Page 162 of For Wrath and Redemption
Just one day at a fucking time. One foot in front of the other. Bit by bit, building a new normal. I inhale and exhale, chew on my gum, andshove my hand under my thigh so I don’t pick at my thumb. Then I smile. It’s going to stick this time.
“Oh, can I have a piece?”
Claire reaches her hand out, pulling me from my thoughts, but I shake my head.
“Nah, not this. It’s nicotine gum.”
“Nicotine gum? Why?”
“Smoking is bad for you and the baby.”
Her brows shoot up. “You quit smoking for me and the baby?”
I almost want to laugh at the disbelief in her tone, but it makes my chest tighten with sadness. I hope that someday she can see herself the way I do. I lean in close and take her hand.
“There isn’t a fucking thing on Earth that I wouldn’t do for you.”
She gazes at me, eyes bouncing between mine, searching. Always searching. It’s automatic for her. To look for the lie. To prepare for pain. She still doesn’t feel worthy of love. It’s going to take a while to heal that part of her, but I’m here for the long haul, and I’ll make sure she sees how sincere I am.
“Not a fucking thing,” I say again before kissing her knuckles.
She smiles and nods, and it will have to be enough for now.
We break apart when someone knocks on the door, and the doctor walks in. She says hello to Claire, looks at me with a smile, and then her eyes flare wide. She recognizes me, and apparently, it’s caught her off guard enough that whatever she was going to say has left her.
“Oh, I’m sorry. This is Jonah. He’s the baby’s father.”
“Jonah Hendrix.” I stick my hand out for the doctor to shake. “I’m Claire’s boyfriend.”
I hear Claire’s breath hitch, so I send her a smirk and mouth the word again—Boyfriend—making her blush. I grin and look back at the doctor. “It’s nice to meet you.”
By then, the doc has regained her composure and continues like nothing happened. She asks Claire questions. How she’s been feeling. Any concerns or new symptoms. Any questions today, et cetera. When she’s determined all is well, she leaves and sends the ultrasound technician in.
My leg starts bouncing again, and Claire reaches over and takes my hand. We share a smile, then the tech gets to work. She squirts a blue gelon Claire’s stomach, positions a wand-type thing on the gel, and then there is a sound that resembles a heartbeat. I heard it once on the video that Mabel took, but this is closer. More real. It gives me goosebumps.
“Is that what I think it is?” I look between Claire and the tech. “Is that the heartbeat?”
“That’s right. A healthy heartbeat.”
I can’t contain my smile. I don’t think I can smile any bigger. But then something comes on the screen, and my own pulse speeds up.
“Is that...?”
“That’s your baby.”
I look at Claire and find her smiling at me.
“That’s our baby,” I whisper, then my eyes are pulled back to the screen as the tech speaks.
“I’m just going to be taking some measurements and pictures, but let’s get you a good profile image first.”
I’m in awe. She moves the wand, giving us a side view of the baby, and I can see a little nose and mouth. Arms and legs. The tech points everything out as she measures it, and I can’t look away. I just run my thumb back and forth over Claire’s hand and try my best to commit all of this to memory.
I’m overwhelmed with emotions. They fill me up until I swear I’ll burst. Sobriety means I’m not numb anymore. These emotions aren’t dulled. Reality isn’t foggy.
I feeleverything, and I’m grateful for it.
“Do you want to know the sex?”
