Page 12 of Desire
“You’re loyal, curious, and sweet, so fucking sweet,” he moaned.
I took that he meant “sweet” as a double entendre.
There was no more talking, only sighing, moaning, and whimpering until Jasper shook with orgasm. We were forced to let go of each other so our bodies could cool. We didn’t fall asleep, though. Jasper and I layon our sides, facing each other. He asked me about growing up in northern California. I told him all about my father and mother and how they would move into a new community, scam all the neighbors out of as much money as they could, then disappear.
“That’s why I never made friends when I was younger. I felt like a parasite. I wanted to knock on doors and warn everyone in the world to nottrust my parents, especially my father. But I couldn’t do that. I felt so helpless. All I could do was watch.”
“Parents are people, babe, and people have their shit to deal with. Having children doesn’t change that. But you’re a smart woman. I’m sure you know that already.”
I cracked a tiny smile. I loved how he made me feel so astute, as if I could recite theWebster’s Dictionaryby heart. I wanted to convince him that I was more of a survivor than an intellectual, and the difference was marked, but I didn’t want to kill that glimmer of appreciation in his eyes.
I continued to tell him about my life. “When we moved to Pittsburgh, I ended up in an amazing high school. The school counselor is now a world-renowned cognitive behavioral therapist. I used to have sessionswith her twice a week. That’s when I learned what you just said.”
“I wish I could’ve seen you back then.”
We smiled lovingly at each other. Goodness, he was a beautiful man. It took every ounce of control in my body to not jump his bones yet again.
“What about you? I bet growing up a Christmas was quite interesting.”
“It was miserable,” he said without pause, whichI found surprising. His eyes weren’t guarded either.
I wasn’t going to ask him to elaborate, even though I wanted him to. I pictured a pretty little boy with sandy-blond hair and blue-green eyes standing next to his perpetually scowling father, both wearing three-piece suits.
“I was taught to live by Randolph’s rules and never my own ever since I could remember,” he said.
“Is that what rich men like your father are all about? Control?”
He swallowed what must’ve been a lump in his throat. “Yes,” he barely said.
There were memories playing behind his eyes, I could tell. I wondered what he had endured under the harsh palm of Randolph Christmas. During my stay in the Christmas mansion, I’d noticed whenever the subject of their father’s declining healtharose, Bryn, Asher, and Spencer had the luxury of being more distant about the impact of what that meant for the future of their family. Jasper, on the other hand, seemed to carry the weight of the changes that were before them. At first, it had just been an inclination of mine, but then on Christmas Eve, on the day of their father’s death, I’d noticed something about them all. They’d glowed. Theyhad been anxious. They couldn’t escape the confines of that mansion fast enough.
Jasper smiled lightly—I assumed to assure me he was okay. “Once, when I was about nine or ten, I had a teacher. I can’t remember his name, but he gave us a lesson on space and NASA needing brave boys and girls like us to choose a career in discovering uncharted territory. I liked the idea of going where noman’s ever gone. I came home from school and told my father I wanted to be an astronaut and told him all about my lesson.” His eyes dimmed. “Randolph grabbed me by the neck and pinned me to the wall. I was homeschooled after that.”
I reached out and ran my fingers across his succulent bottom lip. He quickly captured my hand and kissed the back of it before drawing me against him. The wayhe held me and how I felt in his embrace signaled a change in our relationship. The moment satiated me just the same as if we were making beautiful love. Perhaps that was exactly what I was feeling in the moment. Jasper’s engulfing presence was beginning to erase the parts of me that never let a man close enough to love me. I had never felt safer than I did in that moment, and soon I fell asleep.
At some point, I saw Jasper at the Christmas party at the Christmases. He was walking the floor, his arm linked with Julia Valentine’s. They greeted their guests. Even Asher took Julia’s hand and kissed the back of it like an adoring fan. I watched from a distance as they made their approach. I wondered if Jasper would acknowledge me. They shook more hands and laughed with more of theirguests. I waited.
Bryn sidled up next to me. “I told you not to fuck him. Well, that’s why.”
When I turned to look at her, half of her head was missing, and she was bleeding profusely.
I gasped. My eyes popped open, and I woke up to a lit room. “It was only a dream,” I whispered in an effort to comfort myself. It took a moment to remember that I wasn’t alone. However, thespace beside me was empty.
I sat up swiftly. “Jasper?” I called, casting my voice toward the bathroom. My gaze fell on the pillow Jasper had slept on. There was a small square sheet of paper ripped from the hotel notepad.
Oddly, the first thing I noticed was Jasper’s handwriting. It was the first time I had seen his elegant penmanship. Then I read the words.
Dear Holly,
I apologize for leaving so soon.
Know that I care deeply for you.
Always,
Ace
“Ace,”I whispered as a knot formed in my chest and my sinuses swelled.
Why didn’t he sign his rude goodbye note as Jasper?
I couldn’t help being equally intrigued and angry. But I wouldn’t let myself cry. I was lucky. My heart was not aching, at least not yet. Allthe hesitation I’d had about falling into bed with Jasper Christmas again had aptly protected me against this inevitable ending.
