Page 53 of All Autumn
Icouldn’t think straightthis morning.
Connor took me to a world I never knew existed with his kisses and touches, with how his deep blue eyes had held mine prisoner as he filled me in a way I’d never before known to even wish for.
Then he’d torn me open, exposed my deepest secrets and fears word by eye-opening word, forcing me to see that I’d suppressed my own needs and desires to accommodate what Brian—the jerk face who thought it was perfectly okay to have a little pussy on the side—wanted from me.
Gray light filtered in through the edges of the bedroom blinds. Unable to go back to sleep, I looked at Connor, but in the darkness all I could see was the outline of his body. That was a shame since I would have enjoyed feasting my eyes on him when he was unaware. Instead I eased out of bed.
As soon as I stood, Beau was at my side, his wagging tail beating against my legs. “Let’s go watch the sunrise,” I whispered. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen the sun come up, and this morning seemed like the perfect day to do that.
After I pulled leggings and a T-shirt out of my overnight bag, we made our way to the kitchen. I opened cabinet doors until I found Connor’s coffee stash. He had a K-Cup machine, and I picked a mocha-flavored one. Minutes later, coffee in hand, Beau and I went out onto Connor’s back deck.
“Don’t run off,” I said to Beau as he raced down the steps. I leaned on the railing, watched him for a few minutes in the dim light, and satisfied he would stay close, I turned my gaze on the sun beginning to peek over the mountaintop.
I thought about Brian and my father. Were they two peas in a pod? Did my dad not see anything wrong with cheating on my mother the same way Brian had with me? And what made my mom and me vulnerable to men like that? Our environment? Mom never talked about her parents, so I didn’t know much about them. I’d never even met them. Had her dad been a cheater and she’d learned to believe that was just how men were? Had I subconsciously sought out a man like my father even though I’d sworn that would never happen? Sworn that I’d never be my mother, yet I had been, if only briefly.
If so I’d broken that mold by not tolerating even one cheat. For that I was proud of myself. I wished I could sit down with both Brian and my dad and have an honest discussion. I wanted to understand how their minds worked, how they could claim to be in love with a woman yet not stay faithful. Since I doubted either one would be honest, confronting them would be pointless. I was over Brian, completely and totally. But my dad still had the power to hurt me and my mom.
Both had excuses for their behavior, and truthfully, I felt sorry for them. Rationally I knew not all men were my father or my ex-husband, but my trust in men had been destroyed, and I didn’t ever see that changing.
So while I felt lighter of heart, I still didn’t trust my judgment, mostly because I didn’t have a blueprint for a marriage filled with love and fidelity thanks to my parents. Love wasn’t for me. And that was okay. Better to just have fun out of life than to have your heart ripped out of your chest.
“Beautiful,” Connor said, slipping up behind me and wrapping his arms around me.
I looked up at the sunrise. “Yeah, it is.”
“That’s not the beautiful I was talking about.” He nuzzled my neck. “I woke up with naughty thoughts in my head about you and would have showed you what was in my mind, but you weren’t there.”
He sounded miffed. I chuckled. “Stop pouting. You can show me those naughty thoughts right here.”
“I like how you think. In fact, I came prepared.”
“Yeah?” I turned in his arms, leaned back, and perused his body. All he had on was a pair of well-worn jeans that he’d left unzipped. My gaze fell on the tantalizing arrow of black hair pointing down, and I traced it with my finger.
I grinned. “You’ve gone commando on me. I like it.”
He grinned back. “Seemed a wasted effort to put on underwear when I was hoping for a little outdoor activity.”
“I’ve never made love under a sunrise before.”
“We’ll have to correct that.”
“Have you?”
“Don’t go there, Autumn. Our pasts have nothing to do with you and me.”
Meaning he had, and a streak of jealousy streamed through me, which was stupid. He lifted me onto the railing, causing me to yelp in surprise. I wrapped my legs around his thighs.
“I won’t let you fall.” He gave me an odd look, then said, “Ever.”
Before I could translate his meaning, he tugged on my leggings. “These need to come off. In fact, jump down. You need to sit on them so you don’t get any splinters in that perfect ass of yours.”
Once I was settled back on the railing to Connor’s liking, he pulled a condom out of his pocket and set it on the railing, then pushed his jeans down and stepped out of them. Looking at a naked Connor took my breath away. He was perfection, and I feared that he set the bar very high, that any man after him wouldn’t measure up.
“I would have thought after last night that you would’ve needed more time to recover,” I said. We’d made love half the night, with short breaks in between for a snack or a drink.
“You’d think so.” His mouth curved in that wicked grin I was learning to love. “But apparently not.”
“You’re insatiable,” I said as I picked up the condom and handed it to him. “But I’m not complaining.”
