Page 85 of Verses and Blooms
“Always,” Audrey said. Just like that, I had her full attention. She had a way of making it feel like the rest of the world didn’t matter. Like her attention was unshakable.
“I’ve realized over the last few weeks that I don’t really know who I am.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, not quite following.
“The person I was before I was thrown into that ring is gone,” I said quietly. “That was something else Alice and I talked about. I’m not just going to magically become that person again as I heal. I’ve been through too much, seen too much, for that to happen. Which means I’m starting over, and I don’t really have a personality.”
“What?” Audrey argued. “Of course you do. You’re sweet and kind and gentle. There’s so much more to you than your trauma, Ansel.”
“No, I know that,” I said, wishing I could explain it better. “It’s more that I don’t feel like a whole person anymore. I never got to experience my formative years. I was taken almost as soon as I designated.”
“I understand that,” she said softly.
“I just... I don’t have a favorite color, or a favorite band. I don’t even know what music I like. The things others find exciting, I’m terrified of. I know I’m working on that, but... I want to experience life, Audrey.”
“The reality is that those things come with time,” she said gently. She moved closer so we were practically nose to nose, offering comfort through touch as I worked through my thoughts. “You’re not broken because you experience life differently than other people. We don’t need to be typical, we just need to be ourselves.”
“There’s just so much anger there,” I said, stumbling over the words. “I promise that I’m not trying to use you as a therapist, I talked to Alice about this, too. She thought you might have a unique perspective.”
“We’re pack,” she said. “You’re allowed to talk to me about how you feel.”
“I’m mad that my life was stolen from me,” I said, the words tumbling out. “Angry that I was used for entertainment like I didn’t have my own feelings or life before them. They probably got slapped with some kind of fine and just moved on like it was nothing. To them, it wasn’t a big deal. They get to absolve the guilt and blame it on instincts. On my scent. Yet, here I am, fucked up for life.”
“We’re going to get our chance to experience life,” she said gently, running her hand over my arms. “We’re not so fucked upthat we have to stay in this state forever. That’s why we’re going to therapy and growing and changing.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just that we didn’t get to appreciate the small, simple moments in life. Like learning to drive. Getting our first job or apartment, decorating however we want. Finding our independence.”
“You know I understand,” she whispered. “I’ve always wanted to dance in the rain. To go explore new cities.”
“A tattoo,” I added on. “Hell, would I even like one?”
“I’m not sure I do,” she laughed. “I’ve had my share of needles.” We both shuddered.
“Tattoos are different,” I said, though it was a weak argument. “And Rydell would be the one doing it.”
We fell silent again, her fingers tracing carefully over my skin.
“Wait.” I perked up, glancing toward the window. It was covered, but I scrambled out of the pile of blankets and pillows, pulling the curtains aside and peeking through. A grin broke across my face when I saw the downpour was still ongoing. “We could knock one of those off right now. It’s raining.”
Her eyes lit up. She untangled herself from the nest, both of us hurrying toward the door, not bothering with shoes.
“What are you two up to?” Larissa asked as we approached the door.
“We’re going to dance in the rain,” Audrey said defiantly.
Larissa just shook her head, but she was smiling. She started to stand up like she was going to follow, but a deep voice had her pausing.
“Don’t worry. I’ll go with them,” Rydell told her. Of course, we didn’t make it far without one of the alphas noticing.
We were no longer considered a flight risk, so as long as we had someone to watch us, they seemed fine with us having free rein of the grounds.
“For the record,” he said as soon as we stepped into the main hall. “I think you’re both nuts.”
I laughed, not arguing. It was cold enough that we’d regret it later, but it was going to be cathartic. This was one of those defining moments.
A few guards watched from a distance, and I even heard one of them report that we were heading outside. Eyes were everywhere, but at least they’d have a bit of a show tonight.
Rydell opened the door for us, holding it but not following out into the torrents of rain.
