Page 108 of A Me and You Thing
“I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have a patient here by that name.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve been at this desk for the last four hours. No one by that name has checked in.”
“Okay. Thank you.” The hospital doors swoosh open as I leave. The bright sun makes it hard to see the screen on my phone, and I shade it with my hand. I call again for an Uber and while I wait, I google urgent care facilities in Newport, Oregon.
There are four. They’re popping up everywhere, it seems. My next driver takes me to all four urgent care centers.
I don’t find Jordyn at any of them. And Sawyer still isn’t answering his phone.
That’s when I ask the driver to take me home.
Feeling numb, I wander into the house and walk from room to room as though I’m looking for a place I belong.
The answer is nowhere. I think I’m beginning to understand the saying:you can never go home. My hands shake as I collapse to my knees in our bedroom. My return has created such a mess, uprooting everyone’s lives, causing turmoil where there was happiness and peace. Maybe I shouldn’t have returned. Maybe it would’ve been the kinder thing to do. I could’ve watched my family from afar, never letting on I was home.
No. I had to try. I had to see if my life was still available to me. Hiding out would’ve been the coward’s way out.
I approach the small table in our bedroom and open the drawer. There’s still no note inside. I wish there was. I desperately need reassurance from Sawyer. I grab a paper and pen from Sawyer’s office and sit at his desk. Before I begin to write, I gently place the framed picture of Bree and Sawyer face down.
Dear Sawyer,
I think it’s best if I leave for a few days. You have unfinished business and I’m in the way.
Please know, I’m not leaving you and I’m not leaving our daughters. I will be back. That is, if you still want me.
Take this time without me to figure out what you want in life. No pressure. No guilt. No obligation. I can see your indecision and I understand. I really do. Above all, I want you to be happy, even if that means we go our separate ways. You’re free to choose.
I love you and I always will,
Quinn
I read it over several times, hoping it doesn’t sound toopoor me. I decide it does, but that’s accurate. I’m hurting, he’s hurting, and Bree’s hurting. There’s no way around it.
The thing is, as long as Bree is here, I can’t be here. Three is a huge, huge, huge crowd.
I fold the paper and place it in the drawer, our secret mailbox.
I remove the white sundress because I’m alive, and I’m not an angel and I never have been. I pull on skinny jeans, a perfect fitting heather-gray v-neck t-shirt, and strappy sandals. Simple and casual. I grab my small rolling suitcase and fill it with my brand new, never been worn clothing. I again grab my new purse replete with money and credit cards. I need a light jacket for chilly mornings, but I don’t have one. I decide to borrow one of Sawyer’s. When I enter his closet, I’m overwhelmed by his scent that I love so much. It makes my yearning for him all that much stronger.
I grab his jacket and hug it to myself. As I exit, I notice a small piece of paper hanging on the wall, pinned up with a thumbtack. I move closer and stare at it with misty eyes. It’s the note I left him before I left on my ill-fated trip.
She loves you.
Yes, she does.
He’s saved it all this time. It makes me want to wrap him in my arms and hug him until all the pain is forced to leave his body. If only I had that power.
Okay, enough pining. I need to get out of here.
My fingers run over my car keys once again, but I err on the side of caution and stick with Uber. Then I turn my phone off. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I know exactly where I’m going. I’ll hang out in our boat and give us all a little respite from the major emotions my presence has caused. I’m not even sure Sawyer will object to this plan of mine. I wonder if my absence will cause a collective sigh of relief to be released by all. Who am I kidding? I need this respite too. I can’t stand by and watch my husband mourn over lost love.
I’ll call this evening and check up on Jordyn, let everyone know where I am and that I’m safe. If Jordyn wants me or is asking for me, I’ll come home and stay with her, no matter what Sawyer and Bree are doing. I would love it if Jordyn wanted me. At least I know she’s with the person she wants, the person who has comforted her in my absence. As much as it hurts, Bree has been good to my little girls and they need her right now.
My car arrives, and I get in before I change my mind. When we pull away from the house, I turn in my seat and watch until the white picket fence is out of sight. I thought that fence represented so many things. Love. A promising future. Our American dream.
I was so wrong. It represents goodbye.
