Page 23 of Tangled With the Wrong Guy
‘That’s a very knobbly knob. A verybigknob.’
‘A very shiny one too.’
‘What going on with his knobbly knob?’
‘It’s just how it was sculpted, but now women come to rub it, for help with … things.’
He grinned. ‘That’s awesome. Does it work?’
‘I think it’s mostly to do with fertility. A bit like that chalk giant in Dorset, you know the one? Women who’re trying to get pregnant climb the hill and sit on his willy. But Monsieur Noir helps with other things too. It’s said he can improve your sex life.’
‘Chloe …’
She met his eye. ‘Let me get the key. Perhaps I’ll give him a small rub on my way.’
‘Right. I’ll have to come with you.’
‘Oh, of course. Shall we, then?’
‘Après vous.’
They moved alongside Monsieur Noir. Someone had left a red rose by his top hat.
‘Oh, I remember,’ Chloe said. ‘There’s a ritual. Place a rose by his hat, kiss him on the lips, then rub his–’
‘–knobbly knob.’
‘Yes. Apparently some people actually straddle it, have a bit of a bounce.’
‘You should absolutely do that.’
‘Perhaps I should. I haven’t had sex in a year. Clearly I need help.’
She fed herself a line:He’s gay, or bi. And spoken for. Getting married. Very soon. We can have a laugh about this without it being awkward or suggestive.
But at the same time, she acknowledged, she was digging, probing, trying to ascertain once and for all where his inclinations lay. Why was it so important to find out? Well, she knew the answer to that.
Chloe reached across and lifted the large, wrought-iron key from Monsieur Noir’s chest.
‘A key to an old door, I’d say,’ said Joel. ‘Your secret door, probably. Now all we have to do is find that door. Pity your security guard friend didn’t leave us a clue to that as well. Give it here – I’ll hold it while you get down and dirty with yourami.’
She passed it over, and the small torch that had been left beside it, then, giggling, she lifted her left leg over the effigy, steadying herself with her free hand.
‘I’ll light your way to heaven,’ said Joel, switching on the torch and shining it on the bronze bulge. ‘Come on baby, light his fire.’
Chloe grinned, and sat down facing Victor’s head. She leaned over and pecked him on his cold, bronze lips, then slid herself backwards onto the bump. ‘Oh la la!’ she said. ‘Monsieur Noir is ver’ happy to see me!’
Joel chuckled. ‘He’s a lucky man. Make him shine, Chloe.’
She moved backwards and forwards a few times, smiling widely.
Oh. There really was something in the air tonight. The sensations Joel had ignited on the bench quickly bubbled up again, gripping her with twice the strength. That Phil Collins song began playing in her head:I can feel it, coming …
She went still. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’ Thank heavens for the darkness; her face was surely on fire. And so was her crotch.
‘Does Monsieur Noir really have special powers?’ he asked, putting down the torch and the key, holding out his hand to help her down.
‘Honest to god, I think he must have,’ she said. ‘What on earth’s going on in this cemetery tonight?’ She jumped down onto the space in front of Joel and, still clasping his hand, looked up at him. He held her gaze, and she bit her lip, attempting to hold in the words:Kiss me, Joel. Please, please kiss me.
