Page 9 of Free to Love You
She giggled before she responded. “It’s been interesting. My church back home is nothing like the one that your mother goes to. It’s a lot different and more, um, I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s just a lot more, but not in a bad way.”
“Daddy, Lovina said that dey don’t play drums, piano, and stuff in their church. It just be them humming.” When my mother reprimanded her for how she addressed Lovina, she tightened up. “I mean, Miss Lovina.”
My mother didn’t play about children not addressing adults correctly. From time to time, my mother was known to say,I’m not ya lil friend. Talk to me right.
I peeked at Lovina. “Oh, then I can understand your different and more statement. It can take some getting used to, especially the shouting and speaking in tongues.”
She smiled before she adjusted her body in my direction. “Yes, that was a little crazy, I’ll admit. I thought everyone was going crazy. When I got back to my apartment, I pulled my bible out because I needed to understand. Ms. Beauvia and Istudied verses in 1st Corinthians, Acts, and Mark. It was like all my years of reading the bible, those verses were skipped over or something.”
“Do the Amish believe like in the Holy Spirit and stuff?” I asked her. This was an interesting conversation.
When I was younger, my mother had my ass in church every Sunday until I was like sixteen. After a certain time, she told me that it was my decision if I wanted to open my heart to God and she wouldn’t force it on me. She felt that forcing God on a person was the easiest way to have them turn from God.
Lovina paused for a second. “Well, yes, but not in the way that other denominations do. The Holy Spirit lives in us. It guides our humility, forgiveness, and those kinds of things. Our modesty tells us not to have an outward show though. Does that make sense?”
I told her that it did as we pulled into the parking lot of the craft store. I opened the door for each of the ladies. Lovina went to the pickup counter in the store. The man behind the counter told her to hold on for a moment before he walked to the back. When he came out with a cart of shit, I looked at Lovina and my mama sideways. “I guess it is a good thing that I came.”
I pushed the cart outside and loaded the truck, then we headed back to the house. Lovina tried to help me, but I told her to sit her ass down somewhere. I asked my mama what she was going to do with the furniture in the room. I was a little shocked when she told me that she was going to give it away. To me that sounded like she planned for Lovina to stay for a long time.
“Ayo!” Beyon’s voice came through the front door of Lovina’s apartment before he did. “I’m ready to move furniture around this ho.”
Oh, my mama had this shit all planned out. I’d just take a shower, eat, and sleep here after we moved everything in the garage. A battered women’s shelter would pick it up tomorrow.It took an hour to move the furniture. Beyon didn’t come back up to the apartment because he had something to do and Ayriss was asleep on the couch. I would let her sleep because I knew she would wake up hungry.
“Let me go downstair ta warm dis food up so we can eat. I’ll call y’all when e ready,” my mother said. She walked toward the door.
Lovina jumped up from her seat. “No! Please don’t leave us alone.”
A time was hadas I heard girls that came in the bakery say. Every day I learned something new about the world that I lived in. Some were great and some were not so good, but that came with the course. When I was within the Amish community it was the same thing. I couldn’t expect it to be different here.
I loved going to church with Ms. Beauvia more than I would admit right now. The music was like nothing I had ever heard. People rejoiced and worshipped outwardly with their voices and tears. Some of them shouted, which was startling at first. When I first went, I thought that there would be a lot of judgment because of my faith. The fear of feeling unwelcomed was overwhelming.
The fear I had was quashed the second I stepped foot into the church. Everyone made me feel so welcomed. After service, one of the ladies asked me how I liked it. She even told me about a class that they had for people who were new to the faith. She said it was an interactive class where I could ask the questions I needed to. Since then, I had been contemplating taking the class.
This morning when she suggested that I not wear my bonnet, I almost threw up at the mere thought of it. Not wearing my bonnet or attire had never crossed my mind. Even when I made the decision to leave, it never crossed my mind that I would stop wearing what I’d been accustomed to wearing all my life.
Earlier This Morning . . .
“Baby, have you ever worn your hair out? Ms. Beauvia asked from where she sat on my couch.
We had church in a few hours. On Sundays, I always cooked breakfast for us. Ayriss was coming to church with us. Her mother would drop her off soon.
“No, I haven’t. Well, I do when I wash my hair, and sometimes I leave it out at night when I am in my room alone. To let it breathe, you know?” I didn’t like the way she looked at me after I replied to her question.
Her head was tilted to the side while her eyes bore into me. I turned to finish my task of cleaning the kitchen. When I faced the sink to wash the dishes, I noticed that she was still looking at me. There was an island that separated the kitchen from the rest of the front room.
“Would you consider wearing your hair out today?” She held her hands up. “Only the bonnet, Lovina. Hear me out. You moved here to change your life. To do that you can’t continue to do the same things. I promise people will not think that you are evil, ungodly, or seeking attention. There’s a difference between seeking attention and drawing attention, baby.”
I heard what she said, and it made sense. My heart knew that, but my mind screamed don’t do it. “I don’t know, Ms. Beauvia.”
“How about this, we do your hair, and you still bring your bonnet. When we get to church, if you don’t feel comfortable, then you can put it on in the car before we go inside,” she suggested. “How is that for a compromise?”
The water ran over the dishes. I just stood there with my mind fogged with what to do. She had a point. If I wanted to change my life and how I lived, I would have to change things about my life.It’s just hair, right?Everyone else wore their hair out and they were respected.“I don’t know. There is no one here to tell me that I can’t.”
Her head bucked back. “Lovina, I understand that you have a way that you lived your life, but God does give you free will.” She put her index finger up. “Let me ask you this and be honest. Has God ever told you that you had to cover your head and wear what you’re wearing?”
I didn’t want to answer the question because it made me feel foolish when I really thought about it. I turned off the running water. “No, He never has. I know we have free will, but some of the decisions that we make from our free will can send us to hell.”
“So, do you think that wearing your hair out will truly send you to hell, baby? You’ve been to church with me. Do you think those people will go to hell?” she questioned.
