Page 107 of For Wrath and Redemption
JONAH
I watchher when she doesn’t know it.
When she’s working. When she’s sleeping. When she’s exercising. When she’s eating.
Especially when she’s eating.
I keep tabs on her like I’ve never done with anyone. Not even my brother. Claire Davis owns me. Body, mind, heart. All of it. And it’s terrifying.
I dream of losing her. Of her seeing me for what I am. Of her not needing me anymore.
Of something worse.
My thoughts keep cycling back to Theo. He was the only person I ever trusted completely. The only person I really, truly loved, and who loved me in return.
It’s different, of course. The love I had for my brother is nothing like what I feel for Claire, but the vulnerability feels the same. It’s a physical, consistent ache in my chest. A rubber band of worry just tight enough to remind me that opening my heart to anyone makes me open for pain. And even with Theo, there was the underlying truth of the matter. The ever-present question. How pure was that love? How conditional?
Losing him still fucked me up. Set me on a path to destruction. It was delayed, but inevitable. I tried so hard to redeem myself. I tried to be someone my parents wanted after Theo died. It was useless. Theo was the one who mattered, and without him...
I shake my head.
I recognize this. The heightened anxiety. The headaches. The trouble sleeping. I’m pissy and jumpy. It happens every time I try to stop using. It was worse when I went to rehab. At least I’m not vomiting and shaking on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my own sweat. Yet.
Fuck.
I feel too much without the pills.
I blink and bring the room back into focus. I bringClaireback into focus. She ran five miles again this morning. She still hasn’t ordered breakfast.
“How about we go out to eat?”
I meet her eyes in the bathroom mirror, then step up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. I kiss that little dip where her neck and shoulder meet. She hums and leans into me. She smells so sweet. The lavender calms my mind. The sugar makes my mouth water.
“We can find a cute little café. Have some tea. Eat a scone with clotted cream and jam.”
I do my best to fake a British accent. She laughs, then turns and throws her arms around my neck.
“You sound like Crue when he’s trying to mimic Ezra’s American accent.”
I grin. “That bad?”
She flares her eyes playfully, then kisses me. It’s chaste, and when I try to deepen it, she pulls away. I chase her and kiss her again. She just got out of the shower, but I’m ready to dirty her up again.
“Mmmm, back up.” She pushes on my chest, so I sigh and give her space. Her lips curve up into a small, suggestive smile. “We have work to do today. We can’t put it off anymore.”
“But you’ve never been to Wales.” I fold my hands under my chin. “Pleeease? I want to show you around Cardiff.”
Claire rolls her eyes. “As much as I would love to, we have things on the calendar. I still have a job to do, and we don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.”
She brushes past me. I frown and follow her into the bedroom.
“And what exactly is the wrong idea?”
She doesn’t look up as she puts on a pair of socks, then grabs her laptop.
“You know. That I’m not taking this seriously. That I’m...I don’t know...Sleepingon the job.”
She huffs a laugh at her joke, but I don’t think it’s funny.
