Page 69 of Before Broken Vows
Xander shifts slightly, moving behind me and peeking around, one hand clutching my shirt, the other still holding his drawing.
"He's shy," I explain unnecessarily. "He's usually not this quiet. Are you, baby?"
Xander shakes his head but doesn't speak.
The tension is unbearable. I want to push them together, force this moment to happen, make it perfect somehow—but I know I can't. This has to unfold in its own way, at its own pace.
"That's a nice drawing," Theo says, nodding toward the crumpled paper in Xander's hand. "What did you make?"
Xander glances down at his drawing, then back up at Theo. "T-Rex," he mumbles, so quietly I barely hear him.
"T-Rex," Theo repeats. "Wow, I like dinosaurs too."
Xander's grip on my shirt loosens just slightly. "You do?"
Theo nods, his eyes never leaving Xander's face. "I had dinosaur toys when I was your age. My favorite was the Brachiosaurus."
Xander's eyes narrow. "huh?"
Theo lets out a small laugh that I can't tell is from nerves or genuine humor. "It's the dinosaur with the really long neck."
"Oh!" Xander's eyes widen. "I have a long neck. It's blue."
"Blue is a good color for him," Theo agrees, the corner of his mouth lifting into a smile.
I watch this exchange with my emotions in my throat. They're circling each other, these two pieces of my heart, searching for common ground.
"Want to see my dinosaurs?" Xander asks, his voice gaining confidence.
Theo's smile grows more genuine. "I'd like that very much."
Xander looks up at me, seeking permission. I nod, trying to keep my expression steady despite the tears threatening to spill over.
"In my room," Xander says, slipping out from behind me but staying close. "Come too, Mommy."
Theo rises to his full height and nods to Xander. "Lead the way, buddy."
Xander takes a few tentative steps toward the hallway, then pauses and looks back at Theo.
"Why don't you hold your dad's hand too?" I ask, maybe jumping the gun but also curious what he'll do.
Xander hesitates, then extends his hand.
Theo stares at that small outstretched hand for a moment and then, with a slight tremor in his fingers, gently wraps his hand around Xander's.
"Your hand is big," Xander observes, looking down at their joined hands.
"You'll have big hands too, when you grow up," Theo tells him.
Xander seems to consider this. "Like you?"
"Yes," Theo says. "Like me."
The three of us walk into the room and I hang back by the door while Xander relaxes and starts showing Theo all his dinosaurs. Theo listens with such intensity I don't think he could hear me scream his name. The world—his world—only contains Xander in it right now, and that's something I never thought I'd see.
I smile. It's funny.
Xander's a little nervous. And so is Theo. And so am I. We're all pretending not to shatter.
