Page 80 of Embrace
“I love you. Always have, always will,” she whispered then blew into her own tissue.
I couldn’t say it back, even though it was the same for me. But I hated that I loved her. I didn’t want to hate her, though. I wanted to feel nothing for her.
“You know about the man who…” She whispered.
Then it occurred to me that my mom didn’t know that Julia was that man’s daughter and my sister. I glanced at the exit, praying that Julia didn’t walk out of the hospital.
“Yes,” I said finally.
“What I went through was hell on earth. But when I looked at you, I didn’t see him. I know he’s in prison for what he did to me and for murdering those people at the ranch and other crimes. He’s where he deserves to be. But that’s not enough, Penina.”
I held up a hand to silence her. “Elizbeth,” I said, choosing to respect the choices she made and refer to her by her new name. “Please stop explaining. You don’t have to. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m a professional woman who’s met all sorts of people in many situations in my lifetime. I’ve studied the brain as well. I know what we’re capable of, how we can adapt, and why sometimes…” I shook my head. I was trying to convince her that I wasn’t going to throw tomatoes at her or hate her forever.
“Listen, when I met Asher Christmas, he was calling himself Jake Sparrow.” I barked a laugh at the irony that my mother and my boyfriend had both chosen to assume new identities. “I’m just saying that I’m not judging you. That’s all. I understand why you did what you did.”
“You were a good child, though. It wasn’t you. It was me. You didn’t deserve me, the way I was then.”
I wanted her to stop talking but also wanted to hear more. “Like I said, you don’t have to explain.”
She closed her eyes and shook her hands as she said, “I want to say this. I have to.” Then she breathed in and out slowly through her nostrils.
I pressed my lips together and nodded, giving her the space and grace to get whatever she wanted off her chest.
“My two children are a lot more work than you were. You were such a good baby and a good little girl.” Her gaze caressed my face. “You did everything I ever asked without question. No back talk. No whining. My husband is fine. I couldn’t expect Prince Charming from a man who doesn’t know or want to know who I really am. I imagine he has his secrets too. But…” She closed her eyes and aimed her face toward the sun.
I held my tongue. My insides wanted to burst into flames.Did she not know why I was such a good little girl?I was fucking scared all the time. I’d had to be good because I knew she wanted to leave me. Every waking moment, I knew. So I had to be obedient so that she wouldn’t go, even though she eventually did what I’d been afraid of.
I stared at her face, thinking maybe if I looked hard enough, I could transfer some of my thoughts to her and she would understand. I didn’t want to tell her what I was thinking, perhaps because in the end—and it was the end as far she and I were concerned—the truth didn’t matter. We would be two generations of estranged Rosses. Looking at her face, I realized she wasn’t there seeking to get back into my life. She was making peace with leaving me. I vowed never to make the same mistake with my children.
“No more,” I said with a sigh and rose to my feet. “I have to get back inside.”
Even though I didn’t. I had no meetings or HR paperwork to sign, not that day, at least. I’d been told all of that as part of my surprise farewell party, which had ended before I went to the ladies’ room. But I had reached my limit. Being near Elizabeth Thomas made me feel as if I was being smothered.
I frowned at her wide-eyed gaze.
“I understand,” she whispered.
She had a hint of uncertainty in her tone, but I didn’t care. Turning my back on her, I said, “Have a good life.”
At first, I walked briskly, then I shuffled my feet. I would’ve run from her but didn’t want to rouse anyone’s concern. But ultimately, I did, and I gasped for air and pulled at the top of my silky camisole. My skin was hot and my head heavy. Too many people asked if I was okay, and too many hands touched me. I recognized all the faces, but their names escaped me.Mary Ross. Elizabeth Thomas.The names kept repeating in my head. My body was rigid as I squeezed my balled fist against my collarbone and pressed my arms against my breasts.Stop touching me.I wanted to say it, but those words wouldn't come out.
Finally, all the bodies around me began to recede. Dr. Pittman told them all to give me air because I was having a panic attack.
“Penina!” Asher’s voice rose above the rest of the chatter.
So desperately, I searched for him through my blurry vision. Then two strong arms swooped me off the hard floor as if I were feather light. Asher’s scent filled my senses. With my face buried in the crook of his neck, I clung to him, relishing the warmth of his skin as he took swift steps. Soon the outside air bathed me. I gasped as if I’d finally made it to the surface of the ocean to release the breaths that had been trapped in my lungs.
* * *
Asher climbedinto the back seat of his car with me. Kirk drove us back to the Four Seasons. I was more exhausted than when I worked a night call and was summonsed less than twelve hours later to perform a six-hour surgery. I was broken, shaking, and clinging to Asher like a scared kitten.
He kept rubbing my shoulder and kissing my forehead. I was embarrassed to be so weak in his presence, but I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of my emotional state. It wanted to get worse, not better—and I was ready to recover already.
“Asher,” I said, my voice trembling.
“It’s all right, babe.” He kissed me on the forehead again.
“No, I’m fine.” I shifted to sit up on my own, willing myself to battle the grief.
