Page 130 of For Wrath and Redemption
“What did that feel like? Falling in love with her. How did you know?”
He hums. There’s a tapping sound. His hands on the steering wheel, I realize.
“Falling in love feels like falling to your death.”
“Jesus. Then why do people do it?”
“Because it’s the revival that feels so sweet.”
I can hear the smile in his voice when he responds, and I picture him in my mind. Sitting in his car in the gas station parking lot, smiling softly down at his steering wheel. His curly hair is probably falling into his eyes. He’s probably wearing a USMC shirt and sweats. I know he’s thinking of Lennon. Lennon, Gabe, and the new baby. His little family.
My brother is happy. He’s so happy, and it makes my heart squeeze because I’m happy for him. No jealousy. Nothing toxic. Just happiness.
“I’m glad you found your way back to each other,” I say on a whisper. “I’m sorry for ever keeping you apart. I know I’ve said it before, but I do mean it. I really am so happy for you both.”
There’s a pause. It’s long enough that I have to check my phone to make sure he didn’t hang up. The longer it stretches, the more I worry, and then he sighs.
“I know. I know you are, Claire. And in hindsight, Lennon and I needed that space. A lot of pain came out of it, but so did a lot of good. It’s not...it’s still not okay, you know? But it doesn’t feel as terrible as it once did.”
I shrug even though he can’t see me. “I’m sorry just the same.”
“Is everything okay, Claire? You’ve never asked about my recovery before. You’ve never asked about any of this before.”
Not because I didn’t care, I want to say.Because it wasn’t my place. I swallow down the excuse and force a smile instead, trying my best to sound cheery.
“Yeah. Of course. Everything is fine.”
“Are you in trouble? Do you need anything?”
“No.” I swallow and sit up straighter, hoping like hell I sound more convincing than I feel. “No, I don’t need anything. I was just doingsomething for work, and I was thinking about it. Thank you for calling me back. I should probably go. I know it’s late by you.”
“Sure...” He hesitates. I hear his car door open and shut. “Hey. I’m here, so I’m going to have to let you go. But I love you, Hairy Clairy. You’ll always be my baby sis, even if...well, I’m always going to love you, okay?”
I press my hand to my mouth and hiccup on a sob. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to catch my breath. I try to hide how hard I’m crying, but I know I fail.
“I love you too, Macon like Bacon.”
It’s not forgiveness. I may never get that. But he doesn’t hate me anymore. I try not to dwell on the hesitation. The sighs. The,it’s still not okay.He doesn’t hate me, and that’s better than I could have hoped for.
I have to wait nearly half an hour before I’ve calmed enough to climb back into bed with Jonah, but the moment my body hits the mattress, he’s pulling me against his chest. I snuggle into him, and he hums.
“You’re here.”
His voice is low and sleepy. His breathing is deep enough that I’m not sure he’s awake. I press my ear to his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat.
Falling in love feels like falling to your death.
It’s the revival that feels so sweet.
I take my hand and place it on my flat stomach. According to my internet search, it’s the size of a sesame seed. One-sixteenth of an inch. So small. So fragile. I listen to Jonah’s heartbeat, and I picture the little sesame seed we created in Madrid.
We’re two disasters, he and I. Two broken, damaged people who’ve made so many mistakes. But this sesame seed? Something tells me it’s not one of them.
Together, we can grow back better. Wedeserveto grow back better.
The three of us.
It’s the revival that feels so sweet.
