Page 1 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
Prologue
BLUE
When faced with the fear of death, do you think we wonder if we've reallylived? Like when you truly believe there's nobody to save you? This is it. You're done. Lost to the world and the ones you hoped loved you.
Do you think we wonder if we lived like we wished to be remembered?
Butnobody elsematters in this scenario, becauseIam the one terrified of the messages I've left behind. Maybe I'm a bitch, even in the last moments of my life, for not giving a shit what anyone else believes, because fuck...I'm tired. I'm so,sotired of thinking about everyone else and trying to be who others want me to be.
Many people would probably have told me to kick Roman, Felix, Declan, and Jared to hell.
Did they grovel enough?
Why did I give in so fast?
They are irredeemable.
And I'm sure there are people in the world rooting for the ones who broke the girl's heart, right?
How did she resist for so long?
She's just playing hard to get.
They're so hot. Just get over it.
Believe me, I've heard it all before in my head. I've been battling this dilemmaalone. I've been fucking struggling to juggle all the pain I carry while figuring out my point of view at the same time.
It's so easy to have an opinion on the sidelines.
If this were a soccer match, the questions might be similar.How did they miss that kick? Where were they on that pass? They fell—just being dramatic.
Little do the onlookers know that the player they're judging really fucked up their knee and is struggling to just make it through the match.
Similar to me. My heart, my fuckingsoul,are battered and bruised just as my body has been many times. I wish to be held, to be coddled back to happiness and health, but Ineedto persevere and ignore the pain.
There are people counting on me. I may look like a fool and embarrass the shit out of myself. Hell, I know I've made plenty of mistakes, but those aremine. I'm mad about them too.
I'm even pissed Dakota stayed with her cheating boyfriend for as long as she did, but damn did she really grow into herself and figure out who she wanted to be in the aftermath. And I learned I will never actually understand unless I live her experience.
So yes, people should have opinions because that's human nature and a healthy expression of beliefs. I hope my story provides an opportunity for self-reflection if I end up on the news. What are your morals? Your boundaries? How much pain are you willing to take before giving in or fighting back?
Judge me.
Hate me.
Uplift me.
Fucking love me.
Whatever you feel, go for it.
Because it doesn't matter. Not right now. Probably not ever because what's done is done, and there's no way I will worry about anyone else if I make it out of this alive.
Facing death, I fear the example I've left in my wake for Violet. I worry the guys will never forgive themselves, even if I’ve not forgiven them.
Fearing I may never open my eyes doesn't remove the scars they gave me. Being scared I'll never see them againdoesmotivate me to actually explore what we could be.
So, no, they haven't magically fixed everything now that I believe I'm never coming home. And no, I don't hate them.
