Page 123 of Fresh Canvas
“Everything was going great.Betterthan great. I knew I loved her and everything. But I…” I looked over my shoulder at her raised eyebrows. “This is gonna sound really dumb, so don’t judge me…” I glanced away, staring fixedly at a bronze table lamp. “I just wanted some kind of sign that Stel was okay with me and Amantha. Well, one night Amantha said that one joke Stel always used to say.”
Camilla shook her head, her mouth tight, so I went on.
“You know, that empty threat about drugging me to relax? Hearing those words come from Amantha felt so wrong. It reminded me that I was never going to get over Stella.” I glumly stared down at my knitted fingers. “It wasn’t fair for Amantha to stay when I knew she’d only ever get half of me.”
Camilla’s eyes narrowed as the thin line of her mouth pinched harder.
“After that sign, I ended things. She deserves someone whole. I’m never going to be able to be that for her.” I was broken, and I was a fool for believing I could ever be anything else.
“And how long ago was that?” Camilla’s clipped toneconfused me. I watched a familiar vein pulse like a hazard sign on her temple.
“Uh, I don’t know. Less than a month?”
My sister smacked a hand to the large vein on her forehead as she began to pace the room. Angry tears suddenly churned in her eyes.
Bewildered, I braced for the onslaught.
“Why are you acting like that?” I asked.
“Because you’re an idiot! That’s why!” Frustration escalated her Italian gestures.
“I’m not an idiot! It was best for her!”
“That’s a lie and you know it!” Tears were spilling down her cheeks now. “Val, I know you miss Stella. There’s not a day that goes by thatIdon’t think of her, so I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. But”—she shook her long curls—“you didn’t give Amantha up for her own good. No, you got scared—and you ran.”
My mouth opened in indignation, but Camilla cut me off with a frustrated noise. She flopped both hands toward me as she spoke.
“It was never about Stella giving you permission, Val! It was about givingyourselfpermission!” Her huge brown eyes glistened. “Or, do you not remember what Stella told me during that last week?”
Immediately, a massive lump filled my throat while Camilla went on.
“That last week when I went to visit her in the hospital? She tookmyhand and made me swear I wouldn’t let you give up on love. Stel knew you would fight it. She knew you’d martyr your future for her. That’s not what she wanted, and you freaking know it!” Camilla’s passionate voice swelled to a crescendo. “You know how pissed she would be right now, Val? That you finally found someone that made you happy then threw it all away?!”
Tears streamed down my unshaven cheeks. I must haveforgotten—or blocked out—that detail of Stella’s final days. Maybe I hadn’t been ready to listen back then.
But now, I saw the emotion in Camilla’s eyes, heard the quiver in her determined voice. I knew she’d been pestering me to date and all, but I hadn’t realized how deep it went—how dedicated she was to fulfilling her promise to her dying sister-in-law. All the annoying nagging made sense now, and I loved her all the more for it.
I wordlessly tugged the little brat into my arms, letting us both cry on the other’s shoulder.
Stella was the sister she never got to have, and my soul mate whose soul left this world too early. The void in both of our chests would never be filled, but at least we had each other.
Camilla let go and placed one hand on my arm, wiping her tears with the other. “I know you think you’re broken, Val, but you’re not. I also know you’re never going to get over Stel, and that’s okay. She was incredible.” Her voice cracked before she took a deep breath. “But Amantha is too, though. You can love them both, Val. You can love themboth.”
“But I… I ruined it.”
“Then fix it.” Camilla stared into my soul. “You’ll regret it forever if you don’t try.”
thirty-five
VAL
Ipressed the lock button on my keys and strode away, my white Audi’s lights flashing in response. I grimaced at my reflection in the museum door. I looked like I had pulled an all nighter—which I had. I tugged open the heavy door as a blast of air conditioning washed over my Tom Ford button-up.
Camilla had left me with plenty to think about. She always said exactly what she felt—raw and completely unfiltered. Sheknewme. Probably better than I knew myself at the moment.
Ihadbeen so sure that Amantha would eventually tire of my grief. Why would anyone subject themselves to a relationship with me knowing I’d never stop loving someone else?
So I ran away. I had left before Amantha could.
