?” Naomi asked, pen poised over paper.
“Where did you get that notebook?” I asked.
“She carries it in a thigh holster,” Stef quipped.
I scraped my hands over my face. “I can’t even think of a single man in this town that I’d be willing to sleep with. Anyone close to my age, I’ve known since kindergarten. No offense, Jeremiah.”
He winked. “I get it. It’s hard to be attracted to a guy once you’ve seen him pick his nose and wipe it on his construction paper Thanksgiving turkey.”
“What about Suit Daddy?” Stef asked.
I opened my fingers over my eyes to glare at him. “Not in this lifetime.”
“Give me three good reasons why,” he challenged.
I dropped my hands. “He’s unbelievably rude. He’s selfish. He’s so stubborn and controlling that everything has to be done his way or he loses his damn mind. He’s got the whole rich and powerful thing going, which means he’s absolutely corrupt. He’s involved in politics. And not in the ‘I want to make a difference in the world’ way. But in the ‘I want other rich, powerful jackasses to owe me favors’ way. He can’t connect with other human beings because he’s a soulless robot out to make the biggest pile of money for himself so he can hoard it all like some kind of goblin king.”
My audience was blinking at me.
“Anything else?” Lina asked, trying her best to hide her amusement.
“Yeah. That stupid coat is worth more than my Jeep,” I said, pointing at the coat closet. “I googled it.”
There was another long stretch of silence. “So we’ll put Lucian in the no column then,” Naomi said before writing something down in her notebook.
“Fine. I’ll download a dating app,” I acquiesced.
“That’s my girl. I’ll be your ‘swipe right’ expert,” Stef volunteered.
“I’ll be your ‘swipe right’ straight consultant,” Lina said, hefting her margarita glass in my direction.
“I don’t want to make any assumptions. Is Mr. Right definitely a Mr.?” Stef asked me.
“As much as I would have zero qualms making out with Alicia Keys after she serenades me with a ballad, I can’t live without the dick.”
“Man with penis,” Naomi said out loud as she made another note. “What else are you looking for in a man?”
“Um, I guess he should be funny and kind and generous. And it would be nice if he was into gardening to help me keep up with the backyard. Obviously he should like kids…and books.” The cat pranced into the room. I patted the arm of my chair. Meow Meow shot me a look of derision and flounced out as if I’d insulted her. “And bad-tempered cats,” I added.
“Anything else?” Lina asked.
“Good in bed.Reallygood in bed,” I amended. “Oh, and I’m kind of into reading glasses.”
Stef sighed approvingly. “Hot nerds are so hot.”
“You’ll have beautiful little nerd babies,” Naomi predicted, hugging her notebook to her chest.
“I need more pizza.”
“I need another margarita,” Stef said.
“I’ll make a fresh batch and bring the pizza out here,” Jeremiah volunteered.
