Page 2 of Free to Love You
When I wrote in my secret prayer journal, I asked God if I was a sinner because I wanted to experience more in my life. In my heart, I believed that He answered that prayer in many ways to tell me no. He allowed me to meet Beyuna who changed my life in the simplest way. Through the tablet that she gave me, I’ve been able to read and connect to my culture on a level that I never had before. I’ve even watched a couple black churches online. The way they illustrated God’s love for His children was so different from what I learned at church on Sundays. When I asked my parents questions, they acted like I committed a sin by just asking them.
My days were filled with monotony. I woke up, prayed, had devotion with my parents, and cooked breakfast with my mother. After that we got on the road to Philadelphia with the community van. We worked from the opening of the market to closing, then back home we went. After we cleaned ourselves up, it was time to cook and have dinner. The house was down by nine because on the days we went to the market, our day started at four in the morning. That was my life every day except Sunday when it was our day of rest and church.
“What are you doing, Lovina?” I was so into my own world that I didn’t hear my room door open. Jacob stood in my doorway with tight eyes, furrowed brows, and a tensed jaw. “What is that in your hand?”
My eyes shot to the battery-operated alarm clock on my nightstand. It was almost one in the morning. “Jacob, why are you lurking around at this time of morning? Shouldn’t you be in bed with your wife?”
His steps into my bedroom prompted me to stand. “I am not lurking around. Father was concerned because you have beenacting out of sorts. He asked me to keep a close eye on you and that is what I am doing. Again, what is that in your hands?”
I was caught red handed. It made no sense to lie at this point. “This, Jacob, is a tablet. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen one, but it’s a wonderful device that I read on.”
“Where did you get that from? You are not supposed to have that, Lovina,” he said with a stern tone. “You know better.”
When I closed my eyes for a moment, he snatched my tablet from my hand. I reached out for it. “Give that back. It doesn’t belong to you, thief.”
His eyes widened just as my father walked into the room.Great!“What is going on in here?” he asked.
My brother’s face still wore shock. I had never been this defiant, but by golly, I was thirty years old! The odds were already against me because I wasn’t wed yet. I wouldn’t say that I didn’t want to get married, but I knew that I didn’t want to get married to anyone in this community. They looked at me like I was less than, and I looked at them the same way. No matter how I was treated, God instilled in me a strength in understanding who I was.
Jacob handed the tablet to my father. “When I walked in, she was on this thing. She won’t tell me where she got it from.”
My father took it, looked at it, then looked at me. His reddened face told me that he was not pleased in the least. “Lovina, what is the meaning of this? You know that things like this are forbidden.”
“Father, I know, but I can’t seem to understand why. I have studied the word, and I don’t see why. I’ve prayed about it, and God has not told me that it is,” I stressed. This was completely out of my character. The fact that I didn’t seem at all apologetic about my actions was a blasphemous thing. I knew what came next.
My father said nothing. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or disappointed. The worst part about it was that I wasn’t sure if I cared either way. I was changing as time went on. Most would say that I was evolving. In this community, it looked like I was becoming worldly.
“Lovina, we will not discuss this now. It is late and we have church in the morning. Next week, you will not work at the bakery. You will take care of the house as your mother sees fit,” he instructed.
With a final look, he walked out with my tablet in tow. My brother took another minute to gawk at me before he left my room and closed the door. I plopped down in my rocking chair. I guess I could be thankful that they didn’t find my cell phone. Tomorrow would start my shunning.
This wouldn’t be the first time that I had been shunned. A person was shunned when they did something that was against the Ordnung. If you repented, then you were all good, but if not, you were basically iced out until you did. I learned that term on TikTok. Going against the Ordnung, which was like a manual on how the Amish community should live, was like going against the faith altogether. The point of the shunning was to hopefully bring the person back to the faith and understanding of humility.
As quiet as it was kept, I didn’t mind being shunned. It gave me peace that I didn’t have in my normal, daily life. No one talked to me, I didn’t work, and I ate alone. The last time I was shunned two years ago, I allowed it to last a month. It was probably during that time that things shifted. I had time to truly lean into my relationship with God for myself, not for what was expected of me or under the belief of others.
More than likely tomorrow, I would be called into the pastor’s office to receive a stern talking to. If I didn’t repent, that would be the official start of my shunning. There was onlyone thing that I really had to say about that. “Let the shunning begin.”
A Short Time Later . . .
I had the community in a disarray. It had been over a month since I had been shunned and not repented. My days were filled with silence and sometimes peace. Silence was a tricky thing because it could be loud at times. It could give you peace or it could make you feel more isolated than normal. During the days when my family was at the market, I hurriedly did all the chores my mother gave me so that I could read on my phone.
Now that I didn’t go to the market, I had to find a way to charge my phone. My family had a workshop at the back of our land. It ran off solar panels because of the equipment needed for the work that was done. With that, it had outlets. As soon as my family left, I rushed out there to charge my phone for the day. Once it was charged, I turned it off until I needed to use it.
The light from the candle flickered on my dresser. Tonight, I kept it safe and chose to read my bible. Between my mother, father, and brothers, they took it upon themselves to pop into my room whenever the spirit moved them to. I had noticed a pattern to when they did it. It was almost as if they had a schedule set. If I was right, my mother would be popping in at any moment now.
Not even ten minutes later, there was a light knock on my door. She stuck her head in the door before she walked fully in. “Hey, Lovina, how are you?”
“I’m fine, reading my bible. How are you?” I didn’t expect this conversation to be a long one since she technically should not have been talking to me anyway.
When she closed the door behind her, then sat on my bed, I closed the bible. I guess this conversation would be longer than I anticipated.
“Lovina, you know we love you.” She didn’t continue until I gave her confirmation. “If you know that, then why have you not repented? Do you know how not only you are perceived, but us as well? Your father and I raised you well, but the community doesn’t see it like that because of your rebellious ways.”
Her words saddened me. “Mother, that is never my intention. I know that you all want me to repent, but it is my choice to do so. I will not repent unless God tells me that I must. He has yet to tell me that, so I will not repent.”
I thought my mother’s eyes would pop out of their sockets. My words were bold, and I knew it. My unapologetic attitude was absolute.
“Lovina, I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I think it’s time that you get it out. I often wonder why you have not found a husband yet, and I think I may have found the answer. You are such a beautiful girl, but you will never find a husband with an attitude like that,” she rebuked.
