Page 65 of Of Heartbreak and Harmony
Nothing Sav Loveless does is altruistic, and this is probably just another way to sus out competition. To keep another iron fist around the throat of the music industry, and it makes me want to warn these unsuspecting bands. I want to storm the stage and tell them to run far, far away from The Hometown Heartless, but I keep my feet planted firmly on the floor.
By the time Sav, Torren, Jonah, and Mabel take the stage, my earlier anxiety has transformed into anger, and I find myself glaring at them. I swap my eyes between Sav and Torren, fueling my fury with every glance they send each other’s way. I hold on to that feeling. I force it to the forefront of my mind, and I fool myself into believing I’m prepared.
Then they start to play.
They start to play, and my heart starts to ache. God, I used to love them. They’re so fucking good, and there’s no denying they put on one hell of a show. They love to perform. It’s evident in every crowd interaction. In every note and lyric.
I want to hate them. I want them to suck so badly. But in this moment, I can’t, and they don’t. Torren looks at me several times throughout the concert. He smiles and winks, and my heart starts to race. It’s all for show. I know this. But that stupid fan is still insideme, and the energy palpitating from the crowd threatens to coax her out.
The songs that I used to love flow through me, igniting every emotion. I sing along in my head. I feel my body swaying to the music, and I have to choke back tears.
I miss my band. I miss performing. I miss the thrill and the excitement and the utter sense of fulfillment that comes with playing a show. I miss running my hands over the keys of my keyboard. I miss singing songs I wrote into a microphone. I miss the applause.
I miss it all.
And that makes me furious all over again.
This is the last night I’ll be watching from the floor.
19
TORREN
When the voicemail picks up,just like I knew it would, I disconnect the call and drop my head back on the couch.
“No answer?”
I shake my head. “Is there ever?”
“You didn’t leave a message.”
I turn my head to the side and look at Jonah. “What’s the point? She knows it’s me.”
Jonah and I fall back into silence as the bus makes its way down the highway toward Las Vegas. We played four sold-out shows in Glendale, each one better than the last, and now we have three days off before we get to do it all again in Vegas.
With all the downtime Hammond has had built into the schedule, I’m enjoying this tour much more than our previous ones, but they’re still taxing on the body and mind. They’re still exhausting. And on days like today, I can’t help but wonder how much easier things would be if I’d never joined a band.
My eyes drift back to my phone, now lying discarded on the couch cushion beside me. Briefly, I let myself imagine it ringing. Answering it to hear my mom’s voice on the other end. She tells me happy birthday. I tell her the same. We catch each other up on things that have happened since we last spoke. I offer to fly her to the next show. We make plans for the next holiday. And then we exchangeI love yousand hang up with the promise to speak again soon.
I feel like an idiot for wanting something so impossible.
For longing for something I’ve never actually seen in real life.
None of my bandmates have good relationships with their families. Well, maybe Sav, but even that’s new. It wasn’t always good. For years, it was toxic before becoming nonexistent. In the grand scheme of fucked-up family dynamics, mine could be so much worse.
But goddamn it. A call from my mother on our shared fucking birthday wouldn’t suck.
“What’s the last you heard about her?”
I tear my unfocused gaze from my phone and look back at Jonah. He’s lying on the other couch with a paperback novel open on his chest. His eyes are closed, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t think I could handle his scrutiny right now.
“Not much. Still working at the local diner. Still dating random-ass men. Still supporting my waste of space brother.”
Every few months, I have an investigator do a wellness check on my mom. I don’t know what I’m checking for, to be honest. There’s never any wellness to be found.
“And how is Sean?”
I sigh. “The same.”
