Page 66 of A Me and You Thing
TÍA AND TÍOhave gone intola ciudadtoday, something they do at least once a month. I’m on my own for the afternoon. Breakfast is the only meal I have to prepare on these days. Other than that, thecocinais closed.
It’s like a holiday. I pause. Why does the thought of a holiday cause pain inside me?No sé, I only know that it does.
As I work in the fenced garden, I realize there’s no one around to see me. I break the rules, remove my scarf, and letmipeloblow in the wind. It feelsmuy bien.
TíaandTíoworry too much about my safety. But I amsano y salvofrom the outside world in the inner sanctum of theircasaand fenced yard. Safe and sound.
The weeds are fierce as they try to take over my garden. I pull and pull and pull. I lose track oftiempoand only realize I’ve been at it formuchas horasbecause my arms ache and tingle from the exertion. But the garden is weed free and I amcontenta.TíaandTíowill becontentostoo. The harvest will bebueno.
I go inside and notice thetiempo. My eyebrows furrow. No. That can’t be right. How did fourhorasslip by without notice? Where was I? I get lost in my work and hardly notice the passing oftiempo.Tíaoften has to remind me what to do next or I forget. Without her, I’m behind. I must catch up before they return. I don’t like it when they’re upset with me. I worry they’ll make me leave theircasa—and I have no place to go.
Tíacalls mesoñadora,a daydreamer.She says I must be daydreaming about something really, reallybuenoto become so lost in my thoughts all the time.
I smile and laugh because I rather like the nickname. I like the idea of being a daydreamer. It sounds fun and fanciful in a world where I have notiempofor such things.
But... the truth is, I have no thoughts. No dreams.Nada. What was I thinking about while I pulled weeds all afternoon?
I can’t remember, andmicabezahurts when I try to pull out memories. I’ve learned to disappear deep inside myself in order to get throughmidía. I don’t know where I go, but I vanish and fade. I amnada. Just a workhorse, a robot going through the motions of life. I am nowhere, no one.
Mi cabezastarts to pound, so I quickly work my way throughla casa, dusting, sweeping, and wiping.
When I am done, I sit outside on the front porch rocker. Dusk is almost upon me; darkness will be my cloak. I will be safe, no one will see me. I’ll just restmisojosfor a few minutes in the freshnocheair and let the chill soothe my headache.
I am awakened roughly as someone shakes my shoulder. For several moments, I can’t remember where I am. I am soon reminded asTíopulls me to my feet and jerks at my arm, taking me indoors.
I was outside without my scarf. Anyone could have seen me, he says angrily. I ammuy bonita,hombreslike me, and he just wants me to be safe. Aseñoritahome alone is not safe in Nicaragua. How could I have been so reckless?
“Como pudiste hacer esto?” he keeps saying over and over.How could I do this?He takes me to my room and slams thepuerta.
I stand in my room, feeling stunned and disoriented.
I fall onto my bed and cry myself to sleep.Soñadorahas no dreams, just an inky blackness that overwhelms me and eats me alive. I am barren, vacant.
Hollow.
Maybe I will melt and evaporateenla noche—and no one will notice.
Even me.
Chapter Twenty-three
Niña
“NIÑA? WAKE UP. Much work to do.”
I’m startled asTíaawakens me from a deep sleep.Mis ojoswander the room as I take in my surroundings. It takes me a few minutes to realize where I am.
Mi casa. In my bed.
It’s midafternoon. I only laid down for a quicksiesta.Micabezahad been pounding with pain. I needed a break.
Now that I’m awake I don’t feelbueno. I feel as though I fell into a black hole—dark, cold and musty. I think I spent my entiresiestatrying to escape, but something loomed over me, holding me in its clutches and it was no use trying to break free. I was trapped.
I didn’t mean to sleep for so long or let it hold me captive.
It just happens.A menudo. All the time. Even now that I’m awake, I’m still stuck in that black hole, feeling as though I’m scraping my fingernails against the walls as I try to escape. The black hole has taken over. It surrounds me. I feel so lost and confused.
My desire to sleep makesTía furiosa. I have a hard time concentrating, and I know it frustrates her. She loses patience with me, even though I try to please her.
