Page 44 of A Me and You Thing
I always admired my best friend’s life. Now I’m living it, sans perfect romance. I get to walk in her footsteps and feel what it’s like to be her. And I love it. It’s everything I imagined it would be—everything I’ve always wanted.
Except she’s not here, and without her the magic is gone. The formula is all wrong, the key ingredient missing. Every day feels like we’re somehow missing the mark, no matter how hard we try. Like we’re making homemade chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips. Or we substituted with raisins.
I’m the raisin. Given a choice, no one ever chooses raisins.
I miss her every second. Living here in her home, I feel her around me, as if she’s following me, watching everything I do and say. I feel like she’s pleased with me as I take care of her girls. She may be gone, but she lives on in this home and in the occupants’ hearts. In that respect, she will never die. I’m not sure what she’d think about the tiny seeds of love sprouting in my heart for her husband. It’s only now that she’s gone that I even allow myself to consider the prospect. I know she knows that. She knows I would never betray her.
I get up from the floor, stretch, and move to my desk. Maybe the uncomfortable wooden chair will help me concentrate.
Sawyer can’t concentrate either. His eyes always have a faraway look in them, as if he isn’t really present. He looks right through me. I sometimes glance in the mirror just to make sure I’m not invisible. When I speak to him, he almost always responds with, “Huh?” I have to repeat everything twice. It’s kind of like living with a ghost of a man. He’s not who he once was. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though. He’s figuring out who he is without Quinn. I guess I am too. We’re reinventing ourselves and adjusting to a new way of life.
Still, I think of Sawyer as an automaton. He’s a poor imitation of the real thing. There’s no life in him, no joy. He’s simply enduring because he has no other choice.
After the girls are down for the night, he closes himself in his office and, unless he has an early morning charter scheduled, he doesn’t go to bed until much too late because he can’t sleep.
When I hear him moving about, I can’t sleep either. I’ve tried to bring function into a dysfunctional situation and I’ve succeeded. I’m attached to Josie and Jordyn. They’re attached to me too. I see happiness in their faces when they see me in the morning and it fills my heart to overflowing. Seriously, they’ve healed a hole in my heart. I love those girls more than I ever thought I had the capacity to love other humans. It’s all consuming, all encompassing, the purest form of love.
A sudden knock on my door makes me jump. I drop the book I was holding with the pretense of reading. “Yes?” As if I don’t know who’s knocking.
“Bree?” Sawyer says, a question in his tone.
Yep, it’s me in here. There’s no one else trapped in this small room. Surprise, surprise. I open the door, holding my book with a finger marking my pretend place.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” His eyes glance down at my book. “Oh, uh, sorry, I’m disturbing you during your down time. I’ll let you read.” He turns to go.
No, don’t leave.Say something, Breanna.“It’s not a very good book. To be honest, I’m bored out of my mind.”
He faces me again and our eyes meet. I see a slight glimmer I haven’t seen before. I think it’s a tiny spark of life. Maybe he’s still in there somewhere. Welcome back to the land of the living, Sawyer Denali. He hasn’t quite arrived yet, but he’s traveling in the general direction.
“In that case, I was just wondering if maybe you’d like to... uh, join us downstairs? I found another video and the girls are singing along.” He runs one hand through his hair as if he’s thinking,what am I doing?“It’s pretty cute. Thought you might like to see it.” He looks down at the floor and lets out his breath. “I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s fine, just thought I’d... uh...”
He’s asking me to join them for the first time in five months. This is huge. My heart does a little leap in my chest.
“I’d love to join you. Thank you.”
Our eyes meet again. “Oh, okay. Great. Let’s go.”
Yes, let’s go. I’ll follow. Wherever you lead. Because if anything is to happen between us, he must be the leader.
As we walk down the stairs, I smile to myself. I think we just crossed a major hurdle and broke some very thick ice. Or maybe just put a tiny little crack in it. I’m okay with that.
It’s a beginning. Maybe it’s the beginning ofmylove story. Maybe. It will be different and probably not what I expect.
But it will be mine. All mine.
Chapter Fourteen
Bree
I PLACE JOSIE and Jordyn in the double jogging stroller and ensure they’re fastened in properly. Their chubby little fists each grip their favorite toy of choice to help keep them happy during our outing.
“Go fast!” Josie squeals and I laugh.
“Faster and faster!” Jordyn chimes in.
They’re nineteen months old now. I’ve been caring for them for nine months. The one-year mark is swiftly approaching. I already know I don’t want to leave them to go back to work. It would kill me to part with them. But I’ll worry about that when the time comes. It’s not really my decision to make. It’s all up to Sawyer.
