Page 44 of Before Broken Vows
"I left because I knew if I stayed, I'd destroy you, and maybe I'd die. Or he would."
Theo goes still. Completely still. Like even his blood has stopped flowing.
"'He?'" The word comes out strangled. "Who are you talking about?" he yells.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. How do I say this? How do I tell him that I deprived him of so much?
He looks down at me, staring, waiting, gears turning, trying to put the pieces of what I say together.
"Who the fuck is he, Stassi?"
My body trembles.
This is it.
No going back.
"I—" My throat closes. I can hardly breathe. "I found out in Chicago before we left and came back here together for the last time. I was going to tell you. I swear."
"Who. Is. He." Each word feels like the twisting of a knife in my heart.
I force myself to meet his eyes. Those damn beautiful blue eyes I see every day in a smaller, softer face. I force my mouth to form the words I've rehearsed a thousand times, never believing I'd actually say them to him.
"Your son," I say more confidently than I ever thought I would.
Time stops.
The words hang between us. For several heartbeats, Theo doesn't move. Doesn't blink. His face drains of all color.
"My what?" he breathes in a soft tone.
I feel the dam breaking, walls crumbling.
"I didn't know how to tell you, and I thought…" I shake my head. "I thought if I did, you'd feel trapped. I knew how important the family was, how you couldn't just leave."
I wipe tears away from my face.
"And I didn't want to make you choose. Between the life you've built, your family and the people who depend on you, and me. But then, I decided I was going to tell you, and that was when your father called."
I let out a shuddered breath and try to hold back the tears, but it's no use.
Theo stumbles back and grabs onto the dresser.
"That's... that's not possible," he says, his voice laced with devastation.
My heart is breaking just like I knew it would. How could it not? When you tell someone you've kept his child from him for three years? That I deprived him of first steps, first words, first everything?
"My father knew? I don't… I don't understand."
"Yes," I say in between tears, "I went to the doctors to make sure, and it turned out that doctor somehow knew your father. He called and told me he was fine with you having some fun,but that you were meant for bigger things. You were part of an alliance deal. He said there were people who would now try and use me—or use our child—against you. Against your family. And he couldn't allow it."
"You're fucking lying," Theo says, but even I can tell it's reactive and not said in truth.
I step toward him because I've come this far—I might as well continue.
"No. He told me I had to get rid of it and that I needed to disappear. I was done with you. He'd give me money, a new name, documents, but I was never to be found. And if I got any crazy ideas to keep the baby or let you find me..." I stop and hesitate, and Theo shoots me a glance, "he'd kill me."
I take a few breaths.
