It would’ve broken Xander to HEAR about my scars… let alone see my back. Azoney didn’t have to send him there to a time when he was forced to helplessly watch it happen. That was cruel and unnecessary. Hearing or seeing the end result was enough.
Was there no end to the goddesses’ cruelty? Why couldn’t they just let me protect the people I loved? After everything they allowed to happen to me... it was LITERALLY the least they owed me. Freya offered, “Mate makes a good point. That version of us is together and it’s very possible I shifted after he left.” That made me so happy for them.
Well, if Freya was my wolf in that reality. Freya snorted, “I am your wolf in all realities.” I had no idea how she knew that, but I believed her. I did know there were some different wolves in other realities based on the journals Eric and Haley had about the Ribbon though.
I cursed all the goddesses in my head when Xander confirmed he saw my back. How dare they show my Xander that! They were trash. They somehow just kept getting worse. I actually did not think that it was possible for them to sink any lower, but MAN they were out to prove me wrong.
Freya told me, “Mate is right though. None of those words on your back are true.” I was beginning to believe that. I used to believe I was all those things. Lately though I knew I wasn’t one of them at least. I wasn’t a family killer. I was definitely not a curse since they lived.
To be fair, I always just thought I was cursed not that I cursed others. Just that I was cursed to have a horrible life. Lucinda’s words had gotten through to me about being a freak though. I was different. That didn’t make me a freak because people labeled me that.
I gave them power believing that, and that was the last thing I wanted to do was give those people. Freya snickered, “Finally.We have reached the acceptance stage. That’s good for future things.” I asked, “Do you have to be so cryptic? I am a Beta blood, and I like answer… like… a lot.”
Freya laughed, “Soon I will not be cryptic, and we will have a long chat about things.” I asked, “How soon?” Freya seemed to think about it before answering. “Not too long. If I had a better guess I’d tell you. Maybe the end of this week, but if not early next week.” Well, I could live with that. Freya said, “You could tell mate there is one word that never bothered you.” That was true.
There was one word, and it was Ice Queen. I didn’t care that anyone called me that. I knew I wasn’t an Ice Queen. I did love that Xander believed no man or woman should be labeled that way because they didn’t want to have sex with someone else. That’s exactly how I felt.
When Xander got to Trevor’s name on my back... I broke. I hated that his name was on me. I knew it didn’t make me his. I just hated that I couldn't get them off no matter how hard I tried. Freya linked, “Not to be that girl, but I told you that mate could remove the words.”
My wolf also knew why that was so hard for me to believe. It was one of the things I wanted most, and I didn’t tend to get my wishes anymore. I hadn’t for a long time. Freya agreed, “Things are definitely changing for us. I’m here and mate is too.”
“We are surrounded by love again as we were meant to be all along. You were never meant to be trained to fight by yourself. You were never meant to be without mate. You two were supposed to have known each other most of your lives.”
“You were meant to stop many bad things that are going on, but you were never supposed to suffer. That was not the path meant for us. Despite all that, it’s the path we have and we will make the best of it. You made the best of it.”
“What you did and accomplished with the Resistance is amazing. We are in the Ribbon with mate, and we can change things to how they were supposed to be for other versions of us. That’s what we can do to move forward.” My wolf was right. I just had to focus again on the new goal.
It felt like a gaping wound in my chest right now though. I knew my family would have questions. Questions I didnotwant to answer. I loved Xander for offering to handle it, but I knew I would have to figure out how to deal with this. I couldn’t brush it off and pretend. It would eat at them, and I didn’t want that.
Plus, Ezra was here. He’dloveto torture my dad with that information, and I couldn’t have that. I’d been outsmarting Ezra from the beginning… so I just needed to do it again. I still hated that Xander was in so much pain because of me. It wasn't right.
I couldn't imagine how it felt for my mate to get his wings since it was so bad it felt like it was burning me. Xander’s astonishment shot up from my foot. Did he not realize how intense his pain was that I felt it too?
I shoved that aside because I was making this about me and it wasn’t, it was about him. I needed to comfort my mate. Freya said, “You’re not making it about you. Mate needs to comfort us right now.” Well… that felt a lot like making it about me.
Xander brushed off my attempts at subject changes though. My thoughts circled back to my family. I knew this would kill them, especially my dad. I was upset with them… and I still felt like they abandoned me…. but I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want to be used as a tool to hurt them either.
I was so tired of being a vessel of anguish for everyone. I always brought pain and suffering into people’s lives. I was tired of being the way for everyone to do that. Freya consoled me, “You don’t and you never did. This is other people’s actions, not yours.” Maybe but it felt like it was all me.
Freya chuckled, “Mate figured out you chipped him.” I replied, “I mean… not just him.” It was fine…because the ones in the rings weren’t as good as the ones with ILYX. Plus, I had a watch for Xander anyway. The GPS tracker in those was better than the one in his ring.
I didn’t want to think anymore. I just wanted to feel me and Xander… and I knew getting his wings was supposed to include some… sexy times. Freya commented, “I love this idea. Yes to sexy times.” My mate had probably been putting that off and I didn’t want him to.
I didn’t want to remember those nights with Trevor. I didn’t want to remember wishing I could just die so they’d all leave me alone. I didn’t want to remember the self-hatred I’d felt thinking my biological father killed my family.
I didn’t want to be reminded that I thought my old pack and brother blamed me for the deaths of people I tried to fight with and save. I didn’t want to think about how many times I’d whispered to myself that I looked like my dad. I was done with that.
We made our way to the bedroom. For the first time, I could feel his skin on mine since Xander already knew about my back. After some debate Freya linked, “You can do this if you want to. Mate won’t think less of you because he loves us and nothing will change that.” I believed her.
Before I could question myself, I took my shirt off. The love I felt shoot up my foot made me want to cry again. I wasn’t beautiful. My skin used to be unmarred. Now… it was ugly. I’d just never cared about that until now. My mate flipped me over and I felt his fury as if it was my own.
Xander was mad for me though, not at me. My mate kissed each scar and whispered beautiful words I could tell he meant. I knew Trevor’s name infuriated him the most. Every single wordupset him though. I needed him now in the same way he needed me.
I kissed Xander and we lost ourselves in each other. For him, I think it was knowing I was truly ok. For me, it was feeling so loved by my mate that my scars didn’t change that. I was falling asleep by the time we finished.
Unfortunately, when my eyes closed, I saw the same thing I’d seen several times now. Everyone I loved fighting in human form, with no wolves or powers. My mom was about to die when a snarl of anger stopped everyone in their tracks. I groaned when it faded from my view.
I yelled at the sky in my own mind, “WHO IS SNARLING?! WHAT HAPPENS?! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD EITHER ANSWER THAT QUESTION OR CUT IT OUT WITH THAT DREAM!”
