Page 141 of Between Never and Forever
The feeling doesn’t leave until we’ve reached the hospital, and I’m forced into a CT scan.
33
It’sclose to three in the morning when Levi is finally discharged.
Three staples for the gash on his head, but his scans came back clean. Nothing to worry about. Just a mild concussion, and he was sent home with headache medicine and instructions to rest. No work until he checks in with his primary care doctor in a few days. I’ve volunteered to stay overnight with him, just in case, and then I have to turn him over to Sharon.
To my mother.
Listening to him talk on the phone to her was awkward as hell.
I could hear her clearly. She was terrified. She wanted to come get him from the hospital, but he told her to stay home and let Brynn sleep.
Sharon was concerned like a mother would be for a child, and I couldn’t fight the jealousy that surged through me at that thought. But am I jealous of Levi, or of my mother? My thoughts are too jumbled to make sense of, and my adrenaline is starting to wear off, but I’m good at running on no sleep. I’ve had lots of practice. While Levi dozes in the passenger seat, I’m wide awake with my eyes on the road.
I keep glancing at him, though. Making sure he’s breathing. Every time we pass under a light on the highway, I check his face. His forehead is scrunched while he sleeps, his face stern. Every so often, he’ll make a soft noise or stir slightly. I get the sense he’s having bad dreams, and all I want to do is pull over to the side of the road and hug him to me.
It always used to be Levi taking care of me. Worrying about me. Holding me when I felt like I was falling apart. For the first time, I’m on the other side of that dynamic, and it breaks my heart. Is this how he always felt? All those times when we were kids, seeing me crawl through his window broken and beaten down? Did it hurt him like this? Did it make him feel angry and sad and guilty all at once?
The things I must have put him through.
My mind goes to the night on the beach in Miami. How he took care of me. He was so gentle. So loving. He never once judged me. Never abandoned me.
He would have stayed had I not kicked him out of my house. I know that. I’ve always known that. But I also know that it wouldn’t have lasted. Eventually, he’d have left. He wouldn’t have had a choice. Whether it was for Julianna or the baby or school, he’d have had to leave, and it would have broken me. It used to make me deeply, thoroughly sad. I used to get so lost thinking about, and I always ended up finding myself at the bottom of a bottle.
Or worse.
When I think of Brynnlee, though, I smile.
For years, I hated her. I didn’t know her—didn’t know if she was a boy or a girl, what she looked like, what her name was. I knew nothing, but I hated her.
Or at least, I tried to tell myself I did.
But then I’d get high and dream of Levi as a dad. See him holding a small baby. Singing it to sleep. Feeding it a bottle. I’d see him pushing a young child on a swing, or reading it a story, and all I could think about was howluckythat child would be to have Levi as a dad. How safe and warm and loved he’d make that baby feel. In those moments, I couldn’t pretend I hated that baby. I loved them with my entire being, simply because Levi loved them.
I still do, and it is a poignant adoration.
Brynnlee’s happiness is the result of my own loss, and though it aches, I wouldn’t change it.
When I pull up to the set barricade outside of Levi’s house, Red puts his car in park and climbs out. He chats with the security guard, and the guard removes the barricade and lets us pull through. I park the truck in Levi’s driveway and turn off the engine. The moment the radio quiets, he stirs awake.
“We’re here,” I say softly.
He nods and looks around, groggy and slow-moving from sleep. Red comes to his door and opens it, then helps Levi climb out. The doctor said dizziness will be normal, especially for the next twenty-four hours, so we need to watch him closely.
We make our way into the house, kicking our shoes off in the mudroom off the garage. Levi seems to be moving fine. I can tell he hurts, he’s sore and aching, but he doesn’t seem disoriented. I follow him into the kitchen and get him a glass of water so he can take some of the medicine the doctor gave him.
“You’re staying here, then?” His voice cuts through the silence, and though it’s subtle, I can hear the hope in it.
“Yeah, I am. Sharon will be here tomorrow, but tonight...” I shrug. “I’m all yours.”
Red makes the decision to sleep in my trailer across the street. It took some convincing, but he finally caved when I pointed out that he could see the house perfectly through the trailer door.
Once Red leaves, I follow Levi up the stairs and when we reach the landing, he turns to face me.
“Stay with me,” he whispers, and I nod immediately.
“Of course.”
