Page 42 of Make Me Bleed
“What the fuck is going on? You’ve been acting weird since we got to the school.”
“No, I haven’t.” His fingers tighten on the steering wheel as he turns right, and I know something is up.
I straighten in my seat, my hair prickling along the back of my neck. “Who are you seriously trying to lie to right now?”
Gabe sighs loudly, and I know I’ve got him. “Look… Peris.”
“What did you do?” I ask, my heart ricocheting behind my ribcage.
“It’s because I love you both…”
“Gabriel,” I snarl, and he actually winces. And that’s when I know it’s bad. Really fucking bad. Dread swirls in my gut, and I forget all about Abel as we pull up in front of the house and I see none other than my mother sitting on the front porch.
I whirl to face him. “You son of a bitch!”
“I’m sorry!” he shouts back as he slams the car into park along the side of the road, just behind Ma’s car. She’s sitting on the porch, hands clasped in front of her, and she looks older than the last time I saw her… which was months ago.
“How dare you get?—”
“Get involved?” he interrupts me, voice pitched high, like he can’t believe what I’m saying. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”
My stomach clenches with guilt, and I refuse to look at him—or at my mother. I can’t. Because I’m in the wrong, and I know it but I’m too stubborn to go back on it now. “No. I’m not.”
“We’re the only fucking family you’ve got, and you’ve pushed us away long enough. He’s not going to stay away forever, and Elise doesn’t deserve to fight him off by herself. It’s been nearly two years already, and it’s fucking killing her.”
Every muscle in my body tenses at his words—at his cavalier mention of Luke. “That’s not fair.”
He chuckles darkly. “No. It’s not. What do you think she’s been going through for you? How hard this has been? How fuckingimpossible.”
At that, I look up at my mother through the slightly fogged-over glass. At her now-weathered face and I let myself feel it. Thesickening feeling of guilt that I’ve been shoving down with booze and basketball because I didn’t feel there was any other choice.
But now that I’m faced with it, it settles on my shoulders like the weight it’s supposed to bear, and I see how wrong I’ve been.
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck. You prick.”
“Okay, Gabriel.” I stutter out a breath through constricted muscles. “I get it.”
“Yeah, right. Sorry,” he adds sheepishly and then gets out of the car without another word. The soft snick of the door closing makes my breath hitch, and I hate the tightening in my chest. I drop my head against the glass of the window and scrunch my eyes shut. The last twelve hours have been far too much for me to handle.
The door opens again, and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. “Gabe. Please. Just give me…”
“Peris,” Ma says softly, and I choke on a sob. The car rocks softly as she sits in the seat and closes the door behind her. And the next thing I know, I’m being pulled into her arms, and everything is falling into place, and it all feels right again, even though it’s all so,sowrong.
“Fuck, Ma, I’m so sorry,” I cry into her shoulder. “I’ve been the biggest piece of shit?—”
“Don’t apologize to me, Peris. I don’t want that,” she says softly, running her fingers through my tangled hair. “I just want you to be okay… and you’re not. Are you?” she adds after a moment, and I freeze, tears clogging my throat. My eyes sting, nose burning with the truth, and I feel my head shaking before I can really think about it.
“I didn’t think so, baby. I’m the one who’s sorry. Sorry I couldn’t protect you.” Her words are soft spoken but definitive, like she’s been thinking them for a long time, and I’m instantly wracked with another intense wave of guilt.
“It wasn’t either of our fault.” And for the first time in my life, I discern the truth.
It wasn’t my fault.
It’s not my fault…
Maybe it’s seeing Ma for the first time in nearly a year and realizing she’s aged ten. Maybe it’s because I’m hungover and I feel like shit and my mouth tastes like ass. Maybe it’s because Ma’s been doing everything in her power to keep Luke away from me ever since he was released… including going as far as setting up a no-contact order and ensuring that he hasn’t broken it while I’ve just been fucking around without a care in the world while she’s been stressing about it. Maybe it’s the guilt I feel churning in my gut over it all. And seeing Abel again is just what’s tipped the bucket over.
