Page 135 of Of Heartbreak and Harmony
“Callie’s not you, Savannah.”
She jerks back as if I hit her. “Torren, I just?—”
“You just find it hard to believe anyone could actually love me since you couldn’t, right?”
Her jaw drops on a scoff. “You know for a fucking fact that’s not what I’m saying.” She shakes her head and takes a step back just as wereceive our cue to take the stage. “Fuck you, Torren. I’m sorry for fuckingcaring.”
She whips around, hair fanning wildly about her shoulders, and folds her arms. I bite my tongue on the impulse to argue. She’s right. I do know that’s not what she meant, but learned instincts die hard, especially when they’re born from trauma.
When Jonah walks on stage, I follow suit, sticking to the order we’ve used since the beginning. Mabel, Jonah, me, then Sav. Sometimes, like now, it stings, and I wonder if it would hurt less if we didn’t have such a turbulent past. Probably not. Sav is the one people want to see. She’s the one people idolize. She’s the one people put on a pedestal.
It doesn’t bother me out of jealousy. It bothers me because I used to be one of those people. I knew all her flaws, all her demons, and I loved her still. I accepted her as she was, I idolized her, and I put her on such an unrealistic pedestal that it shattered me when she fell short.
I regret it. Not because of what it did to my heart, but because of what it did to us. I know I’m lucky we’ve made it this far, given the aftermath. We could have drowned in our toxicity. Our decisions could have ruined us, but the fact that we’re still here gives me hope.
When Sav takes her place behind her mic, I train my eyes on her. I stare hard willing her to turn around so I can apologize. I know she can feel it just like I know she’s ignoring me, and that makes me feel worse. Family looks out for each other. That’s what she was doing. Instead of being grateful, I spit vitriol in her face.
“How are we doin’ tonight, New York?”
Sav’s voice echoes through the stadium, and the crowd screams in response, none of them noticing the heaviness in her tone. None of them hear the dejection. But I’ve known her for ten years, so I hear it. I know, at the very least, Mabel and Ham can hear it, too. Fuck.
It’s like two steps forward, one step back. Just when something starts to work in one aspect of my life, I let my insecurities fuck up something else. For all of Sav’s flaws, she didn’t deserve what I just threw at her. She’s the one people idolize, but she’s also the one that gets the most hate. Tabloids print vile lies about her. Paps shout disgusting things at her. She has a fucking psychotic stalker, for Christ’s sake. She doesn’t fucking need it from me, too. Especially when she was just looking out for me.
My stomach roils for the duration of the show. Sav won’t even glance my way. She doesn’t interact with me. The songs we usually sing together are spent firmly planted in front of our own mics. The only time I feel peace is when I play Callie’s song, but when it’s over, my anxiety spikes again.
When I start to feel myself spiral, I seek out Callie in the VIP tent. I fix my eyes on her and she becomes my anchor. She quiets the storm in my head, and that’s how I know for sure. What’s happening between us is something real. Something solid. We’re not headed for heartbreak. We’re not dissonance. We’re harmony, and I have to let myself trust it.
By the end of the show, my head is clear, and I’m determined to make things right with Savannah. At the very least, I need to apologize. We’re finally starting to patch up our friendship. I don’t want to torpedo it with an unwarranted temper tantrum.
When Sav stalks off the stage, I follow quickly, pulling her to the side just out of view of the stadium full of people.
“What, Tor?”
Her voice is tired. There is so much less bite to her words than there was two hours ago, and I hate knowing I’m part of the reason for it.
“We need to talk,” I say, wrapping my hand around her wrist and pulling her down one of the hallways full of roadies and stadium workers.
I try two locked doors before I find a bathroom and drag her inside. She sighs and closes her eyes.
“I don’t have the energy for this right now.”
“I’m sorry, Sav. I know I overreacted. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head, nostrils flaring as she breathes deeply. Her forehead creases and her eyebrows slant, but she keeps those stormy gray eyes clamped shut. When she speaks, her voice shakes with hurt, and all I feel is shame.
“I’ve turned myself inside out trying to make up for the shit I’ve done, Torren. I’m doing everything I can to repair the damage. I’ve got my hands clutched so tightly around this band that sometimes I worry I’ll snap us in half, but I can’t keep doing it. I’m not going to keep fighting if you’re never going to forgive me.”
“I know.”
My stomach clenches as a single tear slips from her lashes and trickles down her cheek. I fist my hands against the impulse to wipe it away. Her jaw ticks as she clenches her teeth, and when she speaks again, there’s anger in her tone.
“At some point, you’re going to have to recognize that I’m not the only one to blame for this fucking mess, but I’m the only one making any fucking attempt to pull us out of it.”
It’s the truth, and it fucking hurts. “I know, Sav.”
She opens her eyes and pins me with a scathing glare.
“I like Callie, Torren. She’s talented and she’s smart. I’m still going to talk to her about Caveat Lover, but Heartless will always be my top priority. I won’t just stand by and watch quietly while you?—”
