Page 38 of For Wrath and Redemption
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy like that. That was shitty.”
“No,” I say with a forced laugh. “No. It’s fine. He’s my nephew.”
“He’s fucking adorable. His hair is the same color as yours.”
I click off the phone screen and set it face down on the table. I force a swallow.
“Yeah, my brother has the same hair. Mine’s curly like theirs too. I just straighten it.”
“I bet they’re missing you right now.”
“No.” I wince and give my head a little shake. “No. They’re not.”
Sav’s eyes scan over my face. I don’t know what she sees, but her smile turns sad.
“That sucks. I’m sorry.”
I shrug, doing my best to breathe through the threat of more tears. “It’s my fault. I have to live with it.”
She furrows her brow. “Want to talk about it?”
I shrug again. I consider telling her no, but when I open my mouth, something else comes out. Something I’ve harbored in my chest for so long that it’s taken up permanent residence around my heart and lungs. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.
“It’s simple, really. I made a shitty decision that hurt people. If I’d known it would do the damage it did...” I close my eyes and slump back in my seat. “I can’t take it back.”
I shake my head as a tear escapes through my lashes.
“When I finally realized how wrong I was...Well, it was too late. Now I’m dealing with the consequences of those choices.”
Sav and I fall into silence. Even the sounds from Mabel’s phone havestopped, and when I finally open my eyes, they’re both looking at me. I’m afraid of what I’ll see on their faces, but instead of judgment, I find empathy. I find understanding.
“Have you apologized? Explained?”
I look at Mabel and nod. “I’ve tried. Kind of. I don’t blame them for not wanting to hear me out, though. I wouldn’t forgive me either.”
I haven’t. I can’t.
The admission brings on more tears, and my muscles sag with defeat. Then Sav puts her hand on mine.
“Can I say something? Unsolicited advice, kind of. It’s cool if you don’t want it.”
I think about it for a moment. Do I want advice?
“There’s nothing I can do that will make them forgive me, Sav. I don’t want to force it.”
She shakes her head. “I know. It’s not about that.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, then nod. “Sure. It can’t hurt.”
She smiles softly. “You have to forgive yourself, even if they can’t.”
I huff out a laugh before I can stop myself. My half smile is sardonic. Self-deprecating. “With respect, Sav, you don’t know my story. You don’t know what happened.”
She shrugs. “Yeah, but I’m no stranger to shitty decisions, either. I’ve hurt a lot of people out of selfishness. I caused others pain because I was in pain. I’m not proud of it, and I know it’s well within their right to never forgive me. Some of them will never speak to me again, and I’ve had to accept that.” Her grip on my hand tightens. “I also know what remorse looks like. I know regret. I know how it eats at you, and no one can live like that. You’reallowedto move on. It sounds like you’ve punished yourself enough.”
I wipe at my cheeks, my hands coming back smeared with black mascara. I don’t respond. I keep my eyes closed, grit my teeth, and breathe. I want to hear her. To believe her.
“She’s right,” Mabel adds, her voice closer now. “We’re not perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. We’re all the villains in someone’s story. In Sav’s case, she’s the villain in a lot of stories.”
