Page 127 of For Wrath and Redemption
I move my piece and shrug. “I asked them to send me away for school my sophomore year of high school. They said it was too expensive.”
Claire’s jaw drops. “Your dad is a multi-millionaire.”
“C’mon, Trouble. That money is for the people they care about.Themselves.”
She bites her lip, looks at the board, then looks back at me. “Your mom, too? I mean...I know your dad is terrible, but I guess since he cheated on your mom, I thought she wouldn’t be as bad. I had her positioned as a victim in my mind.”
I laugh. “Everyone is a victim of Conrad Henderson, but my mom was definitely a villain, too. When Theo died, something broke inside her. She went from tolerating me, to resenting me. She just kind of shut down. That’s when Dear Old Dad started taking mistresses.” I smile. “Once I caught him with my classmate’s older sister.”
Her eyebrows slant, and she averts her gaze. Shame. She’s feeling shame. I reach over and take her hand. I give it a squeeze.
“He’s the asshole. Not you.”
She doesn’t respond, and her attention goes back to the board. She’s quiet for a long time before she finally speaks again. This time, her voice is quieter. Sadder.
“My brother overdosed at a party when I was a senior in high school. I didn’t know until months after.”
She sniffles, and when a tear rolls down her cheek, she swipes it away with the back of her hand.
“I didn’t understand his struggles when we were younger. I was crass and cruel. I had no compassion. Then he almost died, and I had to hear about it from some random guy on the football team.”
Her eyes stay on the board, but she doesn’t move one of her pieces. I get the feeling she’s not thinking of chess anymore.
“You were struggling too, Trouble. Trust me. When you’re ear deep in your own shit, it’s hard to have compassion for anyone. I would know.”
She shrugs and wipes away more tears. “Macon and Lennon were the two most important people in my life, and I...” She scoffs and tilts her head to the ceiling. “When I actually tried to help, when I tried to step out of my own mess long enough to help them, I just made things worse.”
“What do you mean? What did you do?”
She hesitates, chewing on her lip and dropping her eyes to the floor. Then she blows out a slow breath and nods.
“At the end of senior year Macon got beat up pretty bad. Dealers. Someone he used to sell for, too. They beat Macon up and left him for dead, but not before threatening Lennon’s life. It was a big, convoluted web, honestly, but the guy who did it was untouchable in our town. Lennon’s dad decided to send her away, but Macon wrote her a letter and put it in her suitcase. It explained everything. Said he would wait for her. Begged her to wait for him.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I took the letter. I kept it. So, she went away thinking everyone had abandoned her. I thought it was best for both of them, but it...it had so many repercussions that I never could have predicted. When the truth came out...” She shrugs. “Well. Now you know.”
She takes a deep breath, looks back at the board, and makes her move. Then she forces a smile and looks back at me. “Your turn.”
I hold her gaze, shimmering blue with the tears she’s trying to hold back, and all I want to do is pull her to me. I want to hold her.
Instead, I look back at the board.
“The first time I used was after we’d signed our record deal. It was celebratory and experimental. Everyone else was doing it.”
I close my eyes and picture Sav and Torren. High and in love. Seemingly unburdened. I wanted it. I wanted to feel less heavy. I wanted to be carefree, too.
“It was like cutting a brake line. I went from never touching anything harder than extra strength NSAIDs to a full-out druggie in a matter of a month. It just got worse when I realized that coming down meant contending with reality, so I just...never came down.”
Claire sighs. “I understand that. The brake line part, I mean. With the purging...well...I don’t know. It felt like the only thing that I had full control over, I guess. It was more than just wanting to be perfect, or my fucked-up self-image. It was about control, but in the end, all it did was make me spiral out of control. Ironic, right?”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
Ironic, but so fucking relatable. We’re the same, her and me.
“I OD’d on the anniversary of my brother’s death. I’d been through many of them, so I don’t know what it was about that one that set me off. I just wanted to quiet everything down. I just needed some peace. It wasn’t a suicide attempt, but I didn’t care if I died.”
I move my piece, then make eye contact. “Your move, Trouble.”
She surveys the board, moves her knight, then smirks at me. “Check.”
“Fuck.” She laughs, and I quickly move my king. Then I arch a brow. “How many times have you passed up a chance to win?”
