Page 19 of No Apologies
It was a gift. She knew that. Because when he was open and happy, it was like being in the presence of a bright, shining star. He could be fun, playful and even easygoing.
But when he had a bad day, when the darkness of his past overwhelmed him and he lashed out with his sharp tongue and brutal fists, he was destruction personified and it hurt. It hurt to be close to him and then have him push her away. It hurt to know that he was keeping her at arm’s length. It hurt to see him hurting and know she could do nothing to help him, because he wouldn’t let her.
So she wasn’t surprised that he had run for the hills while she was passed out. He’d let her see his worry for her last night. His soft, sensitive side that he tried so hard to hide, had been right there at the surface. And she remembered their talk about him not apologizing for being an asshole, knew she would probably never get that apology, but just talking about it had helped clear the air.
He wouldn’t apologize because he saw it as a weakness. Not a strength. And until that changed, there was nothing she could do to get through to him.
Skylar sighed and pulled herself out of bed. It was probably for the best. What would she have said if she’d woken up in his arms this morning? What would she have done? Nothing good for either of them that was for sure.
She’d spent a good portion of her sick day dreaming about her friend but she was giving herself a pass on that worst person ever award just this once. She’d been delusional and could blame the fever. She felt a little bit better today, at least enough to identify that guilty feeling churning in her stomach as she made her way to the shower.
It was back to the real world today. Back to work. Back to her boyfriend.
She groaned and silently cursed herself as she stepped under the hot spray of water. She should have ended her relationship with the hunky rig hand months ago. She knew that and she suspected Trey did too.
Things between them weren’t bad, it had never been bad. They got along well enough and never fought about anything. But there had been a rod of tension over their interactions lately and it stemmed from her wayward thoughts about another man that she couldn’t seem to control.
For too long now, she’d told herself she wasn’t leading Trey on. They’d never had the talk about where things were going or even about how serious they were, or weren’t as the case may be. She didn’t think she was going to break his heart when she told him it wasn’t working, but still she’d hesitated.
He was everything she should want in a guy. Open, honest, kind, easy. And as long as she was with him she didn’t have to admit that what she really wanted was dark and stormy and sometimes treated her badly. Because what self-respecting woman fell for a man that cursed at her and pushed her away every single time she got close to him?
No, she shouldn’t like Colt. She shouldn’t want him but she did. Because he didn’t treat her with kid gloves like so many other people in her life. He didn’t dance around her feelings or soften his blows. He let all of his rough edges scratch her and she loved him for that even if she shouldn’t.
She wasn’t in love with Trey and staying in a relationship with him just because it was easy didn’t sit right with her after last night. For weeks, maybe even months, she’d told herself that Colt didn’t want her the same way she wanted him. But after last night, her heart refused to buy the lie her brain needed to accept that anymore.
He might not want to want her, but he did and that was a start. It gave her hope. It gave her a reason to go after what she wanted and that meant letting go of what she didn’t.
She’d already planned to break things with Trey off but last night had reconfirmed that decision for her.
After standing in the shower far too long analyzing her night with Colt, Skylar finally pulled herself together and went to her bedroom. She had to get a move on or she’d be late for her first appointment at ten. Her assistant would open for her but after missing the day before she had no idea what she would be walking into, so she forced herself to stop daydreaming and get dressed.
By the time she’d blow-dried, straightened her hair and put on makeup, she looked more like herself but she was exhausted. She preferred to dress up for her job, liked looking good, and really liked her stilettos, but it took every ounce of energy she had to get dressed today. She pulled on her favorite pair of skin-tight blue jeans, a loose fitting halter top and the sexy, red stilettos that Jemma had given her as a gift for letting her move in and gave herself one last glance in the mirror.
She had dark circles under her eyes. Her face was a little pale. But she felt better than she had in twenty-four hours so she grabbed her keys and her purse and headed for the door.
Belatedly, she remembered she’d never responded to Jemma and typed out a quick message letting her friend know that she was alive and feeling a little bit better. It wasn’t much but it might keep Jemma from calling another dozen times while she was at work. She added that she was headed to the salon and would call later in the day before tucking the phone into her pocket.
She was halfway to the door when she heard the knock and couldn’t control the way her heart leapt in her chest. Maybe Colt had come back to check on her before heading to work himself. She rushed to the door and pulled it open only to feel her smile fall.
“Mom. Hey.” She recovered quickly and tried not to let her disappointment show, “What are you doing here?”
The woman standing in her doorway looked so out of place in the ragged, old apartment complex it was hilarious. Her mother looked out of place anywhere that didn’t have parking attendants. In her pristine white summer pants, bright pink tailored blouse and wedge heels, she looked like the rich, entitled country club socialite she’d been born to be. Only the wild look in her blue eyes and the slight disarray the wind had made in her sharp blonde bob hinted that she wasn’t as put together as she seemed.
“What am I doing here?” Melanie Holland raised two perfectly sculpted eyebrows, “That’s how you greet your mother, the woman that gave birth to you and has cared for you all of your life?”
“Ah…” Skylar let the door fall open, knowing she wasn’t leaving anytime soon, “I guess you heard I was sick yesterday.”
“Of course I heard! The question is why didn’t I hear it from you? How could you not call? You know you’re supposed to call when you get sick!”
She sighed and moved out of the doorway when her mother stormed inside, “It wasn’t a big deal, Mom.”
“Of course it’s a big deal! It’s always a big deal! You know your heart is weak and being ill takes its toll on your entire system.”
Skylar bit her lip to keep from raising her voice. She hated that line of this age old argument. Her heart wasn’t weak damn it! Yes, she had been sick when she was a child but the doctor’s had fixed it. The surgeons had fixed her. Other than the scar that would forever mark her chest, there were no lingering effects from her heart condition.
It wasn’t going to come back. She knew that. Her parents knew that. Yes, there were things that could make her heart palpitate. Undo stress wasn’t good for it and having this conversation for the billionth time was definitely that.
And, okay, the doctors had told her that being sick might put strain on her heart as well but she hadn’t really been sick since she got out of the hospital over a decade ago. She was careful. She didn’t go outside with wet hair. She didn’t make unnecessary trips to the hospital or surround herself with sick people. She’d eaten some bad seafood. Her heart had never been in any real danger and neither had she.
