Page 122 of For Wrath and Redemption
JONAH
I sleep alone.We speak in formalities. I avoid her.
I spend the flight to Amsterdam with my back to her seat, so I don’t spend the whole trip staring at her. I take long, frequent smoke breaks just so I don’t have to be in the suite with her more than necessary.
I feel low.
I feel so fucking low that I long for the anger. I want to be mad. I want to hate someone. Something. I can’t.
When Theo died, he was gone. I wasn’t reminded constantly of what I’d lost. The grief, at times, was unbearable, but losing Claire is different. The guilt is still present. I still dwell on my mistakes. I’m still filled with regret. But this is a whole new kind of pain.
It’s anguish. It’s torture.
She’s right here in front of me, and I feel like I’ve carved my heart out and given it to her. She has it in the palm of her hand; I have to watch every day as she holds it. I don’t even want it back. She can keep it. It never did me any good, anyway. It made me want her when I couldn’t have her. It made me think she could be mine. It lied.
Death would be better.
“Have you looked at the calendar?”
I don’t glance up from my book to lie to her. “Yes.”
“Good.”
I can tell from my periphery that she goes back to staring out the car window. I don’t care where we’re going. I’ll smile and be a good boy. I’llplay my part, and in six days, Claire and I will go our separate ways. She says it’s just for the band’s break. I know better. That three weeks will never end. Even if she wants to come back, I won’t let her. I can’t do this anymore.
The car stops, and Claire gets out without a word. I finish the page I’m reading, dog ear it to hold my place, then switch my eyeglasses for my sunglasses before climbing out after her.
I step beside her with my head down. When she starts to walk, I follow. I zero in on the click-clack of her heels, but I keep my eyes off her legs. I stare at the pavement instead.
“They already have your acoustic guitar, and I sent ahead a bag of gifts with it. Small stuff. Dolls and cars and things. You have three rooms you’ll have to visit and play for privately, so you’ll have to wear a mask for those patients.”
My body tenses, and my breathing speeds up. My feet slow, but she keeps talking.
“For the rest, the nurses have set up like a little party. Snacks and your gifts. You’ll put on a concert of sorts, I guess. I told them absolutely no press, and I’ve already had the whole ward set up with extra security. It’s peds. Mostly young kids, but there are some teenagers. I think the oldest is seventeen, and he’s a huge fan.”
I stop. My thumb starts to sting. I keep my eyes on the pavement.
“Did you forget something? We’ve got—” She must pause to check her watch. “—ten minutes.”
I don’t move. I hear a small gasp, and then she walks closer and grabs my hand. She cups my hand in between hers and rubs at my thumb. The one I’ve already picked raw.
“Jonah, what’s wrong?”
Slowly, I bring my eyes up to survey the building in front of me. As soon as I read the words on the side of the building, I can’t breathe. They’re in Dutch, but I don’t have to be able to read them to know. I know it in my bones. This is a children’s hospital.
I feel dizzy. I blink twice to clear my vision, and then I shake my head.
“I can’t go in there. I’m sorry. I can’t.”
I close my eyes again, pull my hand from hers, and turn back to thecar. The click-clack of her heels gets louder as she chases after me. The sound blends with my rapid heartbeat.
I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
“Why? What can I do?”
I reach the car and pull on the handle.
“Unlock it,” I shout to José. As soon as I hear the car beep, I yank open the door and get back in.
