Page 73 of A Me and Him Thing
“Please take me home,” I repeat, cutting him off. This is impossible. We are impossible. I can’t live this way.
We’re both lost in our own thoughts as we travel back to Portland.
When we’re in front of my townhome, I turn to face him. “This is no way to live, Ren. You’re torturing yourself. Do you really think Allie would want you to live this way? To put yourself on hold?”
He thinks it over for several moments, the silence in the car thick. He looks me directly in the eyes.
“I won’t leave her, Bree. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t do it.”
“Even if it means living your life alone?”
“Yes,” he says with a firm nod. “I’m sorry.”
I wanted a faithful man. I found one. Too bad his faithfulness is not directed toward me.
The anger that was bubbling inside me fizzes out and dies. It seeps out of my body, leaving me limp and weak. I allow it to leave because I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.
So that’s it then.
“I respect your decision. I really do. You’re a good man. The best. But this is goodbye,” I whisper softly.
“This doesn’t have to be goodbye. We can still…”
“No, we can’t.”
I exit the warmth of the car, a place where I’m surrounded by Ren’s strength, and enter the cold, cold world.
Alone again.
Chapter Twenty
SITTING ON Abench staring blankly at the golden and rust display of fall flowers should help to heal my heart.
It doesn’t.
The beauty takes my breath away. Yet all I can do is wonder why I can’t find this type of beauty in my life.
I needed a break. I took a week off work and drove up the coast to Vancouver. I took a ride on the Tsawwassen Ferry to Vancouver Island, then made my way to Butchart Gardens.
I’d heard it was amazing. Fifty-four acres of the most stunning gardens in the world. Meandering pathways lead you to incredible view after incredible view. It took me four hours to get through it on my first visit. I paused often to appreciate the sights my eyes were beholding.
Today’s my third visit. It’s someplace I’ve always wanted to go. The beauty is supposed to soothe my soul, grant me peace.
The magnificence brings me to tears. But it doesn’t change my life.
I still have a perfect man who loves me, yet he will always be beyond my reach. No matter how long I hold out my arms to him, he will never be within my grasp. His full lips will talk to me but never touch mine. His eyes will look upon me, yet always be guarded. We can love from afar, yet never close the distance.
It's a cruel twist of fate.
I release a defeated breath. I’m bundled up against the chillier weather. Hat, gloves, scarf, coat. All the usual things that guard my body from the cold.
Why didn’t I guard my heart? How do I guard my heart? Hat, gloves, scarf, and a coat won’t work. Is there some sort of off button I can push? Turn myself off. Don’t feel. Don’t think. Just be. Like some sort of robot that does her job, going through the motions of being alive, but never actually feeling alive.
Is that the only way to find happiness? Except that’s not happiness. That’s just surviving.
I arise from my bench, the one with a view to die for. It’s time to move on. Time to make my way through the exquisite garden, surrounded by lush beauty.
It’s the same thing I’ll do with my life. Pick myself up and move on, surrounded by people who have found beauty in life.
