Page 125 of Between Never and Forever
“Supported you and then moved in on you. Did he do the same as Sean? Did he—”
“Torren isn’t Sean, Levi! They’re brothers, but they’re not the same. Torren didn’t so much as touch me for two years after everything went down with Sean. And even then, he was adamant about being sober. Aboutmebeing sober.”
Levi’s face twists up, and I have to close my eyes to keep from seeing the disgust that is sure to fill his after I speak the next truth.
“He wouldn’t touch me until I made the first move. He wouldn’t get high with me until I coaxed him. Until Iconvincedhim. Until I reassured him over and over that it was what I wanted. Every encounter, every exchange, sexual or otherwise, was consensual, and most of the time, it was initiated by me. If anyone was disrespectful in that relationship, it was me, and that’s the truth. Not everything is black and white. So much of life exists in the gray spaces."
Saying it out loud makes me feel even shittier.
I used Torren. I used him for comfort. For reassurance. I used him to make myself feel wanted. I used him so I didn’t feel guilty for getting high and disconnecting.
Torren turned his back on his brother, on his whole family, for me, and how did I repay him? By messing with his head and his heart, and breaking up the band, which is the only family he really has. The only family any of us have. I’ve been so unfair to him. He didn’t deserve it.
“And yes, he proposed,” I force out. “But only because I led him on. I led him to believe I felt more for him than I do. He proposed, but I didn’t say yes.”
The silence between us is charged, and I wait, breathing heavily, for him to speak. For him to say or do anything to release me from this paralysis of guilt and shame. I hate what I did to Torren. To Mabel and Jonah. To myself. I want so badly to fix it, and damn it, I am trying.
Levi takes my left hand in his, and when I open my eyes, I find him staring at my emerald. He rubs the base of my ring finger, then toys with the stone on the ring.
“I don’t care what led to it, Savannah. I don’t care. It should have been mine. I have your first kiss. Your first fuck. And this? This should belong to me, too.This should have been mine just like the rest of you.”
He holds my hand up between us as if I need a reminder of what he’s referring to. I don’t. I know exactly what he’s saying. My blood roars in my ears as my heart races faster. My chest aches.This should belong to me, too.
“And what about me?” I rasp, tears starting to well in my eyes. “What about me, Levi? You can have all my firsts, and what do I get? The scraps? Whatever is left of you after you give everything else to another woman? I’m just supposed to be okay with always being your second choice?”
I flick my eyes to his left hand and the black silicone band he still wears on his ring finger. Julianna died two years ago. He says he never loved her, yet he still wears the ring.
When I bring my eyes back to his, the intensity I see there is enough to make me sway on my feet. For the second time tonight, I think he might kiss me, and it shocks me just how badly I wish he would. Even now, with everything muddled and confused between us, and the timing all wrong, I want to kiss him again.
I wait for it. I long for it. I know he’d taste like whiskey tonight. Whiskey and oranges.
Slowly, Levi brings my hand back up between us, unfolds my fist, and presses a soft kiss to my palm. I feel the brush of his lips on every inch of my body. It’s such a sweet, featherlight touch, yet it sets me on fire. He holds my gaze, and when he finally speaks, the raw emotion in his voice breaks my heart.
“You may not have been all my firsts, Savannah Shaw, but you’ve always been my forever. You’ve always been my one. My only.”
Slowly, he drops my hand and steps backward. I’m immediately colder with the distance.
“How will you get home?” I ask, and he smirks.
“I have a ride.” He takes a few more steps backward until he’s standing by my gate. “See you later, Rockstar.”
Then he just turns around and leaves with me staring dazedly at his retreating back until the darkness swallows him and his footsteps have faded entirely.
30
I don’t seeLevi all week.
I’ve seen Brynn every day on my lunch break for guitar lessons, where we’ve stayed safely within the confines of my trailer, but nothing from Levi.
I watch for him on set like an obsessed teenager with a crush. I haven’t been sleeping at night because I keep replaying what he said over and over in my head.
You’ve always been my forever. My one. My only.
But how?
I just want to see him. I want to see if it feels the same in the daylight. When he’s sober and our emotions aren’t in overdrive. It’s tomorrow. Does he still want me?
At lunch, there’s a knock on my trailer door, and I expect it to be Brynn, but I open it to find Dustin instead. He jumps back and gapes at me for a moment like he didn’t expect it to be me behind the door that says my name. I’m sure seeing my silver hair is startling since they’ve all gotten used to the brown wig, but I’m still me. I quirk a brow.
