Page 152 of For Wrath and Redemption
Torren pulls me from my thoughts, and I glance at him.
“Is it something I want to hear?”
He smirks. “I’m going to say it regardless.”
I wave my hand in the air. “Carry on.”
He swallows and purses his lips, pausing for a moment as if collecting his thoughts. He never takes his eyes off the road or his hands off the wheel while speaking, but I feel every word as sincerely as if he were making eye contact.
“I’m sorry. I should have recognized that you were struggling. I should have seen it when I picked you up the first time, and I sure as fuck should have seen it since then. I let myself be naïve and saw onlywhat I wanted to see, especially after Callie came along. I dropped you, and even though I could tell it bothered you, I ignored it. I’m sorry. It was fucked up, and you deserved a better friend. I won’t let it happen again.”
I exhale slowly, my forehead creasing as his message sinks in. Then I huff a small laugh.
“You didn’t see whatyouwanted to see, Tor. You saw whatIwanted you to see. I’ve spent my entire life observing and analyzing people, then over a decade perfecting how to use what I learn to my advantage. I didn’t want your help. I didn’t wantanyone’shelp, and that’s on me, not you.”
Torren shakes his head. “No, Jo. You’re my best friend. You’re my brother. I should have been paying better attention.”
“You can’t put that on yourself, Torren. You all tried your best. But until I wanted it, it wouldn’t have mattered.”
Briefly, he flicks his eyes to me. “But you want it now?”
“More than fucking anything.”
He smiles. “Good. I’m really glad. We want it for you, too.”
I nod, then turn my attention back out the window and sit with that truth. I do want it more than anything. I want it for me. For Claire. For our baby. I want sobriety forus, and I want it so badly that I’m terrified I’m going to lose it.
What if she’s changed her mind?
I thought about it a lot in rehab. If Claire changed her mind, if she doesn’t want to do this with me, it will absolutely crush me. I’ll have to go through every raw emotion without a chemical crutch because I refuse to backslide again. I meant what I said to Torren. It’s going to stick this time. I’m staying clean, and so I’m preparing myself for the worst. It will be a heartbreak like I’ve never known. Worse than Theo. Worse than learning that my existence was solely for the purpose of keeping him alive. Worse than failing.
Worse than anything.
I flex my fingers into my thigh again. I focus on my breathing. On my heart rate. For the first time in a long time, my experience of the world is untainted. That fills me with just as much fear as it does pride.
I just have to take it one day at a fucking time.
I break the silence with a question. “She here?”
“Been here, actually.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s been staying at Mabel’s place since her lease ended.”
I turn and face him. “One of Mabel’s places on the East Coast?”
“Nope. Mabel’s place down the street from Sav’s right here in LA.”
Excitement stirs in my stomach. I didn’t think she’d leave New York. Not without me having to beg, which I was fully prepared to do. This is a good sign, but I try not to get too hopeful.
“Did she take the job offer from Sav?”
“She did. She’s already drawn up marketing plans for Rock Loveless and Caveat. She’s really fucking smart.”
I smile at that. “She is.”
She’s working for Sav now, so the move could have been work-related. But she’s here. She’s here in LA, and that’s one obstacle I no longer have to clear.
